Zak Haines Comedy
@zakhainescomedy.bsky.social
Wild the NBA shut down Magic City Night but is ok with promoting Gambling, Alcohol, and AI ads. You can have psychosis but no pleasure.
March 10, 2026 at 11:34 AM
Wild the NBA shut down Magic City Night but is ok with promoting Gambling, Alcohol, and AI ads. You can have psychosis but no pleasure.
It's totally normal that some dudes in Hollywood made the first AI actor a teenager girl. Nothing to look into at all.
October 1, 2025 at 2:07 PM
It's totally normal that some dudes in Hollywood made the first AI actor a teenager girl. Nothing to look into at all.
Of course Trump is "worried" about teenagers in DC, that's his favorite age range.
August 11, 2025 at 11:55 AM
Of course Trump is "worried" about teenagers in DC, that's his favorite age range.
So Rockstar is gonna make people upload their license to confirm they're over 18 before they can play GTA VI (After paying a supposedly $100 for it)
My interest in the game is gone:
My interest in the game is gone:
two men are standing next to each other in a parking lot .
ALT: two men are standing next to each other in a parking lot .
media.tenor.com
August 4, 2025 at 12:43 PM
So Rockstar is gonna make people upload their license to confirm they're over 18 before they can play GTA VI (After paying a supposedly $100 for it)
My interest in the game is gone:
My interest in the game is gone:
Who's got 8 toes and left his girlfriend alone with his phone?
⬆️This guy⬆️
⬆️This guy⬆️
June 8, 2025 at 12:58 AM
Who's got 8 toes and left his girlfriend alone with his phone?
⬆️This guy⬆️
⬆️This guy⬆️
Love is texting your partner that the beef sticks she bought has a recall on them
May 15, 2025 at 12:15 PM
Love is texting your partner that the beef sticks she bought has a recall on them
We got a new Pope before GTA VI
May 8, 2025 at 4:30 PM
We got a new Pope before GTA VI
Met Gala this, Met Gala that, have you ever seen Mets fans galavanting with joy? Cause I sure haven't
May 6, 2025 at 11:17 AM
Met Gala this, Met Gala that, have you ever seen Mets fans galavanting with joy? Cause I sure haven't
If you think you're being affected by the "male loneliness epidemic" then we know for a fact you never talked to a woman.
May 6, 2025 at 11:16 AM
If you think you're being affected by the "male loneliness epidemic" then we know for a fact you never talked to a woman.
A recession indicator is the number of ads I've been getting to play World of Warcraft
May 6, 2025 at 11:06 AM
A recession indicator is the number of ads I've been getting to play World of Warcraft
Since RFK Jr says I can't pay taxes, what Lego set should I get first with all my new money?
April 17, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Since RFK Jr says I can't pay taxes, what Lego set should I get first with all my new money?
I've noticed a huge uptick in conservative content in my feeds owned by Meta. You're not going to turn me Zuckerd*ck.
April 7, 2025 at 12:04 PM
I've noticed a huge uptick in conservative content in my feeds owned by Meta. You're not going to turn me Zuckerd*ck.
The "no kids left behind" policy clearly proves we should of left some of you behind
April 7, 2025 at 11:54 AM
The "no kids left behind" policy clearly proves we should of left some of you behind
If you're a man and another dude asks you if you f**k every woman friend you have, cut them out of your life. No questions asked.
April 5, 2025 at 4:17 AM
If you're a man and another dude asks you if you f**k every woman friend you have, cut them out of your life. No questions asked.
Bro, how are we supposed to film the live action version of Happy Feet with tariffs on penguins? Make it make sense.
April 3, 2025 at 7:07 PM
Bro, how are we supposed to film the live action version of Happy Feet with tariffs on penguins? Make it make sense.
I know it's time for a haircut. But being roasted for my hair before my weight is a new level of bad I didn't know existed.
April 3, 2025 at 11:25 AM
I know it's time for a haircut. But being roasted for my hair before my weight is a new level of bad I didn't know existed.
You can't lose your retirement if you never had any savings in the first place
April 3, 2025 at 11:22 AM
You can't lose your retirement if you never had any savings in the first place
I've been playing Schedule I non-stop. The game about making a drug empire is ironically very addicting. I got clips I need to post but some people need their fix.
April 3, 2025 at 11:16 AM
I've been playing Schedule I non-stop. The game about making a drug empire is ironically very addicting. I got clips I need to post but some people need their fix.
The Switch 2 announcement makes me want to build a PC. That's how bad the prices are.
April 3, 2025 at 10:54 AM
The Switch 2 announcement makes me want to build a PC. That's how bad the prices are.
I quit...
At least one bad decision.
Got shows in April and started to book out May. All available ticket info is in my bio.
📷: @noahfmata
At least one bad decision.
Got shows in April and started to book out May. All available ticket info is in my bio.
📷: @noahfmata
April 1, 2025 at 11:48 AM
I quit...
At least one bad decision.
Got shows in April and started to book out May. All available ticket info is in my bio.
📷: @noahfmata
At least one bad decision.
Got shows in April and started to book out May. All available ticket info is in my bio.
📷: @noahfmata
Working on my next presentation for DC PowerPoint and need public input. If you could time travel into the past or future, where and when would you go? (Don't say anything about baby killing, we know you don't have the guts to do it)
March 25, 2025 at 1:09 PM
Working on my next presentation for DC PowerPoint and need public input. If you could time travel into the past or future, where and when would you go? (Don't say anything about baby killing, we know you don't have the guts to do it)
Good morning to everyone from New York except Chuck Schumer.
March 14, 2025 at 12:40 PM
Good morning to everyone from New York except Chuck Schumer.
Spring is around the corner and my schedule is filling up. Got plenty of shows coming up, including being a headliner for Roast Battle Philly. Tickets are available in my bio (and will be updated).
March 5, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Spring is around the corner and my schedule is filling up. Got plenty of shows coming up, including being a headliner for Roast Battle Philly. Tickets are available in my bio (and will be updated).
Google storage is a scam. Stop pulling up blurry selfies from college and expecting me to pay to save it. Deleting it from existence is for the best.
March 3, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Google storage is a scam. Stop pulling up blurry selfies from college and expecting me to pay to save it. Deleting it from existence is for the best.
So the Washington Post just became a tabloid. Can't wait to see stories about alien sightings and why women shouldn't have rights.
February 26, 2025 at 7:58 PM
So the Washington Post just became a tabloid. Can't wait to see stories about alien sightings and why women shouldn't have rights.