Me: “we already have two fantastic dogs, we don’t need any more pets.”
My wife: “you’re right.”
Me: “plus we just got new rugs…”
My wife: “okay”
Me: “and I can’t be home all day to house train a puppy.”
My wife: “I understand”
Me: “so it is NOT gonna happen.”
…
BlueSky, meet Martha.
My wife: “you’re right.”
Me: “plus we just got new rugs…”
My wife: “okay”
Me: “and I can’t be home all day to house train a puppy.”
My wife: “I understand”
Me: “so it is NOT gonna happen.”
…
BlueSky, meet Martha.
June 20, 2025 at 7:26 PM
Me: “we already have two fantastic dogs, we don’t need any more pets.”
My wife: “you’re right.”
Me: “plus we just got new rugs…”
My wife: “okay”
Me: “and I can’t be home all day to house train a puppy.”
My wife: “I understand”
Me: “so it is NOT gonna happen.”
…
BlueSky, meet Martha.
My wife: “you’re right.”
Me: “plus we just got new rugs…”
My wife: “okay”
Me: “and I can’t be home all day to house train a puppy.”
My wife: “I understand”
Me: “so it is NOT gonna happen.”
…
BlueSky, meet Martha.
this, for me, is the defining Lindsey Graham statement
July 12, 2026 at 2:31 PM
this, for me, is the defining Lindsey Graham statement
"Drinking is not a problem for me"
- Pete Hegseth
We know, dude. We know.
- Pete Hegseth
We know, dude. We know.
December 4, 2024 at 8:06 PM
"Drinking is not a problem for me"
- Pete Hegseth
We know, dude. We know.
- Pete Hegseth
We know, dude. We know.
Alright folks, here we go! Ask me anything, 20ish mins, gogo!
October 4, 2026 at 2:04 AM
Alright folks, here we go! Ask me anything, 20ish mins, gogo!
We need your help! But let me explain why:
November 18, 2025 at 1:59 PM
We need your help! But let me explain why:
Or... Hear me out on this one... We stop having political dynasties.
February 8, 2026 at 3:37 AM
Or... Hear me out on this one... We stop having political dynasties.
Right can we get another Epstein name arrested, I think we need the pick-me-up
February 23, 2026 at 8:02 PM
Right can we get another Epstein name arrested, I think we need the pick-me-up
Watch that. And then tell me how we replace Schumer with her
January 21, 2026 at 1:24 AM
Watch that. And then tell me how we replace Schumer with her
Richie just sent me this pic! This was when we first met 😱👶🏻
October 3, 2026 at 3:40 PM
Richie just sent me this pic! This was when we first met 😱👶🏻
[playing poker]
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
December 17, 2024 at 11:08 PM
[playing poker]
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
No matter how demoralized we are in today's America, I'll always have this selfie of me meeting Jane Goodall.
December 3, 2024 at 11:19 PM
No matter how demoralized we are in today's America, I'll always have this selfie of me meeting Jane Goodall.
Me: we Mexicans invented hot spicy food, of course I can eat this Thai spicy dish
Me after one bite:
Me after one bite:
June 8, 2026 at 9:56 AM
Me: we Mexicans invented hot spicy food, of course I can eat this Thai spicy dish
Me after one bite:
Me after one bite:
We can fund health care and keep the government running, or we can shut everything down to raise prices on people.
To me, that’s a pretty easy choice.
To me, that’s a pretty easy choice.
October 4, 2025 at 3:47 PM
We can fund health care and keep the government running, or we can shut everything down to raise prices on people.
To me, that’s a pretty easy choice.
To me, that’s a pretty easy choice.
October 2, 2026 at 11:38 AM
Let me be clear: I’m glad Kristi Noem was fired. But we still have to abolish ICE.
March 5, 2026 at 6:56 PM
Let me be clear: I’m glad Kristi Noem was fired. But we still have to abolish ICE.
True statement that often makes me feel terribly sad ashamed of the world we live in. 😪🙏
December 29, 2024 at 2:15 PM
True statement that often makes me feel terribly sad ashamed of the world we live in. 😪🙏
felt like we could all use a pick-me-up
March 6, 2025 at 5:51 PM
felt like we could all use a pick-me-up
“So many people came out to see me in Alabama last night. The Fire Marshall threatened to shut the rally down because we were so bigly over capacity. And I was told that there were over 300,000 outside, crying because they couldn’t get in to hear me. We could hear them all crying from inside. Sad.”
October 3, 2026 at 3:15 PM
“So many people came out to see me in Alabama last night. The Fire Marshall threatened to shut the rally down because we were so bigly over capacity. And I was told that there were over 300,000 outside, crying because they couldn’t get in to hear me. We could hear them all crying from inside. Sad.”
JONI ERNST: "Well, we are all going to die."
ME: "You first, dear."
ME: "You first, dear."
May 30, 2025 at 7:20 PM
JONI ERNST: "Well, we are all going to die."
ME: "You first, dear."
ME: "You first, dear."
"I know everything about you, you know everything about me, we know everything about us"
September 2, 2024 at 10:00 AM
"I know everything about you, you know everything about me, we know everything about us"
Dude I saw you autosave before walking up to me whats up man we cool
July 6, 2026 at 2:40 AM
Dude I saw you autosave before walking up to me whats up man we cool
Here we go. This ain’t me
January 7, 2025 at 2:51 AM
Here we go. This ain’t me