Evan J’Daté Kessler
@evanjkessler.bsky.social
Here to make friends and find love and I'm all out of making friends. Comedian and host of "Won't You Be My Killer?" podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/wont-you-be-my-killer/id1736422937
Digital immigrants are crossing the existential border to take our jobs.
September 20, 2026 at 12:42 AM
Digital immigrants are crossing the existential border to take our jobs.
Tilly Norwood agreed to be in my student film about an evil AI chatbot that wants to destroy the entertainment industry and the only thing that can stop her is a Bruce Willis impersonator (hoping to get Daniel Radcliffe for this role). It's called, "Die Hard Without Intellectual Property Rights."
September 20, 2026 at 12:19 AM
Tilly Norwood agreed to be in my student film about an evil AI chatbot that wants to destroy the entertainment industry and the only thing that can stop her is a Bruce Willis impersonator (hoping to get Daniel Radcliffe for this role). It's called, "Die Hard Without Intellectual Property Rights."
Timeline Cleanse: I just painted this and I kinda like it!
September 19, 2026 at 5:46 AM
Timeline Cleanse: I just painted this and I kinda like it!
You could never do an AI remake of The Princess Bride, because every character would be the "six-fingered man." It'd be too confusing.
September 17, 2026 at 6:21 AM
You could never do an AI remake of The Princess Bride, because every character would be the "six-fingered man." It'd be too confusing.
Today is the first day I’ve ever had multiple thoughts about Ed Sheeran. Would not recommend.
September 16, 2026 at 3:12 AM
Today is the first day I’ve ever had multiple thoughts about Ed Sheeran. Would not recommend.
I feel like the guillotine factory would be a great place to work. Management is probably under a lot of pressure to make sure the workers are always happy.
September 15, 2026 at 8:50 PM
I feel like the guillotine factory would be a great place to work. Management is probably under a lot of pressure to make sure the workers are always happy.
Ed Sheeran should’ve done the sensible thing and moved his shows to a smaller venue where less people would’ve been forced to hear his music.
September 14, 2026 at 9:53 PM
Ed Sheeran should’ve done the sensible thing and moved his shows to a smaller venue where less people would’ve been forced to hear his music.
Mitch McConnell has barricaded himself in his home and is telling police “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!”
September 14, 2026 at 9:49 PM
Mitch McConnell has barricaded himself in his home and is telling police “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!”
Mitch McConnell will return to the senate tomorrow in a giant jar of formaldehyde.
September 13, 2026 at 10:42 PM
Mitch McConnell will return to the senate tomorrow in a giant jar of formaldehyde.
Starting a new trend where we ask AI to make us all into characters in the movie Waterworld.
September 12, 2026 at 6:31 PM
Starting a new trend where we ask AI to make us all into characters in the movie Waterworld.
*goes back in time and lets all of the AI CEOs into art school.
September 10, 2026 at 10:04 PM
*goes back in time and lets all of the AI CEOs into art school.
Going for a long walk in 102° heat just to see if I can get a few hallucinations in.
September 9, 2026 at 6:37 PM
Going for a long walk in 102° heat just to see if I can get a few hallucinations in.
I don’t think humanity is going to last much longer, so I got myself a burger tonight.
September 9, 2026 at 4:11 AM
I don’t think humanity is going to last much longer, so I got myself a burger tonight.
All of those people who came to the U.S. for the World Cup and left with ranch dressing validated American culture way too much. Feels like that was somehow a very dangerous choice.
September 9, 2026 at 3:47 AM
All of those people who came to the U.S. for the World Cup and left with ranch dressing validated American culture way too much. Feels like that was somehow a very dangerous choice.
We fear what we don’t try to understand. For a lot of conservatives in this country, it’s Islam. For me, it’s when people form parasocial relationships with reality tv couples and start referring to them by their first names and expect me to know whom they’re referring.
September 9, 2026 at 2:53 AM
We fear what we don’t try to understand. For a lot of conservatives in this country, it’s Islam. For me, it’s when people form parasocial relationships with reality tv couples and start referring to them by their first names and expect me to know whom they’re referring.
Is it me or was the first person to say it’s good luck to get shit on by a bird in desperate need of a win?
September 7, 2026 at 9:41 PM
Is it me or was the first person to say it’s good luck to get shit on by a bird in desperate need of a win?
I bet all of those people who have seen the image of Jesus in burnt toast think baristas who present them with latte art are instruments of god.
September 7, 2026 at 8:04 PM
I bet all of those people who have seen the image of Jesus in burnt toast think baristas who present them with latte art are instruments of god.
Not sure how to monetize wanting to enjoy my life.
September 4, 2026 at 7:15 PM
Not sure how to monetize wanting to enjoy my life.
Might have to get back on the dating apps strictly for the hit of dopamine that comes from having false hope.
September 3, 2026 at 12:26 AM
Might have to get back on the dating apps strictly for the hit of dopamine that comes from having false hope.
I want to form a cover band with the goal of eventually releasing the definitive greatest hits collection.
September 2, 2026 at 2:41 AM
I want to form a cover band with the goal of eventually releasing the definitive greatest hits collection.
If Finland is the happiest country in the world, maybe the cure for depression is Finland.
September 2, 2026 at 1:43 AM
If Finland is the happiest country in the world, maybe the cure for depression is Finland.
I always regard the landing part of the flight as a pleasant surprise.
August 30, 2026 at 3:57 AM
I always regard the landing part of the flight as a pleasant surprise.
Since Trump renamed Lake Ontario to “Lake America,” Canada should rename the U.S. “The United States of Ontario.”
August 29, 2026 at 4:14 AM
Since Trump renamed Lake Ontario to “Lake America,” Canada should rename the U.S. “The United States of Ontario.”
I hear when you die you are most likely reincarnated as a food delivery robot bearing your name.
August 26, 2026 at 6:37 AM
I hear when you die you are most likely reincarnated as a food delivery robot bearing your name.
I'm convinced RFK Jr is patient zero for every viral food outbreak. He's just an organism that exhales salmonella, E. coli, listeria and cyclospora – and sometimes he'll just pop by a random food processing plant and breathe around for a while.
August 24, 2026 at 8:32 PM
I'm convinced RFK Jr is patient zero for every viral food outbreak. He's just an organism that exhales salmonella, E. coli, listeria and cyclospora – and sometimes he'll just pop by a random food processing plant and breathe around for a while.