and i feel bad just. being a human being so incapable of being around other human beings. in general when i’m walking around too. i just keep wishing other people weren’t there. i feel so deeply uncomfortable being in the presence of others. i feel so broken!!!

and like i know that’s literally my diagnosis of selective mutism when i’m unable to talk and engage & there’s not much i can do about that. but i still feel guilty that i act so rejecting when people are just trying to be friendly towards me

then i got the hell out of there because people kept talking to me. but i feel like i have such a severe inability to deal with people and talk to them and i can’t engage at all i can’t pretend to be friendly and i can’t relate. i just hope they stop talking to me as quickly as possible

but i like some of the aesthetic from it i don’t talk about how much i dislike the movie in the tags i just reblog it and keep that to myself because why the fuck does it matttteeerrrrr i’m annoyed

i should be going to bed too but now i’m scared to make more noise……

i’m just scared they’re gonna be mad at me and they secretly hate me and any time i do something annoying they’re closer to like. idk. kicking me out or something idfk. im just always assuming everyones at their last straw with me or that everyone’s about to be mad at me or i’m doing something wrong

i’m always so scared of like. being noisy and annoying. and that was probably noisy and annoying. ugh :I

anything else. because i’m broken. permanently. and life is torture. etc. uwu <3

being like this does of course make life awesome in other ways as well 😸 i’m just upset that i’m too scared to tell my doctor i’m trans and that’s why i want to get rid of my periods. and maybe something like getting a hysterectomy would be easier then. but i can’t tell him or anyone that or

as a child. so even as a 29 year old you’re terrified of sharing who you are with other people and expressing your emotions and asking for things you need or want ❤️

to cause i was really distracted the first time and i felt like i wasn’t able to really enjoy myself and absorb the movie :/ like sitting inbetween my mom and brother was distracting me a lot and i wasn’t able to sit very comfortably i had too little space for my arms -.-.-.-..-.-.-.-

my tummy suddenly was like "anxiety!!! you’re anxious!!! you can’t do this!!!!" right when i had to decide whether or not to get ready and leave -_-

i’m gonna try seeing it tomorrow though….. or maybe it’s just not meant to happen. i’m not like super excited to see it again i just feel like i need

blah it’s 4 am now i wrote something really long but i never feel like i’m able to express what i’m actually thinking and feeling. i really need to sleep -_-

all i’m doing is isolating myself and doing nothing all day. being too tired and unmotivated to cook or clean or shower. going out in public and just feeling awful that there’s people around me. i’m not finding other ways to heal or cope with my mental illness. i’m just succumbing to it

absolutely nothing to try to change it. but i’ve tried so many times and it’s never worked and that’s why i’m not in therapy anymore. but shouldn’t i try again and again until i find something that works for me?? maybe not?? but it’s not like i’m finding good ways to deal with it without therapy

UGH i bet it’s really pretty outside too the sun is setting in 1 1/2 hours and i love the look of the warm light on all the buildings. but i’m so tired. but maybe i can do this. idk ahhh. me putting pressure on myself because it’s the last day i can photograph for a while is not helping either -_-

my sleep though. he commented on that both in 2019 and this year. like it sounds like i’m crying or whining or something in my sleep. so i’m guessing i don’t have sleep apnea. but who knows. ugh