Blaine G. Woodturtle
@blainewoodturtle.bsky.social
Mistress of wine and entertaining. Your rich aunt. Traded state's evidence a few times, don't ask questions and just accept the Birkin bag, dear
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
Tarot May 2026 Balance Path Notes:
-Knight of Pentacles now a DashPass exclusive pull
-Card X Wheel of Fortune has 10% chance of appearing as a holofoil version of itself
-4 of Cups no longer displaying as "6 of -2 Cups"
-5 of Wands +07% more homoerotic
-Card XVII The Star patched out for no reason
-Knight of Pentacles now a DashPass exclusive pull
-Card X Wheel of Fortune has 10% chance of appearing as a holofoil version of itself
-4 of Cups no longer displaying as "6 of -2 Cups"
-5 of Wands +07% more homoerotic
-Card XVII The Star patched out for no reason
May 20, 2026 at 3:25 AM
Tarot May 2026 Balance Path Notes:
-Knight of Pentacles now a DashPass exclusive pull
-Card X Wheel of Fortune has 10% chance of appearing as a holofoil version of itself
-4 of Cups no longer displaying as "6 of -2 Cups"
-5 of Wands +07% more homoerotic
-Card XVII The Star patched out for no reason
-Knight of Pentacles now a DashPass exclusive pull
-Card X Wheel of Fortune has 10% chance of appearing as a holofoil version of itself
-4 of Cups no longer displaying as "6 of -2 Cups"
-5 of Wands +07% more homoerotic
-Card XVII The Star patched out for no reason
Happy Memorial Day to everyone out there that has memories! I think most of you are making them up but they are a hoot, so please keep remembering! And for those without memories, please start remembering to remember! It's as easy as thinking on accident, but having the thoughts be true!
May 26, 2025 at 11:10 AM
Happy Memorial Day to everyone out there that has memories! I think most of you are making them up but they are a hoot, so please keep remembering! And for those without memories, please start remembering to remember! It's as easy as thinking on accident, but having the thoughts be true!
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
Hey everybody!
My partner and I are struggling to keep up with bills, and it's likely to get harder this summer because of energy costs and their work. As of now, we don't have enough saved to cover next month. We'd appreciate any help at all, including boosts!
#helpsky
gofund.me/c64b2048
My partner and I are struggling to keep up with bills, and it's likely to get harder this summer because of energy costs and their work. As of now, we don't have enough saved to cover next month. We'd appreciate any help at all, including boosts!
#helpsky
gofund.me/c64b2048
May 3, 2025 at 6:43 PM
Hey everybody!
My partner and I are struggling to keep up with bills, and it's likely to get harder this summer because of energy costs and their work. As of now, we don't have enough saved to cover next month. We'd appreciate any help at all, including boosts!
#helpsky
gofund.me/c64b2048
My partner and I are struggling to keep up with bills, and it's likely to get harder this summer because of energy costs and their work. As of now, we don't have enough saved to cover next month. We'd appreciate any help at all, including boosts!
#helpsky
gofund.me/c64b2048
Whose pussy do you gotta eat to not be made to wait at the third pickup window at McDonalds for your order every single time?
May 2, 2025 at 5:33 PM
Whose pussy do you gotta eat to not be made to wait at the third pickup window at McDonalds for your order every single time?
They never left the atmosphere. As they ascended, I was clinging to that sky dildo, white knuckled and clenching my katana between my teeth. My eyes barely even started to bulge. I was so mad, I wanted to cut that can open and Kill Bill Perry in zero G, not NEAR zero G. Weak shit, Bezos. Weak shit.
April 18, 2025 at 11:57 PM
They never left the atmosphere. As they ascended, I was clinging to that sky dildo, white knuckled and clenching my katana between my teeth. My eyes barely even started to bulge. I was so mad, I wanted to cut that can open and Kill Bill Perry in zero G, not NEAR zero G. Weak shit, Bezos. Weak shit.
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
Useless babies.
March 7, 2025 at 2:25 AM
Useless babies.
Anita Bryant died. I'm not celebrating because I feel like she's a Jacob Marley type but I'm not NOT celebrating, yknow?
January 10, 2025 at 4:02 AM
Anita Bryant died. I'm not celebrating because I feel like she's a Jacob Marley type but I'm not NOT celebrating, yknow?
My brother and his family just realized I'd hired Hannah Waddingham to act as a stand-in for me for their family holiday ski trip and now they are all mad... like... bitch, complain more, YOU JUST GOT A FREE MEET AND GREET WITH HANNAH WADDINGHAM, you're welcome???
December 31, 2024 at 5:47 PM
My brother and his family just realized I'd hired Hannah Waddingham to act as a stand-in for me for their family holiday ski trip and now they are all mad... like... bitch, complain more, YOU JUST GOT A FREE MEET AND GREET WITH HANNAH WADDINGHAM, you're welcome???
Spent an absolutely ENCHANTING holiday with my nearest and dearest on Snake Mountain. God, there is nothing quite as festive as a slime waterfall.
December 26, 2024 at 7:25 PM
Spent an absolutely ENCHANTING holiday with my nearest and dearest on Snake Mountain. God, there is nothing quite as festive as a slime waterfall.
The ghosts that come to me tonight better have HUGE dicks, that's all I'm sayin'
December 24, 2024 at 10:46 PM
The ghosts that come to me tonight better have HUGE dicks, that's all I'm sayin'
Mmmm. Chicken nungies
December 24, 2024 at 6:47 PM
Mmmm. Chicken nungies
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
Me: [washing my hair in the shower]
Intrusive thought: Is Elon Musk a Final Fantasy villain?
[Standing stunned with shampoo in my hair for 10 seconds]
Me: [aloud] No. He's too ugly
[Beat]
Me: [still aloud] That's a good point actually. ... thanks!
Me: [aloud] Hey, no problem. [Rinses hair]
Intrusive thought: Is Elon Musk a Final Fantasy villain?
[Standing stunned with shampoo in my hair for 10 seconds]
Me: [aloud] No. He's too ugly
[Beat]
Me: [still aloud] That's a good point actually. ... thanks!
Me: [aloud] Hey, no problem. [Rinses hair]
December 24, 2024 at 1:31 AM
Me: [washing my hair in the shower]
Intrusive thought: Is Elon Musk a Final Fantasy villain?
[Standing stunned with shampoo in my hair for 10 seconds]
Me: [aloud] No. He's too ugly
[Beat]
Me: [still aloud] That's a good point actually. ... thanks!
Me: [aloud] Hey, no problem. [Rinses hair]
Intrusive thought: Is Elon Musk a Final Fantasy villain?
[Standing stunned with shampoo in my hair for 10 seconds]
Me: [aloud] No. He's too ugly
[Beat]
Me: [still aloud] That's a good point actually. ... thanks!
Me: [aloud] Hey, no problem. [Rinses hair]
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
where the fuck were you at elf practice
December 20, 2024 at 4:52 AM
where the fuck were you at elf practice
Let me get this straight, so TACO BELL can put a giant Cheezit in a burrito and they are a viral sensation, but I put Cheezits in my penne mollicata and Italians keep trying to MURDER ME with AXES????
December 19, 2024 at 7:40 PM
Let me get this straight, so TACO BELL can put a giant Cheezit in a burrito and they are a viral sensation, but I put Cheezits in my penne mollicata and Italians keep trying to MURDER ME with AXES????
I've decided I am sick of the bro culture in the restauranteur world. I am going to open my own restaurant JUST FOR WOMEN. Vibrant women. I am going to call it Sassies, and its gonna be FOR THE GIRLIES
December 17, 2024 at 10:26 PM
I've decided I am sick of the bro culture in the restauranteur world. I am going to open my own restaurant JUST FOR WOMEN. Vibrant women. I am going to call it Sassies, and its gonna be FOR THE GIRLIES
My psychic today said with my wit and love of cuisine, I have the spirit of a fat woman. I was not offended but just a bit concerned-- if I still have any kind of spirit, then what did I kill in the 90s with hedonism and compromise?
December 17, 2024 at 4:48 AM
My psychic today said with my wit and love of cuisine, I have the spirit of a fat woman. I was not offended but just a bit concerned-- if I still have any kind of spirit, then what did I kill in the 90s with hedonism and compromise?
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
Those were the good old days.
December 16, 2024 at 2:54 AM
Those were the good old days.
I just had to reject 22 applications for the role of Santa at my holiday cocktail hour because not a one had a fupa or VPL and I just refuse to let the photos of the event seem dated when we look back and go "oh that was the year Santa couldn't afford groceries". Christmas should be timeless, dammit
December 11, 2024 at 8:39 PM
I just had to reject 22 applications for the role of Santa at my holiday cocktail hour because not a one had a fupa or VPL and I just refuse to let the photos of the event seem dated when we look back and go "oh that was the year Santa couldn't afford groceries". Christmas should be timeless, dammit
Mainstream media are having a Pavlovian response to the fact that the man shares a name with a Nintendo character, which is why the headlines are about video games instead of the Italian revenge opera that is the real story. They just saw Luigi and were like "quick, rehash the Columbine logic!"
December 10, 2024 at 7:26 PM
Mainstream media are having a Pavlovian response to the fact that the man shares a name with a Nintendo character, which is why the headlines are about video games instead of the Italian revenge opera that is the real story. They just saw Luigi and were like "quick, rehash the Columbine logic!"
Luigi Mangione was with me the whole time. Eating my box. (He looks like a skilled box eater, right???)
December 9, 2024 at 10:58 PM
Luigi Mangione was with me the whole time. Eating my box. (He looks like a skilled box eater, right???)
Reposted by Blaine G. Woodturtle
All I’m saying is a Carls Jr employee would never
December 9, 2024 at 10:49 PM
All I’m saying is a Carls Jr employee would never
I also want to take a strong stance against A1! What is it, like a dance or a food additive or something? Anyway, this account is strictly ANTI A-ONE!!
December 9, 2024 at 9:49 PM
I also want to take a strong stance against A1! What is it, like a dance or a food additive or something? Anyway, this account is strictly ANTI A-ONE!!
I had my colon bleached there once by some interns.
December 9, 2024 at 7:35 PM
I had my colon bleached there once by some interns.
At my friend Nipsy's for a fundraising luncheon.
... these floral arrangements are just HAVOC 🤨
... these floral arrangements are just HAVOC 🤨
December 9, 2024 at 7:32 PM
At my friend Nipsy's for a fundraising luncheon.
... these floral arrangements are just HAVOC 🤨
... these floral arrangements are just HAVOC 🤨
If Elon thinks that child will protect him, I have bad news; this is America. If anything having a child in public is just attracting more shooters
December 9, 2024 at 7:21 PM
If Elon thinks that child will protect him, I have bad news; this is America. If anything having a child in public is just attracting more shooters