3 days till it closes
September 22, 2026 at 4:10 PM
3 days till it closes
The last thing you see before the trunk lid closes.
September 17, 2026 at 1:31 PM
The last thing you see before the trunk lid closes.
Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place https://theonion.com/health-department-closes-perfectly-good-burrito-place-1819569200/
June 15, 2026 at 2:00 PM
Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place https://theonion.com/health-department-closes-perfectly-good-burrito-place-1819569200/
that closes another Nintendo Direct with no Silksong
September 12, 2025 at 2:06 PM
that closes another Nintendo Direct with no Silksong
Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfriend Closes In On Truth
theonion.com/man-s-u...
theonion.com/man-s-u...
July 19, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfriend Closes In On Truth
theonion.com/man-s-u...
theonion.com/man-s-u...
*opens notebook: “S.I. Super Intelligence” closes notebook*
September 24, 2026 at 3:02 AM
*opens notebook: “S.I. Super Intelligence” closes notebook*
*reopens notebook: “reflecting pool vandals” closes notebook*
September 24, 2026 at 3:08 AM
*reopens notebook: “reflecting pool vandals” closes notebook*
it's a wise old saying, "when God closes a Joe Manchin, he opens a John Fetterman"
December 22, 2024 at 7:57 PM
it's a wise old saying, "when God closes a Joe Manchin, he opens a John Fetterman"
Probably right about the time the market closes on Friday 🤷♂️
April 29, 2026 at 9:07 PM
Probably right about the time the market closes on Friday 🤷♂️
*opens app*
*sees liberals versus leftists, round 1000*
*closes app*
*sees liberals versus leftists, round 1000*
*closes app*
April 19, 2025 at 11:17 PM
*opens app*
*sees liberals versus leftists, round 1000*
*closes app*
*sees liberals versus leftists, round 1000*
*closes app*
Dec 11 - closes at 44,148
Dec 12 - Trump rings bell
Dec 18 - Dow closes at 42,326
Dec 12 - Trump rings bell
Dec 18 - Dow closes at 42,326
December 19, 2024 at 12:24 PM
Dec 11 - closes at 44,148
Dec 12 - Trump rings bell
Dec 18 - Dow closes at 42,326
Dec 12 - Trump rings bell
Dec 18 - Dow closes at 42,326
“When one door closes, another opens.”
— Boeing
— Boeing
January 9, 2024 at 5:17 PM
“When one door closes, another opens.”
— Boeing
— Boeing
We’ve all been there, desperately waiting until the stock market closes to announce a really good idea
April 2, 2025 at 7:57 PM
We’ve all been there, desperately waiting until the stock market closes to announce a really good idea
> closes bluesky
> opens bluesky from muscle memory
fuck
> opens bluesky from muscle memory
fuck
September 16, 2024 at 8:20 AM
> closes bluesky
> opens bluesky from muscle memory
fuck
> opens bluesky from muscle memory
fuck
"If your country opens a Department of War and closes the Department of Education then you live in a shithole."
-𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝟿𝟾%
-𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝟿𝟾%
November 25, 2025 at 9:57 AM
"If your country opens a Department of War and closes the Department of Education then you live in a shithole."
-𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝟿𝟾%
-𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝟿𝟾%
open conversations [closes replies, disables quotes]
September 11, 2025 at 3:39 AM
open conversations [closes replies, disables quotes]
Opens bsky.
Immediately closes bsky.
yessir
Immediately closes bsky.
yessir
January 21, 2025 at 5:14 PM
Opens bsky.
Immediately closes bsky.
yessir
Immediately closes bsky.
yessir
Anyone wanna take bets on the ceasefire officially breaking down right about the time the stock market closes tomorrow?
April 9, 2026 at 10:42 PM
Anyone wanna take bets on the ceasefire officially breaking down right about the time the stock market closes tomorrow?
Broadcasting the record-setting speech from @booker.senate.gov as it closes now...
April 2, 2025 at 12:04 AM
Broadcasting the record-setting speech from @booker.senate.gov as it closes now...
this dude closes oblivion gates
May 5, 2025 at 5:00 PM
this dude closes oblivion gates
Big Lots Closes All Stores After Therapist Helps Company Work Through Hoarding Tendencies theonion.com/big-lot...
July 30, 2025 at 7:30 PM
Big Lots Closes All Stores After Therapist Helps Company Work Through Hoarding Tendencies theonion.com/big-lot...
I'm bored
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
May 6, 2026 at 11:02 AM
I'm bored
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
*Opens BlueSky*
*Closes BlueSky*
Trump economy: Cracker Barrel closes Maine location
January 23, 2025 at 12:24 PM
Trump economy: Cracker Barrel closes Maine location
it’s going to be so funny when they call the election for zohran mamdani 30 minutes after polling closes
November 1, 2025 at 12:46 AM
it’s going to be so funny when they call the election for zohran mamdani 30 minutes after polling closes
When your fav restaurant closes
We lost five guys last week!
July 16, 2026 at 1:31 AM
When your fav restaurant closes