If a sorcerous Wiccan chick offers you a good time: do not accept. I said yes and this bitch fed me a tincture that made me relive all of my past lives. I used to be fucking Ea-nāșir what the fuck

If the ‘whistleblower’ takes the same stance as the CEO, it’s bullshit. “AI” companies want us to think their tech is an untethered threat because they see the bubble popping and want to fear monger their way into institution. They couldn’t be loved so now they angle for fear. Just let them starve.

I hereby give the Canadian government the right to draw and quarter everyone who refers to Lake Ontario as Lake ‘without the of’ America

-Signed someone who as much jurisdiction on the matter as ‘President’ Donnie

I know Iran doesn’t actually want to commit an assassination because if they did they would leave a McDouble over a bear-trap in front of the White House

Natalie Harp begged to fellate me to completion because I had the Guinness world record smallest cock but Donald John Trump had to come along and present his tiny little penis and dethrone me. How am I supposed to convince Netanyahu I’m his best little whore goy boy now? Grifting is so damn hard.

Worst day of the week has got to be trash day. I’m working six days a week decorating my sidewalk and providing homes for the poor stray rats and some selfish mfs come and throw it all away against my will on my tax dollar

BREAKING: NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani has cured super-cancer. VOTERS LAMENT: ‘So how do I save on cigarettes now?’

It’s so crazy that I closed the Strait of Hormuz but Khamenei and Trump are getting canned for it lmao

It’s so fucking crazy how one world leader can just kidnap or kill another. Thankfully only the United States is capable of pulling it off: our guy is the most grounded, sane, and moral.

I would hate to see any human being hurt let alone killed for factors beyond their control but do ice officers not see that the actions of their colleagues are going to get them killed? We are days away from seeing ice officers gunned down in the streets and they can prevent this by just leaving ICE

In the club ordering cranberry juice loudly so the ladies know I keep my shit regular

Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating https://theonion.com/archaeologists-d-c-capitol-may-have-once-been-used-for-legislating/

Crazy that trump’s private army is called ICE when they are chronically dripless (excluding their rabid salivation)

Boiling the spaghetti in the diva cup pot just to feel something

They voted me out of the polycule but I had an immunity idol

If Geoffrey bazinga has this much money and is still bald he must have a monolithic baldness

the entire framing of this suggests that musk is the superior in the room

If Trump is going to legally define me as female because my testicles didn’t develop until like 2 months in utero he better pony up for my tit job, that shit isn’t cheap.