BEN THOMAS takes exception to a below-par series of Taskmaster.

BEN THOMAS on shenanigans in ‘one of the worst UK wrestling matches of all time’.

It’s BEN THOMAS on ‘The Twin Dilemma’, whether you like it or not.

Who broke Jonathan Creek? BEN THOMAS revisits the scene of the crime.

In a world where we can access endless entertainment media out of thin air via our mobile phones, the idea of a black and white portable colour television set seems like a relic of a bygone age.  Like something a flagrantly moustached Victorian scientist might have proudly displayed at the Great Exhibition of 1851.  Not so.  They existed in my lifetime. 

This one’s actually quite topical, considering… 1996 and my time on Creative Arts Studies is coming to an end. I was juggling a lot of end projects and plays and doing it badly. At one point I was juggling about four or five shows and plays (including Find Me, Between the Rock and a Hard Place, Andy Capp: The Musical and Shakespeare in their Lives) and a couple of different art presentations for my visual art modules.

Continued from part 1: Doing Shakespeare is actually tricky than you think. You can’t get away with just putting on a ruff, declaiming “Forsooth sirrah!” and then dropping down dead down-stage centre. If it was that easy then people off Hollyoaks or the PG Tips chimps would be doing it. It’s the language that’s the biggest hurdle. Unless you’re lucky enough to be an attendant, servant or spear-carrier in the background you actually have to learn an awful lot of words and many of them aren’t in proper English.

It’s difficult to be truly impartial about your own achievements, isn’t it? Especially through the dappled and deceiving mists of time. The human brain strives to build a coherent narrative out of the disparate and chaotic events of a person’s life and so most memories have an unnatural structure to them. And they’re rarely dispassionate. The inherent biases of the person comes into play.

It’d be fair to say that apart from my housemate Claire’s communal Sunday Lunches I didn’t eat terribly well when I was at university. Fray Bentos pies were a frequent thrifty option, even if they were Mad Cow Disease in a tin. One of the Fray Bentos tins nearly did for me at Blaine’s landlady’s house. Their kitchen only had one of the old fashioned “stab can” tin openers.

Oh, the Carlton Bar. I’ve mentioned her before. Easily the best of Sunderland University’s student union drinking establishments back during my tenure in the city. The Wearmouth Bar lacked the Carlton’s spark and soul. No-one ever got kidnapped by Sunderland Women’s hockey team in the Wearmouth bar. There was Manor Quay as well, the student union nightclub, but that was just a sweaty and garish warehouse of a place perched by the side of the river as part of the then-new St Peter’s Campus.

As I’m writing about university life, I suppose the time has come to cover the topic of illegal narcotics or “drugs” as they’re known in street parlance and… Actually the truth is there isn’t much to tell. My experiences with controlled substances were very much vanilla in nature. I smoked a fair amount of dope, a.k.a. Mary Jane, Ganja, Asphalt, Jazz Cigarettes, Japanese Maple or Pot. 

Fireworks can be dangerous things. "Never Fool With Fireworks" as the advertising campaign of the 1990's warned. There's a firework safety advert from the 1970's that I remember; one of those ones designed to emotionally scar little children for life. It's about a little boy blinded after a firework is thrown in his face. It's called: "Eyes". That's very on the nose, isn't.

Sometimes a very good idea can be a very bad idea. Drama Module 206: Scratch Theatre. The objective of the module was to devise something experimental, inventive and outre. We split into groups and Blaine suggested a radio play. Not something any of us had done before. A very good idea, but perhaps not unorthodox enough to meet the brief. …

Swindon is quite a long way away from Sunderland. I’m not making that up, I assure you. It’s something I could prove with a simple flourish of an A to Z road atlas of Great Britain. Do they even sell those anymore? I suppose Boomers might buy them. It’s all apps now, isn’t it? Or do we call geographical mapping applications “mapps”?

It’s tricky talking about my university lecturers as, I don’t know which of them are still alive and which ones aren’t. That's an important thing to consider, as you can't slander the dead... I didn’t have anything much to do with the music or dance lecturers on my course. You had to specialise on two subjects, minimum, so I chose drama and visual art.

I’ve been trying to remember this young man’s name.  He was on the Creative Arts Studies Course, although briefly.  He flunked out of the first year, so he wasn’t around much after that.  I asked Blaine – as he doesn’t drink and, as such, his memories of our time in Sunderland are more reliable – and he thinks the person’s name was “George Johnson” or maybe “George Johnston”. 

Searching through the University section of the Thomas Archives I made a few discoveries. A number of programmes to shows, scripts and essays that I’d forgotten. One really pleasing find was a rehearsal schedule for an early show. I think it might be for “Oh What a Lovely War”, but it’s not clear. Overall it’s just a rather dry list of names, dates, times and rehearsal spaces, but it has reminded me of the names of some of my classmates I’d forgotten.

I want it noted that I'm not proud of what happened. Not in the slightest. But I also want it noted that it wasn't really my fault. Not really. I was very much a victim of circumstance. As mentioned in another blog I had a nickname at university: "Beej", which was short for "BJ" (Ben-Jamin). However, before that sobriquet became attached to me there was another BJ.

When I was studying at Sunderland University I did the majority of my grocery shopping at a discount supermarket called Food Giant, based near the main Wearmouth campus site. The brand’s defunct now, it was an offshoot of Somerfield supermarkets that were reabsorbed by the parent company. And Somerfield are defunct as well now, swallowed up by the Co-Op. Mad to think I visited Food Giant in Sunderland literally hundreds of times and yet the name has barely left a footprint.