Literally a publication for eight-year olds 40 years ago
January 4, 2026 at 6:49 PM
Literally a publication for eight-year olds 40 years ago
11-year-olds get it.
Was explaining to David (11) the tariff stuff and what a tariff is and he was like “you mean like what started the revolutionary war?” And I was like; yes exactly.
April 3, 2025 at 12:13 AM
11-year-olds get it.
AOC: I saw on Fox, Jeanine Pirro says that they found so many babies and two year olds and four year olds receiving social security. I got a notice for you Jeanine Pirro: those babies receive social security because their parents died. That’s not a waste. That’s humanity. That’s America.
April 16, 2025 at 2:20 AM
AOC: I saw on Fox, Jeanine Pirro says that they found so many babies and two year olds and four year olds receiving social security. I got a notice for you Jeanine Pirro: those babies receive social security because their parents died. That’s not a waste. That’s humanity. That’s America.
Talked to so many people who were at the first protests of their lives today. Ex-Republicans, introverts, 90-year-olds and 3-year-olds. This was at an intersection in a 60,000 person town. Haven’t felt hope like this in my life.
June 14, 2025 at 8:11 PM
Talked to so many people who were at the first protests of their lives today. Ex-Republicans, introverts, 90-year-olds and 3-year-olds. This was at an intersection in a 60,000 person town. Haven’t felt hope like this in my life.
CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds https://theonion.com/cia-under-fire-for-arming-group-of-rowdy-7-year-olds/
May 13, 2026 at 3:00 PM
CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds https://theonion.com/cia-under-fire-for-arming-group-of-rowdy-7-year-olds/
90-year-olds were born in 1935. They were *never* hippies.
Stephen Miller: "All these demonstrators that you've seen out here in recent days, all these elderly white hippies, they're not part of the city and never have been ... we're gonna ignore these stupid white hippies that all need to go home and take a nap because they're all over 90 years old."
August 20, 2025 at 6:07 PM
90-year-olds were born in 1935. They were *never* hippies.
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
January 30, 2026 at 5:32 PM
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
ICE should have been hunting down the Iranian sleeper cells instead of 5 year-olds in bunny hats and 6 year-olds with hearing aids.
March 14, 2026 at 2:56 PM
ICE should have been hunting down the Iranian sleeper cells instead of 5 year-olds in bunny hats and 6 year-olds with hearing aids.
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
October 10, 2025 at 7:00 PM
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
God keeps taking the wrong 80-year-olds from us.
August 25, 2026 at 6:13 PM
God keeps taking the wrong 80-year-olds from us.
Matt Walsh watching YouTube for 3 year olds and getting furious
January 14, 2026 at 8:13 PM
Matt Walsh watching YouTube for 3 year olds and getting furious
He thought he was trafficking 31 yr olds
February 8, 2026 at 2:16 AM
He thought he was trafficking 31 yr olds
"don't worry, he's just into 15-year-olds" perhaps not as exculpatory as you think
Also 15-year-olds are not "barely legal." They are minors.
Also 15-year-olds are not "barely legal." They are minors.
Megyn Kelly: "I know somebody very close to this case…Jeffrey Epstein, in this person's view, was not a pedophile…He was into the barely legal type, like he liked 15 year old girls…He wasn't into like 8 year olds…There's a difference between a 15 year old and a 5 year old."
November 13, 2025 at 5:21 PM
"don't worry, he's just into 15-year-olds" perhaps not as exculpatory as you think
Also 15-year-olds are not "barely legal." They are minors.
Also 15-year-olds are not "barely legal." They are minors.
They’re five-year-olds! He’s sharing videos of a bunch of happy five-year-olds in order to harm them! It’s inhuman, we must rid ourselves of these men
Trump is now using his platform to attack kindergarteners because they are Muslim
July 6, 2026 at 4:19 PM
They’re five-year-olds! He’s sharing videos of a bunch of happy five-year-olds in order to harm them! It’s inhuman, we must rid ourselves of these men
They keep taking the wrong goddamn 80 year olds.
September 6, 2026 at 2:25 AM
They keep taking the wrong goddamn 80 year olds.
Incapable of understanding how "abolish ICE" was silly but arresting 5 year olds is public policy
January 22, 2026 at 12:02 AM
Incapable of understanding how "abolish ICE" was silly but arresting 5 year olds is public policy
Congress will vote to lower the age to prosecute minors as adults from 16 down to 14 in DC.
Let me get this straight:
Congress wants to prosecute 14 yr. olds as adults, but they don’t want to prosecute adults who sexually abuse 14 year olds?
Release the Epstein files.
Let me get this straight:
Congress wants to prosecute 14 yr. olds as adults, but they don’t want to prosecute adults who sexually abuse 14 year olds?
Release the Epstein files.
February 20, 2026 at 2:47 PM
Congress will vote to lower the age to prosecute minors as adults from 16 down to 14 in DC.
Let me get this straight:
Congress wants to prosecute 14 yr. olds as adults, but they don’t want to prosecute adults who sexually abuse 14 year olds?
Release the Epstein files.
Let me get this straight:
Congress wants to prosecute 14 yr. olds as adults, but they don’t want to prosecute adults who sexually abuse 14 year olds?
Release the Epstein files.
I had the delightful experience of teaching high school for about a year, which is how I know that 14-year-olds are kids, 15-year-olds are kids, 16-year-olds are kids, and 17-year-olds are kids. 18-year-olds? In my experience, usually kids
November 16, 2025 at 2:43 AM
I had the delightful experience of teaching high school for about a year, which is how I know that 14-year-olds are kids, 15-year-olds are kids, 16-year-olds are kids, and 17-year-olds are kids. 18-year-olds? In my experience, usually kids
Made a Seinfeld reference to a crowd of 20 year olds and one said, “you mean that show from the 1900s?”
Gawd, I’m so old. 👩🌾
Gawd, I’m so old. 👩🌾
September 26, 2026 at 2:20 AM
Made a Seinfeld reference to a crowd of 20 year olds and one said, “you mean that show from the 1900s?”
Gawd, I’m so old. 👩🌾
Gawd, I’m so old. 👩🌾
bluesky branding refresh unveiled
November 8, 2025 at 9:18 PM
bluesky branding refresh unveiled
48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds
theonion.com/48-year...
theonion.com/48-year...
January 27, 2025 at 4:00 PM
48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds
theonion.com/48-year...
theonion.com/48-year...
Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll
theonion.com/justice-depa...
theonion.com/justice-depa...
November 13, 2024 at 9:25 PM
Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll
theonion.com/justice-depa...
theonion.com/justice-depa...
Approval of Congress:
All: 15%
18-34 Year Olds: 14%
35-54 Year Olds: 16%
55+ Year Olds: 15%
Gallup / Oct 16, 2025
All: 15%
18-34 Year Olds: 14%
35-54 Year Olds: 16%
55+ Year Olds: 15%
Gallup / Oct 16, 2025
October 26, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Approval of Congress:
All: 15%
18-34 Year Olds: 14%
35-54 Year Olds: 16%
55+ Year Olds: 15%
Gallup / Oct 16, 2025
All: 15%
18-34 Year Olds: 14%
35-54 Year Olds: 16%
55+ Year Olds: 15%
Gallup / Oct 16, 2025