Mayor Bert Xanadu
@moviemayor.bsky.social
It's circa 1973. I am Mayor of Toronto and owner of the Imperial Six cinemas. Now on sale: I OWN THIS TOWN: THE MAYOR BERT XANADU XANTHOLOGY spacingstore.bsky.social
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Mayor Bert Xanadu
@moviemayor.bsky.social
· Nov 27
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In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask curmudgeonly but cuddly professional wrestler Killer Kowalski "other than cauliflower, what's your favourite kind of ear?".
October 6, 2026 at 7:47 PM
In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask curmudgeonly but cuddly professional wrestler Killer Kowalski "other than cauliflower, what's your favourite kind of ear?".
Yep, that's me in Canadian Tire's fall experimental hats catalogue. I'm all decked out in the Butter Knife Dynamo. My nephew Chip Xanadu sports the Vulture Intimidator, while Alderman Bub Hotplate looks manly in a perfectly-felted Le Corbusier Spare Room, a tribute to penthouse apartments.
September 28, 2026 at 8:08 PM
Yep, that's me in Canadian Tire's fall experimental hats catalogue. I'm all decked out in the Butter Knife Dynamo. My nephew Chip Xanadu sports the Vulture Intimidator, while Alderman Bub Hotplate looks manly in a perfectly-felted Le Corbusier Spare Room, a tribute to penthouse apartments.
Wonderful reunion luncheon yesterday of the 1930 graduating class from Mt. Pleasant Cemetery High School. Most were on the football team with me, the Fighting Euphemisms. Contrary to popular belief our cheerleading slogan was NOT 'We will bury you'. That was the motto on our fathers' business cards.
September 26, 2026 at 9:27 PM
Wonderful reunion luncheon yesterday of the 1930 graduating class from Mt. Pleasant Cemetery High School. Most were on the football team with me, the Fighting Euphemisms. Contrary to popular belief our cheerleading slogan was NOT 'We will bury you'. That was the motto on our fathers' business cards.
Sad day as Zsa Zsa Gabor's Molten Lava Museum closes its doors in Leaside, a victim of the social taboo against hydrogen sulfide. "When I was a little girl, I used to dip our dolls' legs into the lava flowing behind our home in Budapest. I wanted to bring that joy to the people of East York".
September 24, 2026 at 4:40 PM
Sad day as Zsa Zsa Gabor's Molten Lava Museum closes its doors in Leaside, a victim of the social taboo against hydrogen sulfide. "When I was a little girl, I used to dip our dolls' legs into the lava flowing behind our home in Budapest. I wanted to bring that joy to the people of East York".
Nervy cosmetic podiatrist Kirk Tenderloin (Michael Landon) sees #Hollywood's obsession with Bible-themed movies, and crafts the perfect heist: every Roman sandal they need, all sitting in a Cucamonga warehouse. Co-starring Joan Crawford as a footwear psychic. OPERATION OPEN-TOED at the Imperial Six.
September 16, 2026 at 6:12 PM
Nervy cosmetic podiatrist Kirk Tenderloin (Michael Landon) sees #Hollywood's obsession with Bible-themed movies, and crafts the perfect heist: every Roman sandal they need, all sitting in a Cucamonga warehouse. Co-starring Joan Crawford as a footwear psychic. OPERATION OPEN-TOED at the Imperial Six.
The seasonal conversion of ice cream trucks into conveyances serving discriminating gents of a certain age is almost complete. Patrons will be lured by recordings of Lee Marvin's dialogue from THE DIRTY DOZEN. Watch for them wherever the high-waisted & Bovril-loving congregate!
September 7, 2026 at 4:18 PM
The seasonal conversion of ice cream trucks into conveyances serving discriminating gents of a certain age is almost complete. Patrons will be lured by recordings of Lee Marvin's dialogue from THE DIRTY DOZEN. Watch for them wherever the high-waisted & Bovril-loving congregate!
My Hollywood insiders tell me that the next #007 will be itsy-bitsy Monkee Davy Jones in SPY ON MY THIGH. Bond girl Venus Flyopen will be played by sexpot Billie Jean King, with the dynamic Barry White starring as villain Compound Interest. #JamesBond
September 3, 2026 at 4:09 PM
My Hollywood insiders tell me that the next #007 will be itsy-bitsy Monkee Davy Jones in SPY ON MY THIGH. Bond girl Venus Flyopen will be played by sexpot Billie Jean King, with the dynamic Barry White starring as villain Compound Interest. #JamesBond
It's back to school for adults too at the Lorne Greene School for Theatrical Electricians. Vice-Principal Betty Gleim throws the switch for high-voltage truancy doors, alongside mascot Larry Ohm and Principal Dennis Seebeck-Effekt, pioneer of the use of static electricity to simulate love on stage.
September 2, 2026 at 8:58 PM
It's back to school for adults too at the Lorne Greene School for Theatrical Electricians. Vice-Principal Betty Gleim throws the switch for high-voltage truancy doors, alongside mascot Larry Ohm and Principal Dennis Seebeck-Effekt, pioneer of the use of static electricity to simulate love on stage.
Let the bells ring and the banners fly! Today I'm opening Toronto's first walk-in toupée humidor, Les Lids, designed by me and built by hairless (to avoid any conflict of interest) architect Frank Lloyd Writhe (no relation). Drop by for free Tahiti Treat and complimentary shirt collar widening.
August 29, 2026 at 8:22 PM
Let the bells ring and the banners fly! Today I'm opening Toronto's first walk-in toupée humidor, Les Lids, designed by me and built by hairless (to avoid any conflict of interest) architect Frank Lloyd Writhe (no relation). Drop by for free Tahiti Treat and complimentary shirt collar widening.
With the new school year on the horizon, and an aging crop of slithering brats and stinky delinquents waiting in the wings, I'm hereby expanding the City of Toronto Truancy Squad. Recruits must be diabolical, impervious to spitballs, kind to their mothers, and able to spot a ruse from 500 yards.
August 3, 2026 at 11:50 PM
With the new school year on the horizon, and an aging crop of slithering brats and stinky delinquents waiting in the wings, I'm hereby expanding the City of Toronto Truancy Squad. Recruits must be diabolical, impervious to spitballs, kind to their mothers, and able to spot a ruse from 500 yards.
Meet the Mumblerson Octuplets, celebrating 50 years as stock photo models, prized by Toronto slacks manufacturers alike for their irrepressible verticality & their near-certain availability at all times. From left to right: Benito, Math, Timmy-Tim and Oculus Pewter, Sam-Antha, Prickle, and Steve.
July 28, 2026 at 3:25 PM
Meet the Mumblerson Octuplets, celebrating 50 years as stock photo models, prized by Toronto slacks manufacturers alike for their irrepressible verticality & their near-certain availability at all times. From left to right: Benito, Math, Timmy-Tim and Oculus Pewter, Sam-Antha, Prickle, and Steve.
Sad day, as Toronto's last William Frawley cardboard cutout store, Bendable Bub's on Pape, closes its doors, a victim of social refraction, and of nepotism in the interlocking cardboard easel industry.
July 23, 2026 at 5:00 PM
Sad day, as Toronto's last William Frawley cardboard cutout store, Bendable Bub's on Pape, closes its doors, a victim of social refraction, and of nepotism in the interlocking cardboard easel industry.
Planning on dating a philatelist? Investing your life savings in a butter sculpture school? Drinking wading pool water? Join me on my CBC Radio program as I soothe your misguided brain with a symphony of common sense and a dash of rebuke -- it's I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, tonite at 7pm
July 14, 2026 at 6:40 PM
Planning on dating a philatelist? Investing your life savings in a butter sculpture school? Drinking wading pool water? Join me on my CBC Radio program as I soothe your misguided brain with a symphony of common sense and a dash of rebuke -- it's I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, tonite at 7pm
Prior to my first ascendancy to the mayoralty in 1937, I operated a modestly successful men's clothing line, but my partnership with the LCBO was ill-fated. I hadn't realized that men do not want to try on slacks in a liquor store!!
July 10, 2026 at 10:05 PM
Prior to my first ascendancy to the mayoralty in 1937, I operated a modestly successful men's clothing line, but my partnership with the LCBO was ill-fated. I hadn't realized that men do not want to try on slacks in a liquor store!!
Great bargains this weekend as Canadian Specific Ltd. opens up its Leaside warehouse (soon to close permanently due to a chipmunk infestation) for a mind-bending and pocketbook-ventilating clearance sale of lassos, snoods and novelty teeth. Free parking and chipmunk flu vaccinations.
July 8, 2026 at 7:03 PM
Great bargains this weekend as Canadian Specific Ltd. opens up its Leaside warehouse (soon to close permanently due to a chipmunk infestation) for a mind-bending and pocketbook-ventilating clearance sale of lassos, snoods and novelty teeth. Free parking and chipmunk flu vaccinations.
Join us at City Hall for appropriate Dominion Day festivities, including interludes from tuba octet The Brothers-in-Law of Confederation, and our favourite combobulist, Dr. William Lyon Mackenzie Pokatigoroshek, who hypnotizes your sore shoulders into thinking they are rice pudding. #CanadaDay
July 1, 2026 at 3:10 PM
Join us at City Hall for appropriate Dominion Day festivities, including interludes from tuba octet The Brothers-in-Law of Confederation, and our favourite combobulist, Dr. William Lyon Mackenzie Pokatigoroshek, who hypnotizes your sore shoulders into thinking they are rice pudding. #CanadaDay
Say hello to the 15th Mrs. Xanadu, Lady Prunella Orangeville-Polymer, heiress to the likely bottomless Indo-European shag rug fortune. She's preternaturally quirky, but I had City Hall's Bureau of Moral Limitations investigate, and it turns out it's just an inherited facial tic! Love wins out again!
June 26, 2026 at 7:09 PM
Say hello to the 15th Mrs. Xanadu, Lady Prunella Orangeville-Polymer, heiress to the likely bottomless Indo-European shag rug fortune. She's preternaturally quirky, but I had City Hall's Bureau of Moral Limitations investigate, and it turns out it's just an inherited facial tic! Love wins out again!
Designed by Gravol motion sickness magnate Dean Slacks, built by CNE Tilt-a-Whirl repairman Eddie, and decorated by defrocked Group of Seven painter Jimmy 'Paint Chip' Drumlin, City Hall's subterranean Rotunda Rotisserie spins a menu that will ensure your meal is centrifugal -- or your money back!!
June 24, 2026 at 3:12 PM
Designed by Gravol motion sickness magnate Dean Slacks, built by CNE Tilt-a-Whirl repairman Eddie, and decorated by defrocked Group of Seven painter Jimmy 'Paint Chip' Drumlin, City Hall's subterranean Rotunda Rotisserie spins a menu that will ensure your meal is centrifugal -- or your money back!!
Tonite on #CBC's boiling hot cop show YOUNG AND SHUTER, our two detectives (blending in with their Surreptitious Briefcases) crack down on notorious loitering mob, the Stand Pats, whose wanton disregard for niceties of civic life leave momentarily pedestrianized Yonge St. a joyless barren hellscape.
June 22, 2026 at 7:29 PM
Tonite on #CBC's boiling hot cop show YOUNG AND SHUTER, our two detectives (blending in with their Surreptitious Briefcases) crack down on notorious loitering mob, the Stand Pats, whose wanton disregard for niceties of civic life leave momentarily pedestrianized Yonge St. a joyless barren hellscape.
Beat the heat and retreat to a chilled naugahyde seat at the Imperial Six to see one of my early 'Leaside Noir' pictures, featuring a young, punch-drunk Elvis!
June 8, 2026 at 11:19 PM
Beat the heat and retreat to a chilled naugahyde seat at the Imperial Six to see one of my early 'Leaside Noir' pictures, featuring a young, punch-drunk Elvis!
As we welcome cocksure competitors to Toronto for the #WorldCup of Parcheesi (I'm seen here in my Mayoral Toastmaster-General garb, as was foretold, and steam-cleaned, in ancient times), may I remind those from far-flung or near-flung lands: the escalator at Chester #TTC station is kaput for now.
June 8, 2026 at 11:38 AM
The first-ever Toronto gangster squad motion picture! These men specialize in fighting ignored, but annoying, crimes, in fields like lawn staring, moisture pranks, failure to answer a follow-up question, dial tone impersonation, and fashion safety. THE UNMENTIONABLES, now at the Imperial Six!
June 5, 2026 at 5:55 PM
The first-ever Toronto gangster squad motion picture! These men specialize in fighting ignored, but annoying, crimes, in fields like lawn staring, moisture pranks, failure to answer a follow-up question, dial tone impersonation, and fashion safety. THE UNMENTIONABLES, now at the Imperial Six!
Every word is a lie. Every story a fabrication. Betraying the oath he swore to his noble profession, Elwood Z. Mohair (William Conrad) is on the take, but he's not going to ruin THIS documentary...only his own pathetic life, for he is an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Opens Friday at the Imperial Six.
May 31, 2026 at 5:00 PM
Every word is a lie. Every story a fabrication. Betraying the oath he swore to his noble profession, Elwood Z. Mohair (William Conrad) is on the take, but he's not going to ruin THIS documentary...only his own pathetic life, for he is an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Opens Friday at the Imperial Six.
Sad day, as Toronto's last flame-resistant toupée shop, Lord Insulate, closes its doors for good, a victim of under-the-table lobbying by the comb-over cabal, and marital discord in the asbestos industry. I've ordered all barbershop poles to be rotated counter-clockwise in protest.
May 26, 2026 at 5:00 PM
Sad day, as Toronto's last flame-resistant toupée shop, Lord Insulate, closes its doors for good, a victim of under-the-table lobbying by the comb-over cabal, and marital discord in the asbestos industry. I've ordered all barbershop poles to be rotated counter-clockwise in protest.
Coming soon to the Imperial Six: legendary Voice of Doom Lorne Greene in a self-financed and un-self-aware motion picture production of TWELVE ANGRY MEN, with Lorne playing every part! "You see, it's all about using 12 different styles of chairs" says the veteran actor & lozenge-lover.
May 24, 2026 at 5:00 PM
Coming soon to the Imperial Six: legendary Voice of Doom Lorne Greene in a self-financed and un-self-aware motion picture production of TWELVE ANGRY MEN, with Lorne playing every part! "You see, it's all about using 12 different styles of chairs" says the veteran actor & lozenge-lover.