Health insurance, 401ks, planning a funeral are nothing in comparison to the adulthood sadness of telling your own self you're not getting ice cream because you have ice cream at home
October 1, 2026 at 12:35 AM
Health insurance, 401ks, planning a funeral are nothing in comparison to the adulthood sadness of telling your own self you're not getting ice cream because you have ice cream at home
I was afraid I was having a medical emergency until I realized I'm just wearing an uncomfortable bra.
September 24, 2026 at 1:17 AM
I was afraid I was having a medical emergency until I realized I'm just wearing an uncomfortable bra.
I love how when I'm browsing for something to watch and see a show like "The Dumb Bitch Fart Murders" and Netflix is like "we think you'll LOVE this! 👍🏼👍🏼"
September 1, 2026 at 4:18 AM
I love how when I'm browsing for something to watch and see a show like "The Dumb Bitch Fart Murders" and Netflix is like "we think you'll LOVE this! 👍🏼👍🏼"
When I get on a subway car with no AC, I stay on it because I feel like I deserve it
August 17, 2026 at 7:05 PM
When I get on a subway car with no AC, I stay on it because I feel like I deserve it
My dentist started calling me "Bud" and I've never felt weirder about anything in my life
August 17, 2026 at 4:36 PM
My dentist started calling me "Bud" and I've never felt weirder about anything in my life
Me on Subway Takes talking into the little metrocard mic: I think you should be allowed to push people down the stairs
August 1, 2026 at 3:22 AM
Me on Subway Takes talking into the little metrocard mic: I think you should be allowed to push people down the stairs
Bank: your verification code is 77854321
Me: "I GOT A TEEEEEEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "I GOT A TEEEEEEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
July 17, 2026 at 4:13 AM
Bank: your verification code is 77854321
Me: "I GOT A TEEEEEEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "I GOT A TEEEEEEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Evan C at Geico knows the explosion emoji means satisfaction
July 13, 2026 at 8:03 PM
Evan C at Geico knows the explosion emoji means satisfaction
Whenever I hear "will the driver of a gray Honda Accord please move your vehicle before it's towed" I get very worried that I somehow blacked out, bought a Honda Accord, parked it at the airport, and forgot about it.
July 8, 2026 at 5:14 PM
Whenever I hear "will the driver of a gray Honda Accord please move your vehicle before it's towed" I get very worried that I somehow blacked out, bought a Honda Accord, parked it at the airport, and forgot about it.
I know that a cruel punishment awaits me in the afterlife because I have hit a lightning bug with my car.
July 7, 2026 at 2:17 AM
I know that a cruel punishment awaits me in the afterlife because I have hit a lightning bug with my car.
God won't stop popping popcorn :(
July 5, 2026 at 2:39 AM
God won't stop popping popcorn :(
Give the $100,000 to the owl
July 5, 2026 at 12:08 AM
Give the $100,000 to the owl
I just called the airport the porty zorty and I think it's gonna catch on
July 3, 2026 at 1:28 PM
I just called the airport the porty zorty and I think it's gonna catch on
Love island is people zoo
June 26, 2026 at 3:59 AM
Love island is people zoo
Was it an air conditioner drip or bird poop???????????
June 13, 2026 at 7:59 PM
Was it an air conditioner drip or bird poop???????????
Because you know I'm all about that plain, bout that plain, no maple
(my oatmeal song)
(my oatmeal song)
May 1, 2026 at 3:30 AM
Because you know I'm all about that plain, bout that plain, no maple
(my oatmeal song)
(my oatmeal song)
Moles and beavers are basically the same thing right
April 29, 2026 at 4:30 PM
Moles and beavers are basically the same thing right
Big trees? You mean tig ol' triddies?
April 28, 2026 at 10:03 PM
Big trees? You mean tig ol' triddies?
When you're on your way to a restaurant do you say the name of the restaurant out loud over and over again until you arrive at the restaurant? Great, me too.
March 10, 2026 at 12:44 AM
When you're on your way to a restaurant do you say the name of the restaurant out loud over and over again until you arrive at the restaurant? Great, me too.
I hate when I force myself to try to be friendly to my neighbors and they ignore me. Look buddy, I could've absolutely obliterated you in a not saying hi contest if I knew that's what we were playing.
January 31, 2026 at 8:27 PM
I hate when I force myself to try to be friendly to my neighbors and they ignore me. Look buddy, I could've absolutely obliterated you in a not saying hi contest if I knew that's what we were playing.
Men love using the word "beverage"
January 31, 2026 at 6:39 AM
Men love using the word "beverage"
Just fyi I'm bringing back biotch
December 30, 2025 at 10:54 PM
Just fyi I'm bringing back biotch
Sometimes I think someone is much younger than me and then they go and say something like "snakes on a plane"
December 30, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Sometimes I think someone is much younger than me and then they go and say something like "snakes on a plane"
My Jingle Bell Rock take is not enough songs anymore go ba dum dump dump
December 15, 2025 at 3:35 AM
My Jingle Bell Rock take is not enough songs anymore go ba dum dump dump
Dropping stuff wouldn't suck so bad if you didn't have to bend down and pick it up
December 12, 2025 at 6:31 PM
Dropping stuff wouldn't suck so bad if you didn't have to bend down and pick it up