Taking a one-month course of supplemental estrogen: Two weeks in, our refrigerator stopped working. My husband had to unfurl me from the fetal position and, through my distraught sobs, convince me not to kill myself.

We haven't begun to understand the physiopsychology of women.

#ClancyTrial

Dolly Parton may have been the only person who was unmilkshake duckable. They could announce eleven bodies were found buried in her basement, and we would've collectively shrugged and said, "Well, what did they do to annoy her?"

Wake up, babe. New MAHA Way to Die just dropped.

Million-Dollar Idea: Pet accessories with clips and adjusters designed for humans with arthritis, neuropathy, and other fine-motor limitations.

Pet product designers, how can you say no to this face?!?

#pets #dogsofbluesky

Shouting at the dog through the bathroom door: "Object permanence!"

I adore spring, but I hate this two weeks when exactly three species of bugs, different from any bug in any previous year, invade three specific corners of my house for no discernible reason.

Why is James Carville

Hi, all!

[Waves enthusiastically.]

Trump's constant referral to the bombing of Iran as an "excursion" isn't because he's a callous asshole (he is), but because his skull full of cottage cheese can't remember the word "incursion."

Thinking of joining the Jehovah's Witnesses. They get me.

Forget Tool Cow. May I present Aghast Snail?

AI, can we make a deal? You can poison my children's brains and shit in the water supply if you just modulate TV commercial volume levels.

We gonna discuss or nah?

I can't explain why, but somehow this is Trump's fault.

The cruellest trick the devil ever played was putting Imodium into blister packs only opened with scissors.

DOGE will be like Cybertruck: its luster quickly fades, the wheels fall off, the lights go out, and anyone foolish enough to get into it will eventually realize it's a trap.

Also, raccoons will mistake it for a dumpster.