doing exercises and cat decides to help
January 12, 2026 at 9:38 PM
doing exercises and cat decides to help
Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating
theonion.com/man-decides-...
theonion.com/man-decides-...
January 2, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating
theonion.com/man-decides-...
theonion.com/man-decides-...
Hospital Decides Cancer-Sniffing Leopard More Trouble Than It’s Worth https://theonion.com/hospital-decides-cancer-sniffing-leopard-more-trouble-than-its-worth/
March 31, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Hospital Decides Cancer-Sniffing Leopard More Trouble Than It’s Worth https://theonion.com/hospital-decides-cancer-sniffing-leopard-more-trouble-than-its-worth/
The Constitution, not the president, decides who is a citizen.
April 1, 2026 at 2:04 PM
The Constitution, not the president, decides who is a citizen.
Mittens is our oldest cat and a loner but occasionally decides she requires attention.
November 28, 2024 at 10:11 PM
Mittens is our oldest cat and a loner but occasionally decides she requires attention.
The Constitution, not the president, decides who is a citizen.
April 1, 2026 at 9:02 PM
The Constitution, not the president, decides who is a citizen.
Sometimes, a cat decides your schedule.
March 6, 2026 at 8:04 PM
Sometimes, a cat decides your schedule.
ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child
theonion.com/ice-age...
theonion.com/ice-age...
January 31, 2025 at 4:00 PM
ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child
theonion.com/ice-age...
theonion.com/ice-age...
Baloo decides when the cuddling stops.
September 28, 2025 at 6:03 PM
Baloo decides when the cuddling stops.
You do understand that everything he's doing to Washington DC is about fortifying the city when he decides he's not leaving office
September 20, 2026 at 1:13 PM
You do understand that everything he's doing to Washington DC is about fortifying the city when he decides he's not leaving office
i will become a total shill for whichever politician decides to become the joe mccarthy of rooting out silicon valley ideology and influence
February 18, 2025 at 5:41 PM
i will become a total shill for whichever politician decides to become the joe mccarthy of rooting out silicon valley ideology and influence
President of Finland Alexander Stubb speaking in Kyiv today:
▪️ It’s not Russia who decides on EU membership,its the European Union who does that
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on NATO membership,it’s the alliance itself
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on what Ukraine has by its border,when,where&how
▪️ It’s not Russia who decides on EU membership,its the European Union who does that
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on NATO membership,it’s the alliance itself
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on what Ukraine has by its border,when,where&how
February 24, 2025 at 1:57 PM
President of Finland Alexander Stubb speaking in Kyiv today:
▪️ It’s not Russia who decides on EU membership,its the European Union who does that
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on NATO membership,it’s the alliance itself
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on what Ukraine has by its border,when,where&how
▪️ It’s not Russia who decides on EU membership,its the European Union who does that
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on NATO membership,it’s the alliance itself
▪️ It’s not Russia that decides on what Ukraine has by its border,when,where&how
Nation Decides Baseball Too Fast Now https://theonion.com/nation-decides-baseball-too-fast-now/
June 29, 2026 at 3:00 PM
Nation Decides Baseball Too Fast Now https://theonion.com/nation-decides-baseball-too-fast-now/
You can’t say criminals don’t deserve due process when due process is the thing that decides if they're criminals. Otherwise you're just kidnapping people you don't like.
April 26, 2025 at 11:25 PM
You can’t say criminals don’t deserve due process when due process is the thing that decides if they're criminals. Otherwise you're just kidnapping people you don't like.
When she decides to bloom, she decides to bloom! She has never had this many blooms before and I could not be happier.
July 21, 2026 at 12:49 AM
When she decides to bloom, she decides to bloom! She has never had this many blooms before and I could not be happier.
Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy https://theonion.com/politician-with-no-better-ideas-decides-to-campaign-on-improving-the-economy/
June 11, 2026 at 3:00 PM
Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy https://theonion.com/politician-with-no-better-ideas-decides-to-campaign-on-improving-the-economy/
Gallego: "What type of man decides to walk around with a phone camera & at same time tries to make life & death decisions, then decides to pump one bullet that may have been forward-facing, but clearly the other 2 were on the side. Who is he? Clearly not someone who should be in law enforcement."
January 13, 2026 at 3:57 AM
Gallego: "What type of man decides to walk around with a phone camera & at same time tries to make life & death decisions, then decides to pump one bullet that may have been forward-facing, but clearly the other 2 were on the side. Who is he? Clearly not someone who should be in law enforcement."
Being an American feels like getting on a school bus and then your bus driver decides to do a drive by
January 3, 2026 at 2:02 PM
Being an American feels like getting on a school bus and then your bus driver decides to do a drive by
June 15, 2026 at 1:09 PM
sometimes social media decides to shoot you in the chest point blank with a rail cannon because it's funny
May 3, 2026 at 7:24 PM
sometimes social media decides to shoot you in the chest point blank with a rail cannon because it's funny
July 6, 2026 at 9:33 PM
When a federal agency tasked with protecting all Americans decides to mandate a specific religious worldview, it ceases to protect democracy and begins to threaten it.
May 18, 2026 at 2:40 AM
When a federal agency tasked with protecting all Americans decides to mandate a specific religious worldview, it ceases to protect democracy and begins to threaten it.
Uh… tv decides what American people think????
September 18, 2025 at 8:41 PM
Uh… tv decides what American people think????