Ryan Kallberg
@absinthetics.bsky.social
here exclusively to post bad takes on DAS BOOT
formerly: The Onion, the reality TV industry, the poker tables, the bottom of a black hole
formerly: The Onion, the reality TV industry, the poker tables, the bottom of a black hole
Pinned
Ryan Kallberg
@absinthetics.bsky.social
· Dec 25
Santa is real and always has been, you idiots. You just stopped being nice.
It's not like he didn't warn you.
It's not like he didn't warn you.
oh no I appear to have left no room for margarita mix at the top of this glass of tequila and triple sec whatever shall I do
September 16, 2026 at 4:47 AM
oh no I appear to have left no room for margarita mix at the top of this glass of tequila and triple sec whatever shall I do
if cookies and bacon for breakfast is wrong etc etc
September 13, 2026 at 8:55 PM
if cookies and bacon for breakfast is wrong etc etc
Go to the desert, they said. It cools down plenty at night, they said.
September 12, 2026 at 5:36 AM
Go to the desert, they said. It cools down plenty at night, they said.
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
Always remember that entertainment executives are the stupidest people on the planet
There are currently no active conversations for a full ‘MUPPET SHOW’ series revival.
Disney, The Muppets Studio and Point Grey Pictures have had difficulties with deciding on a premise for the series that they can all agree on.
(Source: Deadline)
Disney, The Muppets Studio and Point Grey Pictures have had difficulties with deciding on a premise for the series that they can all agree on.
(Source: Deadline)
September 10, 2026 at 8:08 PM
Always remember that entertainment executives are the stupidest people on the planet
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
I cannot believe the most antisocial, fucked up people from my freshman dorm get to decide how humanity works from here on out.
If they aren’t put in check we are all gonna die. They do not care.
If they aren’t put in check we are all gonna die. They do not care.
I went to Stanford with a lot of these assholes and am Zuckerberg’s age. Trust me when I say these are the last people on earth who should be in charge of what happens to civilization.
Whether you love or hate AI this shit needs to stop. What are we even doing
A bunch of Silicon Valley sociopaths should not get to decide the future of humanity totally unchecked.
A bunch of Silicon Valley sociopaths should not get to decide the future of humanity totally unchecked.
September 9, 2026 at 7:05 PM
I cannot believe the most antisocial, fucked up people from my freshman dorm get to decide how humanity works from here on out.
If they aren’t put in check we are all gonna die. They do not care.
If they aren’t put in check we are all gonna die. They do not care.
“2 dead at Burning Man” is the beginning of the most annoying locked-room mystery possible. www.reviewjournal.com/local/local-...
2 men reported dead at Burning Man festival
The Burning Man Project reported the death of a 60-year-old man on Saturday after reporting a man in his mid-50s died at the festival.
www.reviewjournal.com
September 7, 2026 at 6:05 PM
“2 dead at Burning Man” is the beginning of the most annoying locked-room mystery possible. www.reviewjournal.com/local/local-...
The Bad Plus is doing a farewell tour and tickets are
*chokes*
well, I guess I saw them a bunch
*chokes*
well, I guess I saw them a bunch
September 6, 2026 at 4:36 AM
The Bad Plus is doing a farewell tour and tickets are
*chokes*
well, I guess I saw them a bunch
*chokes*
well, I guess I saw them a bunch
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
this second session being impossible to schedule is the most D&D thing you could possibly imagine
‘DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 2’ isn’t fully dead yet.
• Script is complete
• Hasbro remains committed
• A new studio partner is being sought after Paramount passed for financial reasons
#DungeonsAndDragons #Hasbro
• Script is complete
• Hasbro remains committed
• A new studio partner is being sought after Paramount passed for financial reasons
#DungeonsAndDragons #Hasbro
September 4, 2026 at 4:10 PM
this second session being impossible to schedule is the most D&D thing you could possibly imagine
Apparently 25 years in Cali is enough to go native (though a 55% match doesn’t really seem all that convincing).
September 4, 2026 at 6:18 AM
Apparently 25 years in Cali is enough to go native (though a 55% match doesn’t really seem all that convincing).
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
I just donated to help SPIDER-MAN, who took on nazi scumbags trying to invade Minneapolis again. Arrested by our local cops (boooo) who were diligently defending their racist turd pals.
Let’s help good ol’ Webhead with his defense! (PS I can vouch for the GoFundMe creator) gofund.me/6f36a1ac1
Let’s help good ol’ Webhead with his defense! (PS I can vouch for the GoFundMe creator) gofund.me/6f36a1ac1
Donate to Support Spider-Man’s Legal Defense, organized by Ash Chudgar
Awesome update: I'm in touch with Spider-Man's family, and we're setting things up so t… Ash Chudgar needs your support for Support Spider-Man’s Legal Defense
gofund.me
August 23, 2026 at 8:23 PM
I just donated to help SPIDER-MAN, who took on nazi scumbags trying to invade Minneapolis again. Arrested by our local cops (boooo) who were diligently defending their racist turd pals.
Let’s help good ol’ Webhead with his defense! (PS I can vouch for the GoFundMe creator) gofund.me/6f36a1ac1
Let’s help good ol’ Webhead with his defense! (PS I can vouch for the GoFundMe creator) gofund.me/6f36a1ac1
I will never again in my life make red beans and rice this good and now I’m sad.
August 20, 2026 at 5:37 AM
I will never again in my life make red beans and rice this good and now I’m sad.
Fun fact: Facts are fun! Except for the fact that cats have barbed penises. That one’s not so fun.
August 16, 2026 at 11:51 PM
Fun fact: Facts are fun! Except for the fact that cats have barbed penises. That one’s not so fun.
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
That's why I generally vote for the furthest left candidate on my ballot - because I'm looking for the person who's gonna throw the least number of people under the bus.
And that's why I yell at whoever represents me whenever they throw anyone under the bus.
No one goes under the fucking bus.
And that's why I yell at whoever represents me whenever they throw anyone under the bus.
No one goes under the fucking bus.
August 15, 2026 at 4:48 AM
That's why I generally vote for the furthest left candidate on my ballot - because I'm looking for the person who's gonna throw the least number of people under the bus.
And that's why I yell at whoever represents me whenever they throw anyone under the bus.
No one goes under the fucking bus.
And that's why I yell at whoever represents me whenever they throw anyone under the bus.
No one goes under the fucking bus.
I have a rare night to myself which seems like the perfect time to catch up on the adventures of The Man Who Is Large At People
August 15, 2026 at 3:09 AM
I have a rare night to myself which seems like the perfect time to catch up on the adventures of The Man Who Is Large At People
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
That cardboard box in your home is fueling election denial...
A boom in profits for the shipping supply giant Uline provided the funds for a deeply conservative Midwestern family to bankroll anti-democracy causes around the country.
(Published 2022)
A boom in profits for the shipping supply giant Uline provided the funds for a deeply conservative Midwestern family to bankroll anti-democracy causes around the country.
(Published 2022)
That Cardboard Box in Your Home Is Fueling Election Denial
A previously unreported boom in profits for the shipping supply giant Uline has provided the funds for a deeply conservative Midwestern family to bankroll anti-democracy causes around the country.
www.propublica.org
August 15, 2026 at 2:55 AM
That cardboard box in your home is fueling election denial...
A boom in profits for the shipping supply giant Uline provided the funds for a deeply conservative Midwestern family to bankroll anti-democracy causes around the country.
(Published 2022)
A boom in profits for the shipping supply giant Uline provided the funds for a deeply conservative Midwestern family to bankroll anti-democracy causes around the country.
(Published 2022)
Salmonella waiting to make its move while cyclospora gets all the attention
Jurassic Park: Clever Girl!
ALT: Jurassic Park: Clever Girl!
static.klipy.com
August 11, 2026 at 12:59 AM
Salmonella waiting to make its move while cyclospora gets all the attention
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
The fifth loko
That's a weird label for a bottle of Bucky
(For those who don't know, Buckfast is blackcurrant wine that's 14.8% alcohol and has 90mg of caffeine per 5oz. This bottle is the size of a can of Coke and has 210mg of caffeine compared to 32mg in a can of Coke plus the alcohol of 4 glasses of wine)
(For those who don't know, Buckfast is blackcurrant wine that's 14.8% alcohol and has 90mg of caffeine per 5oz. This bottle is the size of a can of Coke and has 210mg of caffeine compared to 32mg in a can of Coke plus the alcohol of 4 glasses of wine)
August 10, 2026 at 11:03 AM
The fifth loko
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
It's never too late: Jack Kirby didn't create the Fantastic Four until he was 42.
But he did create Captain America when he was 23. So maybe you're way behind.
Way, way behind.
But he did create Captain America when he was 23. So maybe you're way behind.
Way, way behind.
August 8, 2026 at 7:44 PM
It's never too late: Jack Kirby didn't create the Fantastic Four until he was 42.
But he did create Captain America when he was 23. So maybe you're way behind.
Way, way behind.
But he did create Captain America when he was 23. So maybe you're way behind.
Way, way behind.
Myth: Artificial intelligence will quickly bootstrap itself into a humanity-destroying super-genius singularity
Reality: AI will accidentally boil us alive while insisting that 2 + 4 = strawberry
Reality: AI will accidentally boil us alive while insisting that 2 + 4 = strawberry
August 8, 2026 at 10:33 AM
Myth: Artificial intelligence will quickly bootstrap itself into a humanity-destroying super-genius singularity
Reality: AI will accidentally boil us alive while insisting that 2 + 4 = strawberry
Reality: AI will accidentally boil us alive while insisting that 2 + 4 = strawberry
tbh at this point I would consider “so much nudity” a selling point in what passes for romantic comedy
‘ONE NIGHT ONLY’ director Will Gluck says they cut out “so much nudity” from the film because he thinks audiences dislike sex on screen.
“Whenever people now see nudity or very adult situations in a big theater, they get uncomfortable.”
(Source: variety.com/2026/film/fe...)
“Whenever people now see nudity or very adult situations in a big theater, they get uncomfortable.”
(Source: variety.com/2026/film/fe...)
August 8, 2026 at 3:51 AM
tbh at this point I would consider “so much nudity” a selling point in what passes for romantic comedy
I’m at the robot apocalypse. I’m at the superflu apocalypse. I’m at the combination robot and superflu apocalypse.
Breaking News: Scientists have used A.I. to create new viruses for the first time, raising hopes for medical advances while also raising the possibility that the technology could someday be used to invent dangerous pathogens.
This A.I. Just Created Viruses Not Found in Nature
Scientists trained artificial intelligence on libraries of DNA and then asked the model to create recipes for viral genomes. Sixteen of them were viable, yielding new viruses.
nyti.ms
August 6, 2026 at 7:06 PM
I’m at the robot apocalypse. I’m at the superflu apocalypse. I’m at the combination robot and superflu apocalypse.
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
A dentist, but still.
After I had my wisdom teeth removed, he warned me against ‘kissing girls’, because I had two open wounds in my mouth.
He then lowered his voice and murmured ‘you can still screw ‘em, though.’
After I had my wisdom teeth removed, he warned me against ‘kissing girls’, because I had two open wounds in my mouth.
He then lowered his voice and murmured ‘you can still screw ‘em, though.’
A question from Reddit that I'll answer here:
"What's the most unhinged thing a doctor has said to you with a straight face?"
"What's the most unhinged thing a doctor has said to you with a straight face?"
August 6, 2026 at 9:49 AM
A dentist, but still.
After I had my wisdom teeth removed, he warned me against ‘kissing girls’, because I had two open wounds in my mouth.
He then lowered his voice and murmured ‘you can still screw ‘em, though.’
After I had my wisdom teeth removed, he warned me against ‘kissing girls’, because I had two open wounds in my mouth.
He then lowered his voice and murmured ‘you can still screw ‘em, though.’
I’ve tried to retain some respect for Eli Roth - THANSKGIVING quite amused me - but I’m hearing that ICE CREAM MAN contains AI-generated sequences so fuuuuuuuck hiiiiiiiiim
August 4, 2026 at 9:49 PM
I’ve tried to retain some respect for Eli Roth - THANSKGIVING quite amused me - but I’m hearing that ICE CREAM MAN contains AI-generated sequences so fuuuuuuuck hiiiiiiiiim
Reposted by Ryan Kallberg
A friend of mine is trying to raise money to keep his dad in memory care. I know these kinds of things are always going around but if you can help at all I know he'd appreciate it. We've known each other 26 years, so I can promise you this is legit.
Donate to Help Dennis Stay in Memory Care, organized by Shawn Dyer
Dennis Dyer, my father, is facing late stage Alzheimer's disease. What this means is that h… Shawn Dyer needs your support for Help Dennis Stay in Memory Care
gofund.me
August 4, 2026 at 3:39 AM
A friend of mine is trying to raise money to keep his dad in memory care. I know these kinds of things are always going around but if you can help at all I know he'd appreciate it. We've known each other 26 years, so I can promise you this is legit.