Epilogue, he was fine, no one noticed or cared, nothing happened. Just one of life’s little pointless moments. Still makes me laugh, though.

Never be afraid to have fun with your friends, folks.

“NOOO! DON’T! THEY’LL KNOW!!!”

And he has a spasm and literally throws the phone at me while he’s collapsing. I manage to catch it and answer politely and hang up as soon as I can because I think my funny joke might have killed my still-bugging friend.

Totally ordinary, normal thing that happens at a retail business all day long. And my friend, acting all casual, because he’s maintaining really well, goes to answer the phone just like a human would, I turn to him and scream-whisper:

So we get to work, get behind the counter, everything’s going along as normal. I’m fine, but my buddy’s pupils look like fucking dinner plates. It’s outrageous. Most people wouldn’t know the difference, but I sure do. And then the phone rings.

I assured him it was cool, everything was fine, we’d both been down this road before, just do what you usually do on any other day and I’ll keep an eye out if you start acting weird and everything will be fine. Good friend move, overall, I’d say.

One afternoon I swung by to pick him up and he sincerely confided in me on the way to work that he had done FAR too much acid the night before and was still very, very high.

So many years ago I worked at a liquor store. One of my friends worked there too and didn’t have a car so I’d usually pick him up on my way in if we were working the same shift.

We had this “couch” growing up that looked like it belonged in a fucking medieval torture chamber. Just hardwood and barely cushioned springs under pleather upholstery, it was IMPOSSIBLE to sit on comfortably and the only way you could sleep on it is if you were blind drunk. Why did we have that

And others… what can you do, right?

It’s a masterpiece. You won’t be disappointed.

Unless… they have That Good Hot For Tum-Tum ON the moon and that’s what we’ve been looking for this whole time?

Someone go check Buzz Aldrin’s gut health ASAP. We NEED this information

In a perfect world I’d be with you because yes, the hotter the better, but the ice helps my sensitive tum-tum. From a flavor and overall experience point of view you’re unequivocally right, I just… ow. Ulcers and stuff. Sometimes ice is nice.

Rocky Rococo’s has never done me wrong in that regard so yes, I am with you.

Hey don’t tell anyone I said this bc I was born in Wisconsin and they will straight up lynch me but I actually agree with you. I need to clarify, I love a LOT of cheese on pizza but good lord folks there’s a limit. There are supposed to be other ingredients too for f’s sake