trump calling himself “your favorite president” is like your mom’s creepy brother calling himself “your favorite uncle”

i’m at the unprecedented times. i’m at the history repeats itself. i’m at the combination unprecedented times and history repeats itself

i’m at the strip club in europe throwing one euro coins at the dancer and i know from the way she looks at me that she’s in love with me too

oh cilantro my beloved

i set everything on fire and they begged me to stop. “please, sir, stop setting things on fire, we’ll do anything,” they said. so what did i do? i paused setting things on fire for 90 days. heh. art of the deal

if i don’t understand something or immediately recognize it, it’s woke. sorry that’s just how it is

the usa has announced they’ll be sending foreign aid to myanmar in the form of a get well soon card and a fruit basket

Every day I have to hear about some asshole

oh bodega cat. we’re really in it now

what even is the etiquette if you’re sitting in an aisle seat. am i allowed to look out the window too or is that weird

thanksgiving is hitting a little different this year. i’m grateful for my friends and found family with whom i can celebrate, and i’m sending love to those who are also far (physically and/or emotionally) from their relatives 🫶🏻

have you talked to your grandma about the dangers of getting run over by a reindeer?