#mattie
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mattielubchansky.com
crabs in a bucket | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE sitting on the floor in front of a bucket. MATTIE: Man, I put all these crabs in this bucket to watch them fight to the top for my amusement… PANEL 2: MATTIE peering in close to the bucket. One claw is raised, holding a little piece of paper folded over. MATTIE: …But it looks like they all just started trading ZINES in there! MATTIE: Kind of annoying. PANEL 3: MATTIE grabs the zine. MATTIE: Hm? PANEL 4: Close up of the zine in MATTIE's hands. The title is STEVEN, THE CRAB DIRECTLY BELOW ME, IS A PIECE OF SHIT! MATTIE: Haha okay this is pretty good
May 26, 2025 at 2:01 PM
mattielubchansky.com
here is a photo of mattie. by the way !
mattie
October 26, 2025 at 4:37 AM
mattielubchansky.com
why do i feel so bad lately | patreon.com/lubchansky
4 panel comic PANEL 1: MATTIE lying down on her couch, looking at her phone. MATTIE: Man, why do I feel so bad lately. PANEL 2: A shot of MATTIE's phone. NEWS ARTICLE: METEOR DUE TO DEMOLISH EARTH TODAY MATTIE: Oh I see. MATTIE: It's because I'm looking at my PHONE too much! PANEL 3: MATTIE, marching outside, throwing her phone over her shoulder. MATTIE: That's it! I'm gonna go OUTSIDE! PANEL 4: MATTIE looks up, shielding her eyes from something. Red light is all around her. MATTIE: I wonder what that is.
July 21, 2025 at 1:49 PM
mattielubchansky.com
happy new years from me. your friend mattie
mattie mattie. she’s tall!
December 31, 2024 at 9:46 PM
mattielubchansky.com
mattie stuns in new photos???????
mattie on roof taken by selaine lucerne / @the.filmme.fatale black and white mattie taken by selaine lucerne / @the.filmme.fatale mattie on couch taken by selaine lucerne / @the.filmme.fatale mattie again taken by selaine lucerne / @the.filmme.fatale
July 29, 2026 at 5:02 PM
mattielubchansky.com
the briny deep | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE getting her ass demolished by a wave. MATTIE: ACK! PANEL 2: MATTIE, dripping wet. MATTIE: Ah, hell. Another pair of sunglasses sacrificed to the briny deep. PANEL 3: MATTIE, imagining a crab wearing sunglasses. MATTIE: Haha… PANEL 4: MATTIE, smiling, eyes closed. Behind her, a shark breaches, its mouth full of sunglasses and human bones. MATTIE: …pretty good, maybe I'll draw it.
August 3, 2026 at 2:49 PM
mattielubchansky.com
death to america. love your friend mattie
mattie at beach
July 4, 2025 at 7:13 PM
mattielubchansky.com
ok i DO feel better | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE, falling through the air. MATTIE: Ok the giant bird that grabbed me* has now dropped me. MATTIE: One hundred percent, i am in trouble…unless. TEXT BOX: * See last week's comic, Lubchanskyheads! PANEL 2: MATTIE sticks a finger up in the air. MATTIE: Yes…Of course! MATTIE: My breathing exercises. PANEL 3: MATTIE inhales deep. MATTIE (VO): In…two three four…. MATTIE (VO): Out…two three four… PANEL 4: Wide shot again of MATTIE falling, the ground is very close. MATTIE: Yes. I feel so much better about it.
December 22, 2025 at 3:11 PM
mattielubchansky.com
biblically accurate mattie
mattie but biblically accurate in an eyeball sense
November 2, 2024 at 12:52 AM
mattielubchansky.com
my God….could it be?? the Wedding Attender??? has she returned?????
mattie in a black dress yes. that’s mattie alright.
May 9, 2026 at 7:33 PM
mattielubchansky.com
hello. it’s mattie
June 27, 2026 at 10:43 PM
ittla.bsky.social
mattie sketch from the stream
March 21, 2026 at 12:43 AM
mattielubchansky.com
AI shaming | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE is talking to a MAN as they walk on the street. The MAN is typing on his phone. MATTIE: What do you wanna do tonight? MAN: Hmm…! MAN: What…do…I…want…to…do…tonight? PANEL 2: MATTIE rolls her eyes. The phone pipes up as well. MATTIE: Are you asking a chatbot? Come on. PHONE: SEEING FRIENDS IS ALWAYS A GREAT WAY TO SEE YOUR FRIENDS. MAN: Oh, are you A.I. SHAMING ME? Wow. I didn't think you were a bigot. PANEL 3: MATTIE, arms spread wide. The MAN strokes his chin. MATTIE: What? Nobody was doing this a year ago. It's completely unnecessary! MAN: Huh, that's true. I wonder why that happened. PANEL 4: The MAN types on his phone, brow furrowed. MAN: Why…am…I…doing…this
July 28, 2025 at 2:01 PM
mattielubchansky.com
mattie stuns in new photos,
mattie in front of some trees in a gay little outfit mattie in front of some flowers in a gay little outfit mattie standing this time in front of some trees in a gay little outfit mattie upon the dang lea (gay outfit)
June 12, 2024 at 12:55 PM
mattielubchansky.com
my suffering | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE gets hit in the head with a bird. SFX: WHAP PANEL 2: a SECOND WOMAN kneels down next to MATTIE. The bird flies away. SECOND PERSON: Oh my god are you okay? PANEL 3: MATTIE, sitting up. She digs into her coat. MATTIE: Oh for sure don't worry about it MATTIE: In fact…my suffering is anecdotal! PANEL 4: MATTIE withdraws a graph and gives a thumbs up. Her head is bleeding. MATTIE: For instance: the national GDP is fine
November 18, 2024 at 3:00 PM
mattielubchansky.com
in a lot of ways, it’s mattie mwednesdy
mattie….
July 9, 2026 at 2:40 AM
mattielubchansky.com
not for me! | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: A person on the street looking at their phone. PERSON: Wow. This news is disappointing and shocking. VO: Not for me! PANEL 2: MATTIE strides into frame, pulling a rope. Shot over the PERSON's shoulder. MATTIE: My expectations were lower than yours, and I bet you feel pretty stupid. MATTIE: Me? I feel pretty smart! PANEL 3: MATTIE, standing next to a tennis umpire in a chair. The chair is on a little platform mattie was dragging behind her. MATTIE: Isn't that right, tennis umpire that I drag around behind me at all times and pay to watch my conversations and score them? PANEL 4: A TENNIS UMPIRE leans forward, speaking into a microphone in his little umpire chair. UMPIRE: Point. Mattie.
June 23, 2025 at 2:08 PM
mattielubchansky.com
clearing my thoughts | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE, huddled in the dark in a bathroom. She's staring at a glowing screen. MATTIE: It's so BAD in here. WOW. MATTIE: I'm gonna go for a walk. Clear my head. PANEL 2: MATTIE, walking in the park. MATTIE: Ahh! Much better! MATTIE: Just me and my own thoughts. PANEL 3: Closer in. MATTIE puts a finger to her lips. PANEL 4: MATTIE collapses to the ground in agony. MATTIE: Oh no…my thoughts!
January 12, 2026 at 3:07 PM
mattielubchansky.com
the way of the future | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE is looking down. A SECOND PERSON is on the ground. MATTIE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? PERSON: OH I'M MOVING AROUND LIKE A LITTLE WORM. PANEL 2: Closer in on the PERSON, who smiles beatifically. MATTIE: SEEMS UNCOMFORTABLE. PERSON: IT'S THE FUTURE! ALL THE BIG MONEY IS ON IT, MANY ARTICLES AND LEADING FIGURES ARE SAYING IT AS WELL. PERSON: WHO AM I TO ARGUE! PANEL 3: MATTIE puts a hand to her chin. MATTIE: I JUST DON'T SEE THE BENEFIT. FOR MY OWN LIFE. PERSON: YOU CAN EITHER GET WITH IT OR PERISH IN THE FUCKING DUST, OLD WOMAN. PANEL 4: The PERSON holds up their phone. On it is a photo of a tech CEO-looking guy on the ground, being interviewed by a journalist TEXT: DAVOS TEXT: CEO OF SquirmX SAYS WRITHING AROUND WILL ACCOUNT FOR 700% OF US ECONOMY WITHIN 2 MONTHS PERSON: THAT'S A DIRECT QUOTE.
August 24, 2026 at 2:06 PM
mattielubchansky.com
i'm just joking | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE is on the couch, watching TV. She looks incredibly distraught. TV: …and the shot JUST misses…. MATTIE: Ughhhh!!! Aughhh. MATTIE: I'm…… PANEL 2: MATTIE, close in. She makes two fists. MATTIE: …No. I won't say it. MATTIE: I promised I would stop saying "I'm going to kill myself" every ten seconds all day. MATTIE: Okay. PANEL 3: Same shot. She looks off to the side. PANEL 4: Over MATTIE's shoulder, she's holding up a mirror. She points at it. MATTIE: You've seen your last sunrise, old woman!
June 8, 2026 at 2:43 PM
mattielubchansky.com
how is this supposed to make me feel | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE is talking to a FRIEND. FRIEND: AND THEN I WAS LIKE, OH MY GOD! THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN GEMINI THE CAT– MATTIE: –OK. I'M REALLY SORRY. PANEL 2: MATTIE rubs her eyes. MATTIE: OUTSIDE OF YOU REFERENCING A BOOK FOR CHILDREN IN EVERYDAY ADULT LIFE, YOU HAVE TO KNOW AT THIS POINT THAT THE AUTHOR OF THE "SPOT VOYAGER: DOG ASTRONAUT" SERIES HAS BEEN USING HER WEALTH TO DESTROY LIVES. MINE, SPECIFICALLY. PANEL 3: Over the shoulder shot of MATTIE, who stares at the FRIEND, arms outstretched. From behind Mattie, two GOONS approach, wearing space helmets and big dog paws. FRIEND: YEAH, THAT'S WHY I DON'T BUY ANY OF HER STUFF. BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT BRING IT UP? THE SERIES IS BELOVED! PANEL: Same shot, MATTIE is being dragged off. The FRIEND puts a finger on his chin. FRIEND: WOW… THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ONE PART IN THE FIFTH BOOK.
July 20, 2026 at 2:03 PM
wolfafterhours.bsky.social
little cow Mattie for @graphiteknight.bsky.social
July 19, 2025 at 12:30 AM
mattielubchansky.com
your age | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: A couple YOUNG PEOPLE are talking. MATTIE is in the close foreground. P1: AND I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. PEOPLE OLDER THAN US LEFT US SUCH A HORRIBLE MESS. P2: THE WORLD IS BROKEN! PANEL 2: MATTIE wanders over. MATTIE: SOOO TRUE! WHAT ARE WE EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO? THOSE MONSTERS! P1: WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE *YOUR* AGE, ACTUALLY. PANEL 3: Close up on MATTIE. MATTIE: OH. PANEL 4: MATTIE wandering over to some new people, doing scare quotes with her hands. MATTIE: "GENERATIONS" ARE SUCH A FAKE CONCEPT WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. DON'T YOU AGREE
August 31, 2026 at 1:29 PM
graphiteknight.bsky.social
Mattie camping/hiking clothes. #paiGraph
March 2, 2026 at 7:00 PM
mattielubchansky.com
don't take the bait | patreon.com/lubchansky
PANEL 1: MATTIE is walking down the street. A WEIRD LITTLE GUY is sort of trying to tackle her. MATTIE: Unffff– VOICE OFF-PANEL: Hey! Be careful. PANEL 2: The LITTLE GUY has tackled MATTIE and is sticking his hands in her mouth and nose. The IMPORTANT PUNDIT has wandered over. PUNDIT: Whatever you do, don't take the bait. He's baiting you. MATTIE: He'f puffing hif fingerf in my MOUF and NOSHE! PANEL 3: MATTIE closes her eyes. Closer in shot. PUNDIT (OFF PANEL): Do you want to look bad in front of everyone? PANEL 4: MATTIE sitting on her couch reading a book. The guy is there, pushing against her face. TEXT: LATER
June 15, 2026 at 2:01 PM