Being married to a teacher usually means hearing lovely anecdotes about 3-4 students your spouse absolutely falls in love with every year, plus horror stories about the 3-4 they hate.

President Trump shouldn't worry so much about his legacy. Eventually they'll be so many new laws in place to make sure the last 10 years never happens again that he'll have his infamy. A scumbag forever, but one we'll all remember. The narcissist's wishes.

My new thing is complaining about the refs in Football games when I haven't followed a second of the NFL in 25 years. I have nothing beyond 'They gotta do something about these sideline plays' and people just tell you their story.

We're at the stage of societal collapse where there's AI whistleblowers fearful for the end of civilization and the American President is saying "That's Fake News."

Being a male whose only male social activity is poker games, it's almost like saying I don't want to hang out with someone unless I can be low-key trying to steal some of their money.

I think my identity has been stolen but the thief is so restrained, it's more work to deal with the fraud. I can donate a few Starbucks a week.

A few weeks ago I got a hotel room next to train tracks. I complained about the noise and switched to the other side of the hotel. I fell asleep watching "My Cousin Vinny" and the train whistle scene woke me up.

I had always thought watching sitcoms made me disappointed about the real-life dearth of irregular shaped rooms, swinging doors into the kitchen, and houses with multiple stairwells.

Billion dollar idea for the clothes dryers with the drying sensors that turn off automatically. Whenever you think the clothes are dry, add 15 more minutes.

Life hack for ADHD Homeowners: Never forget to clean your gutters by waiting for them to overflow during torrential downpours and getting out the ladder in a thunderstorm.

Can the Can't Believe it's Not Butter people give it a rest? It's been like 40 years. We can handle the concept of margarine.

I'd love to be at the corporate pricing meetings for the Hudson News stands at airports. "Because fuck em. That's why."

This year for my birthday I got exactly what I wanted. The chore of responding "thanks" to 100 people I only hear from once a year.

Overheard at a casino: 60yo man screaming at his wife in the hallway: "Jesus Christ Marie, enough about the $5 coupon for the cheeseburger. Half a fucking hour about your $5 coupon. Can we talk for 30 minutes about the thousand you lost at the blackjack table?" NO NOTES.

I really wish Disney Plus could get some new space documentaries. I need something new/fresh to fall asleep and not watch more than 6 minutes of.

Hey Microsoft Excel, it's been like 400,000 times in a row. No, I don't want to expand the current selection, could you just stop asking? Also, just say I did a circular reference. Please stop passive aggressively explaining what it is, it's been 30 years.

I love how all the streaming companies gave us the button to skip the opening credits but then went "They're gonna watch the last two seconds of the song anyway, they can go fuck themselves"

Every time I assemble allen-key furniture, I always have an Apollo 13 style eureka moment where I'm proud of myself and say "I see what they're going with this," except I'm aligning three wood dowels for a bookshelf, not making a life-saving air filter from spare lunar module parts.