i have my simple joys that i hold very dear to my heart, and those are what keep me going

i dont know... i think i just feel really jaded lately. ive been met with so many disappointments in my life that my patience for anything that isnt "safe" is next to zero.

its humiliating to be so sheltered that for a long time i didnt know how to take care of myself, and even if i know how to rn, it doesnt negate the fact that i needed him at a time where i was a lot more vulnerable

y'know. thats my father. i think my heart just hurts because i spent two years begging him to help me make these appointments, and every time the excuse i was given was "fuck, sorry. i forgot. i'll call in for you this friday." and then that day comes, i address it, and its the same apology.

he doesnt even really talk to me when im there so whats the fucking point. i starve, freeze, and just. stay struggling when im there lol. he clearly doesnt care to listen to whatever i want to say whenever i do wanna talk to him and give him updates on how things are going, since..

whatever whatever whatever im gonna turn my music on, paint my nails, cry to stuff i make up in my head, and then feel better

truth be told, while writing this i totally forgot what my thoughts even were lol. i think im just bottled up. why cant i be happy forever!! this is stupid

its annoying more than anything else. times like this is when i dont even know what im depressed about... i dont even think theres anything to feel ill about, other than the usual. it's never anything new with me

i dunno . im mega salty like dude u didnt wanna have a say in my life when i needed it!!!!!!!!!

its rough when people are so one track minded with your own issues, its because of my own efforts that im even getting medical attention in the first place. i filled out my own paperwork, i filed for my own insurance, finally taking care of myself and now shes angry that im not.. doing enough ?

reaching out an actual helping hand like parents are supposed to do 🫩 i love it when she calls but damn dude, this one ended with me being more taken aback than anything... it was so awkward.

i understand where shes coming from, its unhealthy for someone to live the way i do but thats /because/ im unhealthy. like. on my worst days im literally bed ridden. girl i can only do so much😭 and what good is it gonna do to tell me to just Get better and do better instead of-

she tells me i need to get out more, and do what exactly? what business is it to her when i havent lived with her since i graduated high school?? why should i be the one punished when its because of her that im held back so much?

how i wont amount to anything and topped it off with a "oh, hbd btw" siggh. why does everything suddenly feel all the more humiliating now that im turning 20? its like becoming 18 all over again and everyones just cracking down on how normal people my age are out and about doing . whatever.

2026 was created to take me off of the map🫩 woke up today and it hurts to close my jaw the full way, so i can barely eat.. im so frustrated and the more i have to think about it the more helpless i feel. why is there so much wrong all at once