Chris Patterson
@chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Playwright and Screenwriter. Semi-retired Actor. Satirist. Harlem, NYC
Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
Pinned
"Writing is not a real job!"
Me: "You like reading books though?"
"Yes, That is correct."
Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"
#PeaceAndQuiet2026
Me: "You like reading books though?"
"Yes, That is correct."
Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"
#PeaceAndQuiet2026
"Some things hurt more, much more than cars and girls..."
✌🏾
✌🏾
September 1, 2026 at 1:43 PM
"Some things hurt more, much more than cars and girls..."
✌🏾
✌🏾
See you soon.
I'm going away for a month or two.
I'll see you on the other side, my degenerates... ✌🏾&❤️
I'm going away for a month or two.
I'll see you on the other side, my degenerates... ✌🏾&❤️
August 31, 2026 at 7:50 PM
See you soon.
I'm going away for a month or two.
I'll see you on the other side, my degenerates... ✌🏾&❤️
I'm going away for a month or two.
I'll see you on the other side, my degenerates... ✌🏾&❤️
August 30, 2026 at 2:01 PM
I'm going back to my favorite theatre company.
Why?
Because I helped build it... ❤️
Why?
Because I helped build it... ❤️
August 30, 2026 at 1:55 PM
I'm going back to my favorite theatre company.
Why?
Because I helped build it... ❤️
Why?
Because I helped build it... ❤️
August 30, 2026 at 1:45 PM
"She's just a devil woman, with evil on her mind! Beware the devil woman, she's gonna get you from behind!"
GTA VI - "Devil Woman" - Cliff Richard
YouTube video by RockStar Games Music
youtu.be
August 29, 2026 at 3:01 PM
"She's just a devil woman, with evil on her mind! Beware the devil woman, she's gonna get you from behind!"
"Yo! Crackheads! Woo!"
Grand Theft Auto VI: An Extended Look
YouTube video by Rockstar Games
youtu.be
August 29, 2026 at 12:54 PM
"Yo! Crackheads! Woo!"
"With great power comes great responsibility. Remember that, Pete. Remember that..."
August 24, 2026 at 2:36 PM
"With great power comes great responsibility. Remember that, Pete. Remember that..."
I'll see you degenerates on Friday.
May God be with you.
Spoiler alert: "I don't believe in God. We're all gonna die."
Peace! ✌🏾
May God be with you.
Spoiler alert: "I don't believe in God. We're all gonna die."
Peace! ✌🏾
August 24, 2026 at 1:48 PM
I'll see you degenerates on Friday.
May God be with you.
Spoiler alert: "I don't believe in God. We're all gonna die."
Peace! ✌🏾
May God be with you.
Spoiler alert: "I don't believe in God. We're all gonna die."
Peace! ✌🏾
Listen- Listen, come here. I'm only going to say this once.
Girl, I am hungover. I am hungry. I am tired. I have to go to therapy and I just want to sleep. I think...
Should I let this one go? Can't this be someone else's problem?
No. Peter Parker wouldn't give up.
Neither can I...
Girl, I am hungover. I am hungry. I am tired. I have to go to therapy and I just want to sleep. I think...
Should I let this one go? Can't this be someone else's problem?
No. Peter Parker wouldn't give up.
Neither can I...
August 24, 2026 at 1:45 PM
Listen- Listen, come here. I'm only going to say this once.
Girl, I am hungover. I am hungry. I am tired. I have to go to therapy and I just want to sleep. I think...
Should I let this one go? Can't this be someone else's problem?
No. Peter Parker wouldn't give up.
Neither can I...
Girl, I am hungover. I am hungry. I am tired. I have to go to therapy and I just want to sleep. I think...
Should I let this one go? Can't this be someone else's problem?
No. Peter Parker wouldn't give up.
Neither can I...
Anyway! That's my rant.
I'll see you all in a week.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Hahahaha-
No, seriously. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
Ok, BUH BYEEEE!!!
I'll see you all in a week.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Hahahaha-
No, seriously. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
Ok, BUH BYEEEE!!!
August 24, 2026 at 1:04 AM
Anyway! That's my rant.
I'll see you all in a week.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Hahahaha-
No, seriously. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
Ok, BUH BYEEEE!!!
I'll see you all in a week.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Hahahaha-
No, seriously. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
Ok, BUH BYEEEE!!!
"I NEED sex scenes in movies."
You're a (bleeping) freak.
Just say you're horny and move on...
You're a (bleeping) freak.
Just say you're horny and move on...
August 24, 2026 at 12:50 AM
"I NEED sex scenes in movies."
You're a (bleeping) freak.
Just say you're horny and move on...
You're a (bleeping) freak.
Just say you're horny and move on...
Why am I ranting about this? I'll tell you why. Because when I write a sex scene in a script, it's always filmed at other objects in the room.
I do not want to see my actors naked. I don't ever want to see my actors naked.
What the hell is wrong with these people who NEED sex scenes? Tf?
I do not want to see my actors naked. I don't ever want to see my actors naked.
What the hell is wrong with these people who NEED sex scenes? Tf?
August 24, 2026 at 12:45 AM
Why am I ranting about this? I'll tell you why. Because when I write a sex scene in a script, it's always filmed at other objects in the room.
I do not want to see my actors naked. I don't ever want to see my actors naked.
What the hell is wrong with these people who NEED sex scenes? Tf?
I do not want to see my actors naked. I don't ever want to see my actors naked.
What the hell is wrong with these people who NEED sex scenes? Tf?
I just want to watch ONE movie with my friends and family without seeing an actress getting railed by another actor who is most likely not even Heterosexual.
I'm not asking for too much here. Spiderman can't be all I have to cling onto, man.
I'm almost 35!
I'm not asking for too much here. Spiderman can't be all I have to cling onto, man.
I'm almost 35!
August 24, 2026 at 12:41 AM
I just want to watch ONE movie with my friends and family without seeing an actress getting railed by another actor who is most likely not even Heterosexual.
I'm not asking for too much here. Spiderman can't be all I have to cling onto, man.
I'm almost 35!
I'm not asking for too much here. Spiderman can't be all I have to cling onto, man.
I'm almost 35!
I haven't watched a movie with my mother since Oppenheimer came out. You know why?
Because there's only one sex scene in that movie.
Stop making me see actors naked, Hollywood.
I don't KNOW these people!
Because there's only one sex scene in that movie.
Stop making me see actors naked, Hollywood.
I don't KNOW these people!
August 24, 2026 at 12:34 AM
I haven't watched a movie with my mother since Oppenheimer came out. You know why?
Because there's only one sex scene in that movie.
Stop making me see actors naked, Hollywood.
I don't KNOW these people!
Because there's only one sex scene in that movie.
Stop making me see actors naked, Hollywood.
I don't KNOW these people!
Look, I'm sorry. But that movie sucked. Ok?
I just want one movie without sex scenes in it.
Is that too much to ask?
I just want one movie without sex scenes in it.
Is that too much to ask?
August 24, 2026 at 12:31 AM
Look, I'm sorry. But that movie sucked. Ok?
I just want one movie without sex scenes in it.
Is that too much to ask?
I just want one movie without sex scenes in it.
Is that too much to ask?
"The movie Obsession is a litmus test for terrible people."
Me: "If you sided with Bear BEFORE the movie started, you were already a terrible person."
"What DO you like about modern films?"
Me: "I like Goodfellas. That is my answer to that question."
"Prick..."
Me: "If you sided with Bear BEFORE the movie started, you were already a terrible person."
"What DO you like about modern films?"
Me: "I like Goodfellas. That is my answer to that question."
"Prick..."
August 24, 2026 at 12:29 AM
"The movie Obsession is a litmus test for terrible people."
Me: "If you sided with Bear BEFORE the movie started, you were already a terrible person."
"What DO you like about modern films?"
Me: "I like Goodfellas. That is my answer to that question."
"Prick..."
Me: "If you sided with Bear BEFORE the movie started, you were already a terrible person."
"What DO you like about modern films?"
Me: "I like Goodfellas. That is my answer to that question."
"Prick..."
Since we're all gonna die, there is one more secret I feel I have to share with you.
I did not care for "Obsession"
"How are you going to say you didn't like it? You haven't even seen it yet!"
Because people can't stop spoiling movies on the Internet, Stewie. That's why...
I did not care for "Obsession"
"How are you going to say you didn't like it? You haven't even seen it yet!"
Because people can't stop spoiling movies on the Internet, Stewie. That's why...
August 24, 2026 at 12:25 AM
Since we're all gonna die, there is one more secret I feel I have to share with you.
I did not care for "Obsession"
"How are you going to say you didn't like it? You haven't even seen it yet!"
Because people can't stop spoiling movies on the Internet, Stewie. That's why...
I did not care for "Obsession"
"How are you going to say you didn't like it? You haven't even seen it yet!"
Because people can't stop spoiling movies on the Internet, Stewie. That's why...
Can't talk.
Playing Pokemon for the next three days.
Cheryl will be taking my messages as she paints her toes at her desk... 🤘🏾
Playing Pokemon for the next three days.
Cheryl will be taking my messages as she paints her toes at her desk... 🤘🏾
August 21, 2026 at 6:47 AM
Can't talk.
Playing Pokemon for the next three days.
Cheryl will be taking my messages as she paints her toes at her desk... 🤘🏾
Playing Pokemon for the next three days.
Cheryl will be taking my messages as she paints her toes at her desk... 🤘🏾
I find it hilarious that as soon as drag queen story hour ended, reading scores went down nationwide.
Yea...
It's almost as if they were never the problem to begin with.
Gee, I'm sorry. Geez! *Mr. Garrison voice*
Yea...
It's almost as if they were never the problem to begin with.
Gee, I'm sorry. Geez! *Mr. Garrison voice*
August 20, 2026 at 3:47 PM
I find it hilarious that as soon as drag queen story hour ended, reading scores went down nationwide.
Yea...
It's almost as if they were never the problem to begin with.
Gee, I'm sorry. Geez! *Mr. Garrison voice*
Yea...
It's almost as if they were never the problem to begin with.
Gee, I'm sorry. Geez! *Mr. Garrison voice*
Goodnight, my degenerates. 💕
Goodnight, Shadow. 💔
I miss you very much...
Goodnight, Shadow. 💔
I miss you very much...
August 19, 2026 at 3:31 AM
Goodnight, my degenerates. 💕
Goodnight, Shadow. 💔
I miss you very much...
Goodnight, Shadow. 💔
I miss you very much...
Five months.
That's how long it's been since my beloved cat passed away.
It sucks. But I can still see her being goofy and demanding treats... 💕
That's how long it's been since my beloved cat passed away.
It sucks. But I can still see her being goofy and demanding treats... 💕
August 19, 2026 at 1:31 AM
Five months.
That's how long it's been since my beloved cat passed away.
It sucks. But I can still see her being goofy and demanding treats... 💕
That's how long it's been since my beloved cat passed away.
It sucks. But I can still see her being goofy and demanding treats... 💕
Free hit.
If you see this post, you can ask me any question you'd like.
KEEP IT PG, YOU DEGENERATES!
If you see this post, you can ask me any question you'd like.
KEEP IT PG, YOU DEGENERATES!
August 18, 2026 at 5:46 AM
Free hit.
If you see this post, you can ask me any question you'd like.
KEEP IT PG, YOU DEGENERATES!
If you see this post, you can ask me any question you'd like.
KEEP IT PG, YOU DEGENERATES!
RIP, Hayden Panttiere... 💔
August 17, 2026 at 3:52 PM
RIP, Hayden Panttiere... 💔
RIP Hayden Panttiere... 💔
August 17, 2026 at 6:28 AM
RIP Hayden Panttiere... 💔