jared 360
@jardsmard.bsky.social
i own a sixty dollars and it's at the bank
Would you like a bandaid, Mr. President? Some of the ones I'm wearing are mostly just decorative
September 16, 2026 at 12:25 AM
Would you like a bandaid, Mr. President? Some of the ones I'm wearing are mostly just decorative
Being Jack Black would be awesome once you get over the fact that you have to be like that all the time
September 2, 2026 at 10:50 PM
Being Jack Black would be awesome once you get over the fact that you have to be like that all the time
My plumber really understood the assignment when I told him to install toilets with modern appeal but timeless feel
August 29, 2026 at 2:16 PM
My plumber really understood the assignment when I told him to install toilets with modern appeal but timeless feel
I'd be willing to bet that one of my next birthdays is only months away
August 28, 2026 at 4:34 PM
I'd be willing to bet that one of my next birthdays is only months away
Pissed off that my eyes need to blink. Like cmon buddy I was watching that
August 13, 2026 at 5:45 PM
Pissed off that my eyes need to blink. Like cmon buddy I was watching that
Shirt: from the store
Pants: from the store
Shoes: from the store
Socks: from the store
Pants: from the store
Shoes: from the store
Socks: from the store
August 7, 2026 at 4:17 PM
Shirt: from the store
Pants: from the store
Shoes: from the store
Socks: from the store
Pants: from the store
Shoes: from the store
Socks: from the store
I find I can only tolerate listening to my dentist's podcast if there's a couple fingers in my mouth
March 13, 2026 at 10:45 PM
I find I can only tolerate listening to my dentist's podcast if there's a couple fingers in my mouth
If a smile is cracked and there is nobody around to see it, does it still spread joy?
Yes
Yes
January 14, 2026 at 3:48 PM
If a smile is cracked and there is nobody around to see it, does it still spread joy?
Yes
Yes
A Sloan sink faucet, a Kimberly Clarke soap dispenser, and a Dyson Airblade hand dryer? Yep, going to the movies is back.
January 3, 2026 at 5:39 PM
A Sloan sink faucet, a Kimberly Clarke soap dispenser, and a Dyson Airblade hand dryer? Yep, going to the movies is back.
I haven't had a new uncle in 15+ years. This has been hell
October 9, 2025 at 3:45 PM
I haven't had a new uncle in 15+ years. This has been hell
Me before da movie "One Battle After Another" and then me after da movie OBAA (One Battle After Another")
October 9, 2025 at 2:40 PM
Me before da movie "One Battle After Another" and then me after da movie OBAA (One Battle After Another")
all "trumpers" are a little lost if you ask me....
October 2, 2025 at 10:55 PM
all "trumpers" are a little lost if you ask me....
Wiping my ass on the toilet paper roll like a bear rubbing his back on a tree
September 23, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Wiping my ass on the toilet paper roll like a bear rubbing his back on a tree
Eating diarrhea-like foods to trick my body to stop making diarrhea
June 23, 2025 at 6:10 PM
Eating diarrhea-like foods to trick my body to stop making diarrhea
Wearing my Got Poop? shirt into the bathroom so the guys in there know I'm serious
June 4, 2025 at 12:49 AM
Wearing my Got Poop? shirt into the bathroom so the guys in there know I'm serious
Just reaching out to see if you have a beautiful wife or not
June 3, 2025 at 4:10 PM
Just reaching out to see if you have a beautiful wife or not
My car is probably so happy when I don't get into accidents
June 2, 2025 at 2:16 AM
My car is probably so happy when I don't get into accidents
Hey man the department store called and they said they're all out of you
June 1, 2025 at 11:02 PM
Hey man the department store called and they said they're all out of you
I wish there were an electric chair big enough for that purple fucking dinosaur
May 19, 2025 at 9:21 PM
I wish there were an electric chair big enough for that purple fucking dinosaur
It's a really nice day out if you know where to look
May 17, 2025 at 2:25 PM
It's a really nice day out if you know where to look
Husband to 1
Father to 3
Boss to 2 (both named Michael)
Father to 3
Boss to 2 (both named Michael)
May 17, 2025 at 2:24 PM
Husband to 1
Father to 3
Boss to 2 (both named Michael)
Father to 3
Boss to 2 (both named Michael)
There's not such thing as a bad crumb. Scientists have never been able to find one
April 23, 2025 at 4:05 PM
There's not such thing as a bad crumb. Scientists have never been able to find one