[youth pastor voice] you know who else had his redcard reversed on appeal

olive garden server: ground pepper on your farfalle sir?

me: *shakes head* no i’m not about that life

[man on the street corner playing the accordion for money]

me: *slips him a $10* the usual please

[he stops playing for a while]

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

Co-pilot: that was our third pass. When are you going to land?
Dog Pilot: just need to circle a few more times before I lay her down

BOSS: is your makeup tattooed on?

ME: yeah it's exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

bambi: hey where’s mom

dad: she’s in a better place

bambi: where though

dad: *places reassuring hoof on bambi’s shoulder* venice, son

[common fracture patterns]

tarsal: breaks laterally
metatarsal: breaks fourth wall

SATAN: as you know, profits in our kazoo division are down three years running and we’re thinking of cutting production *breaks into smile* haha jk we fucken love kazoos down here right guys

HELL BOARD MEMBERS: *excited kazoo noises*