Lawrence Welp
@lobstrosity.bsky.social
Relax and enjoy the dulcet tones of an anonymous idiot on the Internet.
Pinned
Lawrence Welp
@lobstrosity.bsky.social
· Feb 10
You've heard of "put up or shut up," but have you ever put up *and* shut up?
Bumper sticker idea:
"I'd Rather Be Jacking Off"
"I'd Rather Be Jacking Off"
August 21, 2026 at 5:14 AM
Bumper sticker idea:
"I'd Rather Be Jacking Off"
"I'd Rather Be Jacking Off"
I hate it when major world events fuck up my dog picture posts on social media.
May 30, 2026 at 1:36 AM
I hate it when major world events fuck up my dog picture posts on social media.
I don't like to 🩷 sad skeets. ☹️
On the other hand I also feel bad about ignoring sad skeets. 😔
But the LAST thing I want to do is reply to sad sleets. 🤮
On the other hand I also feel bad about ignoring sad skeets. 😔
But the LAST thing I want to do is reply to sad sleets. 🤮
May 29, 2026 at 10:26 PM
I don't like to 🩷 sad skeets. ☹️
On the other hand I also feel bad about ignoring sad skeets. 😔
But the LAST thing I want to do is reply to sad sleets. 🤮
On the other hand I also feel bad about ignoring sad skeets. 😔
But the LAST thing I want to do is reply to sad sleets. 🤮
LPT: When someone near you is giving you hand signals, unless you've both agreed on a game of charades, don't start guessing out loud.
"Watch? Time? Hitchhiking! Time for hitchhiking?! OK, you're rolling your eyes now... annoyed... I got it! You think this party is lame and you want to leave!!!"
"Watch? Time? Hitchhiking! Time for hitchhiking?! OK, you're rolling your eyes now... annoyed... I got it! You think this party is lame and you want to leave!!!"
February 16, 2026 at 12:25 AM
LPT: When someone near you is giving you hand signals, unless you've both agreed on a game of charades, don't start guessing out loud.
"Watch? Time? Hitchhiking! Time for hitchhiking?! OK, you're rolling your eyes now... annoyed... I got it! You think this party is lame and you want to leave!!!"
"Watch? Time? Hitchhiking! Time for hitchhiking?! OK, you're rolling your eyes now... annoyed... I got it! You think this party is lame and you want to leave!!!"
Me: I have to call in sick again.
Boss: What's wrong with you this time?
Me: I have déjà vu.
Boss: What's wrong with you this time?
Me: I have déjà vu.
January 15, 2026 at 4:09 AM
Me: I have to call in sick again.
Boss: What's wrong with you this time?
Me: I have déjà vu.
Boss: What's wrong with you this time?
Me: I have déjà vu.
Taking a contractor-grade dump in the Home Depot bathroom, then using their wifi to post about it to social media.
June 28, 2025 at 6:29 PM
Taking a contractor-grade dump in the Home Depot bathroom, then using their wifi to post about it to social media.
She'll do anything* to save our relationship.
*except stop drinking
*except stop drinking
May 18, 2025 at 5:46 PM
She'll do anything* to save our relationship.
*except stop drinking
*except stop drinking
"I'm just a little extra sometimes."
(extra annoying)
(extra annoying)
July 28, 2024 at 4:19 PM
"I'm just a little extra sometimes."
(extra annoying)
(extra annoying)
What should you do when reviewing all of the world's problems first thing in the morning energizes you?
What should you do when you live with that person?
What should you do when you live with that person?
July 6, 2024 at 5:20 PM
What should you do when reviewing all of the world's problems first thing in the morning energizes you?
What should you do when you live with that person?
What should you do when you live with that person?
She's a 10, but she'll only eat when served a tiny buffet.
June 22, 2024 at 12:18 AM
She's a 10, but she'll only eat when served a tiny buffet.
Reposted by Lawrence Welp
your honor, have you ever gotten busy in a burger king bathroom
June 15, 2024 at 1:55 AM
your honor, have you ever gotten busy in a burger king bathroom
My ventriloquist act basically consists of me audibly farting while the dog is on my lap.
June 15, 2024 at 12:25 AM
My ventriloquist act basically consists of me audibly farting while the dog is on my lap.
My partner's MacBook Pro apparently has 2 volume settings: mute, and loud as hell.
So anytime they want to take a quick look at a video, it's like it's suddenly Mardi Gras up in here.
So anytime they want to take a quick look at a video, it's like it's suddenly Mardi Gras up in here.
May 12, 2024 at 1:59 AM
My partner's MacBook Pro apparently has 2 volume settings: mute, and loud as hell.
So anytime they want to take a quick look at a video, it's like it's suddenly Mardi Gras up in here.
So anytime they want to take a quick look at a video, it's like it's suddenly Mardi Gras up in here.
This is me. I am an empty food container.
I’ve searched my soul but all I found was empty food containers
March 23, 2024 at 3:26 PM
This is me. I am an empty food container.
If I can't handle you at your worst,
then fuck your best.
then fuck your best.
March 17, 2024 at 8:31 PM
If I can't handle you at your worst,
then fuck your best.
then fuck your best.
Do you ever find chores to do just so you don't have to listen to your partner talk about politics?
"Yeah, I'm outraged too, but I think it's time to vacuum the entire house again. Love you, bye!"
"Yeah, I'm outraged too, but I think it's time to vacuum the entire house again. Love you, bye!"
February 19, 2024 at 11:56 PM
Do you ever find chores to do just so you don't have to listen to your partner talk about politics?
"Yeah, I'm outraged too, but I think it's time to vacuum the entire house again. Love you, bye!"
"Yeah, I'm outraged too, but I think it's time to vacuum the entire house again. Love you, bye!"
Reposted by Lawrence Welp
more like blahlentines day
February 14, 2024 at 8:49 PM
more like blahlentines day
Reposted by Lawrence Welp
If you go into Subway and ask, "What's good here?" they are legally obligated to say, "Nothing."
February 14, 2024 at 5:51 PM
If you go into Subway and ask, "What's good here?" they are legally obligated to say, "Nothing."
In honor of Valentine's Day, I will forgo my N95 mask in favor of an N69 mask.
February 14, 2024 at 5:57 PM
In honor of Valentine's Day, I will forgo my N95 mask in favor of an N69 mask.
Reposted by Lawrence Welp
Your dad tried to get me pregnant at snake church today.
February 11, 2024 at 4:13 PM
Your dad tried to get me pregnant at snake church today.
The strength of her proclamations vs. my ability to use Google on my phone is endlessly hilarious.
February 12, 2024 at 6:15 AM
The strength of her proclamations vs. my ability to use Google on my phone is endlessly hilarious.
Super Bowl Sunday is the wrong day to seek emotional support from strangers on the Internet.
February 12, 2024 at 2:44 AM
Super Bowl Sunday is the wrong day to seek emotional support from strangers on the Internet.
Reposted by Lawrence Welp
"Happy wife, happy life" is occasionally true, but "unhappy wife, unhappy life" is always fucking apt.
February 11, 2024 at 2:21 AM
"Happy wife, happy life" is occasionally true, but "unhappy wife, unhappy life" is always fucking apt.
I really like watching TV with you, but it would be OK if you didn't narrate everything that was happening.
February 11, 2024 at 2:50 AM
I really like watching TV with you, but it would be OK if you didn't narrate everything that was happening.