A flawless story, perfectly told. I quite audibly snorted at "it was a McMuffin".

My phone is perpetually covered in stickers. One day she is going to find my work phone unguarded, and on that day any residual professional credence I still have will be up in (pink, glittery) smoke.

I get England is usually far nicer weather-wise as a baseline - I have turned up for a weekend of 30 degrees in London having packed Edinburgh-appropriate jeans, jumpers and cords in the past - but even allowing for that, the current weather split is absolutely wild.

We're down in East Sussex from Scotland for a family get-together and it's just as bizarre the other way round. I honestly did not realise it had been *this* bad down here while we've been looking out the Goretex shoes and raincoats again back home.

There's a man on my street (in Scotland) letting off fireworks.

It's still light.

Oh god, I can't stop laughing at this horse. Send help.

Magnificent 🤣🤣🤣

To this day I can't decide if he was more delighted at seeing some random guy wearing his team's colours on another continent, or that he had pranked someone so comprehensively they were about to pass out.

Shaky, sweating and now having a minor panic attack by the crusty bread, I got spun around when he grabbed me by the shoulder and yelled "THAT'S MY TEAM!!!" with the biggest, cheesiest grin I've ever seen.

One morning many years ago, I was very hungover and shuffling forlornly around my local supermarket, wearing a vintage Accra Hearts of Oak tracksuit top, when I started getting followed quite overtly from aisle to aisle by the very serious-looking security guard.

He really is just the nost dismal bastard on the face of the Earth.

Both are excellent ways of getting him to STFU for a bit.

I would have thought "trying to be nice to everyone" is about as British as you could get, but who am I to argue. Maybe I've just read too much Paddington of late.

This is an excellent tool and everyone involved deserves a standing ovation.

Your Europa League final against Frankfurt was one of the most unpleasantly stressful nights of my life, and that includes supporting my wife through a 24 hour labour.

But i didn't half enjoy the schadenfreude of seeing them struggle, and that pettiness is the true essence of football IMHO.

I definitely missed the tension of the Glasgow derbies, back when it was two great sides and you couldn't call the results. Between us we haven't gotten back to that; either Rangers were still rebuilding/Celtic were getting it right under Rodgers and Ange, or Celtic were grtting it badly wrong.

On the flip side, it was genuinely hilarious seeing Rangers...

- getting a ball stuck in a hedge in a league match;
- chanting "same old Alloa, always cheating";
- flaming out in the Championship play-offs;
- forever having the ignominy of seeing the Petrofac cup on their list of domestic honours.