Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)
@brandonjschwartz.com
Law, political theory, language, computers.
Attorney at schwartzapc.com
President at boomajoom.com
Nothing I post is legal advice, and I’m not your attorney. Occasional Escrow Manager.
Attorney at schwartzapc.com
President at boomajoom.com
Nothing I post is legal advice, and I’m not your attorney. Occasional Escrow Manager.
Pinned
If you call fake MAGA Kyle Rittenhouse the murderer a murderer and a homicide, a lot of weirdos will come out of the weeds and try to fight you.
People continue to engage with my brand, improving the firm's visibility online.
September 18, 2026 at 9:44 PM
People continue to engage with my brand, improving the firm's visibility online.
It isn’t defamatory to say someone has a giant penis.
September 17, 2026 at 8:34 PM
It isn’t defamatory to say someone has a giant penis.
This is a scene in Fight Club.
September 16, 2026 at 4:33 PM
This is a scene in Fight Club.
The face you make when Congress finds out about you and the goat.
September 16, 2026 at 12:02 AM
The face you make when Congress finds out about you and the goat.
Reposted by Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)
They really wheeled Mitch McConnell out like
September 15, 2026 at 1:19 AM
They really wheeled Mitch McConnell out like
“A lawsuit today filed in state court by Planned Parenthood against Plant Parenthood Tree Services LLC alleges that the latter was insensitive to reproductive rights and abortion. Plant Parenthood defended the choice in their name by stating that ‘Tree removal is only a small portion of what we do’”
September 15, 2026 at 5:10 PM
“A lawsuit today filed in state court by Planned Parenthood against Plant Parenthood Tree Services LLC alleges that the latter was insensitive to reproductive rights and abortion. Plant Parenthood defended the choice in their name by stating that ‘Tree removal is only a small portion of what we do’”
Nobody:
Hegel: The purpose of the human condition and all of your suffering leads to your ultimate existential satisfaction as an employee of the Department of Energy.
Hegel: The purpose of the human condition and all of your suffering leads to your ultimate existential satisfaction as an employee of the Department of Energy.
September 14, 2026 at 11:00 PM
Nobody:
Hegel: The purpose of the human condition and all of your suffering leads to your ultimate existential satisfaction as an employee of the Department of Energy.
Hegel: The purpose of the human condition and all of your suffering leads to your ultimate existential satisfaction as an employee of the Department of Energy.
Never Forget. 🇺🇸🦅🔥🫡
September 11, 2026 at 3:43 PM
Never Forget. 🇺🇸🦅🔥🫡
Grand Theft Auto V: Living in California sucks.
Cyberpunk 2077: Living in California will suck.
Red Dead Redemption 2: Moving to California sucks.
What did game developers mean by this?
Cyberpunk 2077: Living in California will suck.
Red Dead Redemption 2: Moving to California sucks.
What did game developers mean by this?
September 9, 2026 at 5:39 AM
Grand Theft Auto V: Living in California sucks.
Cyberpunk 2077: Living in California will suck.
Red Dead Redemption 2: Moving to California sucks.
What did game developers mean by this?
Cyberpunk 2077: Living in California will suck.
Red Dead Redemption 2: Moving to California sucks.
What did game developers mean by this?
LAWRENCE BANNED: Former Walnut Creek anesthesiologist Lawrence Pebble has been banned from interacting with my red hot brand for ANY reason. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
September 8, 2026 at 11:11 PM
LAWRENCE BANNED: Former Walnut Creek anesthesiologist Lawrence Pebble has been banned from interacting with my red hot brand for ANY reason. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
Telling my parents some Andrew Taint supporter is super mad because I said she was a money launderer who likely held fake Mexican passports.
CJ: Ah Shit, Here We Go Again
Alt: CJ: Ah Shit, Here We Go Again
static.klipy.com
September 7, 2026 at 4:22 AM
Telling my parents some Andrew Taint supporter is super mad because I said she was a money launderer who likely held fake Mexican passports.
“The phrase big skank is not actionable because it is too vague to be capable of being proven true or false." Seelig v. Infinity Broad. Corp., 97 Cal. App. 4th 798, 811 (2002).
September 6, 2026 at 3:35 PM
“The phrase big skank is not actionable because it is too vague to be capable of being proven true or false." Seelig v. Infinity Broad. Corp., 97 Cal. App. 4th 798, 811 (2002).
But not that different.
John Fetterman refuses to do his Senate job.
So does Mitch McConnell—but for different reasons.
So does Mitch McConnell—but for different reasons.
September 5, 2026 at 6:03 AM
But not that different.
I was admitted to practice too late. My idea was just a straight Twitter clone. Call them tweets. Have the same features as before. Then weather the legal storm.
👀 Court says it appears that Elon Musk has abandoned the trademark for "tweet" (but not "twitter").
storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.us...
So tweet freely on other platforms.
storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.us...
So tweet freely on other platforms.
September 5, 2026 at 6:00 AM
I was admitted to practice too late. My idea was just a straight Twitter clone. Call them tweets. Have the same features as before. Then weather the legal storm.
Cop: One of the notes says “dragged” while the other says “drug.” You think it’s a team?
Grizzled detective with a voice like RFK: North Texas. It’s one guy, he’s from North Texas. It’s interchangeable out there. The brother… born in Amarillo, right? He’s our guy.
Grizzled detective with a voice like RFK: North Texas. It’s one guy, he’s from North Texas. It’s interchangeable out there. The brother… born in Amarillo, right? He’s our guy.
Hey quick question wtf is this sample sentence?!
September 4, 2026 at 5:59 PM
Cop: One of the notes says “dragged” while the other says “drug.” You think it’s a team?
Grizzled detective with a voice like RFK: North Texas. It’s one guy, he’s from North Texas. It’s interchangeable out there. The brother… born in Amarillo, right? He’s our guy.
Grizzled detective with a voice like RFK: North Texas. It’s one guy, he’s from North Texas. It’s interchangeable out there. The brother… born in Amarillo, right? He’s our guy.
Cuck tart.
September 4, 2026 at 3:27 AM
Cuck tart.
What does the test say if you don’t pronounce any of the d’s but you pronounce the e?
September 4, 2026 at 3:24 AM
What does the test say if you don’t pronounce any of the d’s but you pronounce the e?
Not me watching the resident stray tear lizards limb from limb for sport while I sip a cold one. This cat is built different, and who am I to judge?
The cat caught a mouse in the yard today. I made him let it go but he's looked so proud of himself ever since. Noticeable swagger. It's very sweet.
Mouse was unharmed. Just a little shaken up. Released back into the wilds of the backyard.
Mouse was unharmed. Just a little shaken up. Released back into the wilds of the backyard.
September 3, 2026 at 4:53 AM
Not me watching the resident stray tear lizards limb from limb for sport while I sip a cold one. This cat is built different, and who am I to judge?
Stewardess: Is there a doctor on board?
Doctor Dan: yes ma’am. Just you this evening?
Doctor Dan: yes ma’am. Just you this evening?
August 31, 2026 at 12:51 AM
Stewardess: Is there a doctor on board?
Doctor Dan: yes ma’am. Just you this evening?
Doctor Dan: yes ma’am. Just you this evening?
Lindsay Clancy, Derek Chauvin, and Kyle Rittenhouse are all murderers.
August 30, 2026 at 9:32 PM
Lindsay Clancy, Derek Chauvin, and Kyle Rittenhouse are all murderers.
Your item listing is raising questions that are answered by the listing.
August 30, 2026 at 9:30 PM
Your item listing is raising questions that are answered by the listing.