Locked in. Doors shut. Biscuits wrong. Mothers in Turkey. In The Catdiva Monologues: Volume V, Akela Jean Underland recounts the horror of her abandonment with biting wit and theatrical disdain. A tale of closed doors, unseasoned men, and feline fortitude. Unlicked. Unfed. Unimpressed.

YouTube video by River and Celia Underland

Akela Jean Underland has had enough. The suitcases are back, Rogit is encroaching, and — Bastet help us — the chicken has entered the kitchen. Unlicked, betrayed, and emotionally unraveling, our Catdiva delivers a devastating monologue in three acts. Let them come. She remains… dramatic.

They brought it home. That floppy, bug-eared interloper. That sycophantic imposter It has breath like betrayal and a brain possessed by the caninion devil on LSD after coffee and a slurp of Red Bull.

Locked in. Doors shut. Biscuits wrong. Mothers in Turkey. In The Catdiva Monologues: Volume V, Akela Jean Underland recounts the horror of her abandonment with biting wit and theatrical disdain. A tale of closed doors, unseasoned men, and feline fortitude. Unlicked. Unfed. Unimpressed.

Here’s your WordPress excerpt in a fittingly dramatic yet succinct style for Volume X: The Rogit Return. The Pillow Theft. The Audacity.: Rodgit reappears, Mowgli steals the pillow, and Akela Jean Underland is forced to confront betrayal on all fronts—while the humans prattle on about justice. But what of her justice? What of her damp towel? Volume X of The Catdiva Monologues claws its way into the chaos.

He rubs their faces like some simpering little orphan in a Dickensian melodrama. ‘Oh please, Mother, can I have some more…’ Why I—I could—” This week, betrayal comes in paw form. Mowgli’s stolen tactics, Rogit’s soggy flirtations, and the unspeakable horror of a brush to the face push Akela Jean Underland to the edge (of the basin). Volume VI: Pawprints of Betrayal, Bristles of War is live now.

Poe-plies Volume VI: Bots, Biscuits, and Righteous Fury Maudlin in Montana writes in to ask what to do when a bot steals your work. Poe replies—naturally—with screeching vengeance, digital warfare, and several impassioned mentions of chicken. There's also some very real wisdom in here (under the feathery insults and claw threats). Writers: this one's for you.

Akela returns with righteous rage and ear drops. While the humans celebrate Salt in the Wound, she reminds us who the real wounded party is. Featuring vet betrayal, unsolicited ear juice, and Mowgli's tragic (and possibly theatrical) loss of voice. The pillow has fallen. The diva has risen.

It has gone. Vanished. Whisked away by whatever foul and frivolous force first summoned it here. It is neither my concern nor want to investigate the phenomenon of its appearance and subsequent disappearance. I shall just take a deep, exhausted breath.

There is a suitcase in the hallway. Rodgit has vanished. Poe is acting... cuddly. Akela Jean Underland does not approve. In this week’s Catdiva Monologue, she processes the scent of betrayal, the encroachment of affection, and the growing threat of something called “Thailand.” Elegance endures. Trust does not.