Allison Gutierrez
@allisongutierrez.bsky.social
“It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.”
So crazy listening to my friend on a podcast. She glazed over some things and I was immediately transported back to 2017. She was being low key and I was like “wait I know literally everything about this I was there” 😂
March 6, 2026 at 1:54 AM
So crazy listening to my friend on a podcast. She glazed over some things and I was immediately transported back to 2017. She was being low key and I was like “wait I know literally everything about this I was there” 😂
Peace and love to absolutely everyone but goddamn did a memo get sent out that when posting on Valentine’s Day you *must* use the term my forever valentine?
It was, I shit you not, on 5!! stories back to back.
It was, I shit you not, on 5!! stories back to back.
February 15, 2026 at 5:52 AM
Peace and love to absolutely everyone but goddamn did a memo get sent out that when posting on Valentine’s Day you *must* use the term my forever valentine?
It was, I shit you not, on 5!! stories back to back.
It was, I shit you not, on 5!! stories back to back.
The trades from yesterday were kinda crazy and I also feel bad they got traded in the middle of winter. Like you have to go from LA to the Midwest lol and also Lance wants to come back?! I don’t…not like it
February 6, 2026 at 1:49 PM
The trades from yesterday were kinda crazy and I also feel bad they got traded in the middle of winter. Like you have to go from LA to the Midwest lol and also Lance wants to come back?! I don’t…not like it
“You know, before we started dating I never drank water. Or used Vaseline. I was just. Dry and dehydrated.” Women (me) doing the lord’s work for white boys with old school parents.
February 5, 2026 at 6:14 AM
“You know, before we started dating I never drank water. Or used Vaseline. I was just. Dry and dehydrated.” Women (me) doing the lord’s work for white boys with old school parents.
After going to a few bookstores and lunch with fam/friends, we ended up going to ikea to get a second big bookshelf for me because my original big one and nightstand are overflowing and I can’t tell you how excited I am to put it up and organize it. Adult birthdays are fun
January 17, 2026 at 11:51 PM
After going to a few bookstores and lunch with fam/friends, we ended up going to ikea to get a second big bookshelf for me because my original big one and nightstand are overflowing and I can’t tell you how excited I am to put it up and organize it. Adult birthdays are fun
A month and a half ago we took in a sweet young stray, got him fixed, vaxxed, chipped for our address because we realized we got got by the distribution system. Kiwi is still adjusting to him because he’s 1ish and energetic and she’s a mature almost
7ish.
7ish.
January 13, 2026 at 3:07 AM
A month and a half ago we took in a sweet young stray, got him fixed, vaxxed, chipped for our address because we realized we got got by the distribution system. Kiwi is still adjusting to him because he’s 1ish and energetic and she’s a mature almost
7ish.
7ish.
You know you’re getting old when you know the heated rivalry boys are cutie patooties but then you think “I wonder how hot their dads are??” Your 30s are weird.
January 13, 2026 at 1:38 AM
You know you’re getting old when you know the heated rivalry boys are cutie patooties but then you think “I wonder how hot their dads are??” Your 30s are weird.
Rotating years of getting IWTV and Heated Rivalry feels correct because they know no one would emotionally survive if both came out in the same year. What a time for bisexual male characters with European accents
January 7, 2026 at 5:37 PM
Rotating years of getting IWTV and Heated Rivalry feels correct because they know no one would emotionally survive if both came out in the same year. What a time for bisexual male characters with European accents
I’m way too excited about this gray ass day off. I’m gonna be productive for like 2/3 hours then I am going to read. I probably won’t finish my book but I’ll make a lot of progress
November 18, 2025 at 2:55 PM
I’m way too excited about this gray ass day off. I’m gonna be productive for like 2/3 hours then I am going to read. I probably won’t finish my book but I’ll make a lot of progress
“Should I tell this guy on the Costco Reddit thread complaining that it’s hard to open up this snack that you just opened the same snack up like so easily?”
“Yeah absolutely.”
“Alright I’ll say “‘hey man, not a problem for my girl, she JUST opened this up’”
Friday night turn up
“Yeah absolutely.”
“Alright I’ll say “‘hey man, not a problem for my girl, she JUST opened this up’”
Friday night turn up
November 8, 2025 at 3:43 AM
“Should I tell this guy on the Costco Reddit thread complaining that it’s hard to open up this snack that you just opened the same snack up like so easily?”
“Yeah absolutely.”
“Alright I’ll say “‘hey man, not a problem for my girl, she JUST opened this up’”
Friday night turn up
“Yeah absolutely.”
“Alright I’ll say “‘hey man, not a problem for my girl, she JUST opened this up’”
Friday night turn up
God I wish my ENT could be my everything doctor. My primary. My OB. My derm. I love her.
November 6, 2025 at 6:46 PM
God I wish my ENT could be my everything doctor. My primary. My OB. My derm. I love her.
There’s literally me and one older lady in the waiting area. She got a text and went “UGH get OFF my phone” 😂
November 6, 2025 at 6:30 PM
There’s literally me and one older lady in the waiting area. She got a text and went “UGH get OFF my phone” 😂
Reposted by Allison Gutierrez
seldom has one man's face more effectively conveyed the exact phrase "I gotta get the fuck outta here"
November 6, 2025 at 6:27 PM
seldom has one man's face more effectively conveyed the exact phrase "I gotta get the fuck outta here"
I’m at my ENT and there’s a neuroscience symposium happening and I was so annoyed by the amount of traffic getting to the hospital and then I was like “…oh. Yeah. They should be here.”
November 6, 2025 at 6:26 PM
I’m at my ENT and there’s a neuroscience symposium happening and I was so annoyed by the amount of traffic getting to the hospital and then I was like “…oh. Yeah. They should be here.”
FOMO with my friends still left in the city because De Blasio was the mayor when I lived there.
I am genuinely so happy for them and so jealous 😭
I am genuinely so happy for them and so jealous 😭
November 5, 2025 at 4:41 AM
FOMO with my friends still left in the city because De Blasio was the mayor when I lived there.
I am genuinely so happy for them and so jealous 😭
I am genuinely so happy for them and so jealous 😭
I could literally tell you the exact teacher I had in high school who taught American history when we learned about term limits. I know school isn’t for everyone and people don’t always finish, but goddamn. For those of us who LISTENED it’s insane seeing everyone be this dumb.
Trump on a third term: "I would love to do it. I have the best numbers ever. Am I not ruling it out? You'll have to tell me."
October 27, 2025 at 8:51 PM
I could literally tell you the exact teacher I had in high school who taught American history when we learned about term limits. I know school isn’t for everyone and people don’t always finish, but goddamn. For those of us who LISTENED it’s insane seeing everyone be this dumb.
Reposted by Allison Gutierrez
The playbook for 22nd Amendment nullification is already being written with the attack on birthright citizenship: a group of unscrupulous right wing lawyers are going to hastily write some papers to make a “growing body of literature” claiming that the constitution doesn’t say what it plainly does.
Trump on a third term: "I would love to do it. I have the best numbers ever. Am I not ruling it out? You'll have to tell me."
October 27, 2025 at 8:44 PM
The playbook for 22nd Amendment nullification is already being written with the attack on birthright citizenship: a group of unscrupulous right wing lawyers are going to hastily write some papers to make a “growing body of literature” claiming that the constitution doesn’t say what it plainly does.
I cannot tell you how satisfying it is when a client says “YOU’RE the manager?!” And I say yes and they absolutely choose not to receive that information 😂
October 3, 2025 at 12:11 AM
I cannot tell you how satisfying it is when a client says “YOU’RE the manager?!” And I say yes and they absolutely choose not to receive that information 😂
Reposted by Allison Gutierrez
Me on Chappelle in 2021: “Watching Chappelle contort himself to justify ashy ideas about gender, queerness and identity is harrowing, because the only thing more brutal than someone saying hurtful shit is someone saying hurtful shit moments after making you laugh…”
October 2, 2025 at 7:32 PM
Me on Chappelle in 2021: “Watching Chappelle contort himself to justify ashy ideas about gender, queerness and identity is harrowing, because the only thing more brutal than someone saying hurtful shit is someone saying hurtful shit moments after making you laugh…”
In April I was on a flight back from Palm Springs and I sat next to a reality tv person who is famous. During the flight I had no idea it was her because I don’t watch a ton of reality show. My friend pointed her out when we landed. “Wait you sat next to *her*?” “Ugh yes 🙄 so annoying” “WHAT” 😂
October 2, 2025 at 2:01 AM
In April I was on a flight back from Palm Springs and I sat next to a reality tv person who is famous. During the flight I had no idea it was her because I don’t watch a ton of reality show. My friend pointed her out when we landed. “Wait you sat next to *her*?” “Ugh yes 🙄 so annoying” “WHAT” 😂
Okay so 2 summers ago my cat had an era where she was hunting and snacking on random crickets in my first floor apartment. Never had a bug issue but we lived by the pond so crickets sometimes happened. But if you don’t know, cat’s stomachs cannot handle the exoskeleton, so they get sick. Real cute
September 29, 2025 at 4:31 AM
Okay so 2 summers ago my cat had an era where she was hunting and snacking on random crickets in my first floor apartment. Never had a bug issue but we lived by the pond so crickets sometimes happened. But if you don’t know, cat’s stomachs cannot handle the exoskeleton, so they get sick. Real cute
Reposted by Allison Gutierrez
Reposted by Allison Gutierrez
Currently reading a Grady Hendrix book and one of my co-workers was like “oh, that looks like the Bible!” And I said “it’s…in a way kind of the opposite?” And she then wanted to know more 😂
August 30, 2025 at 2:10 AM
Currently reading a Grady Hendrix book and one of my co-workers was like “oh, that looks like the Bible!” And I said “it’s…in a way kind of the opposite?” And she then wanted to know more 😂