The Nobel Prize committee should announce the World Cup winner tomorrow
December 6, 2025 at 4:29 AM
The Nobel Prize committee should announce the World Cup winner tomorrow
I am pleased to announce another no-talent year!
December 8, 2025 at 10:38 PM
I am pleased to announce another no-talent year!
Man City announce new shirt sponsor.
September 25, 2026 at 3:17 PM
Man City announce new shirt sponsor.
pleased to announce the Winner of Bluesky
July 31, 2026 at 2:35 PM
pleased to announce the Winner of Bluesky
Scientists Announce Earth’s Sewage No Longer Drinkable
theonion.com/scientists-a...
theonion.com/scientists-a...
November 19, 2024 at 4:14 PM
Scientists Announce Earth’s Sewage No Longer Drinkable
theonion.com/scientists-a...
theonion.com/scientists-a...
Using a loudspeaker to announce ICE ✊🏽
July 20, 2025 at 1:17 AM
Using a loudspeaker to announce ICE ✊🏽
How long until they announce Don Jr. as the head of the DEA
November 14, 2024 at 12:31 PM
How long until they announce Don Jr. as the head of the DEA
AOC should announce a primary against Schumer tonight.
March 13, 2025 at 10:14 PM
AOC should announce a primary against Schumer tonight.
We are thrilled to announce that our NEW Large Language Model will be released on 11.18.25.
October 1, 2025 at 2:38 PM
We are thrilled to announce that our NEW Large Language Model will be released on 11.18.25.
Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams https://theonion.com/biologists-announce-there-absolutely-nothing-we-can-learn-from-clams/
September 16, 2026 at 4:30 PM
Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams https://theonion.com/biologists-announce-there-absolutely-nothing-we-can-learn-from-clams/
Marc Elias is so undefeated that the ready to rumble guy should announce his television appearances.
🚨BREAKING: Federal Court REJECTS lawsuit seeking to compel Vermont to provide the DOJ with access to its complete statewide voter registration database. Another victory for Elias Law Group and our clients.
DOJ is now 0-24. ELG is undefeated. www.democracydocket.com/cases/vermon...
DOJ is now 0-24. ELG is undefeated. www.democracydocket.com/cases/vermon...
🚨 United States of America v. Hanzas
Learn more here.
www.democracydocket.com
September 17, 2026 at 9:04 PM
Marc Elias is so undefeated that the ready to rumble guy should announce his television appearances.
Washington Wizards Announce Founding Wizard Dead At 682 https://theonion.com/washington-wizards-announce-founding-wizard-dead-at-682/
June 30, 2026 at 3:06 PM
Washington Wizards Announce Founding Wizard Dead At 682 https://theonion.com/washington-wizards-announce-founding-wizard-dead-at-682/
January 24, 2025 at 3:00 PM
French prosecutors announce special team to review Epstein files
February 15, 2026 at 5:15 PM
French prosecutors announce special team to review Epstein files
Delighted to announce:
Cynthia Erivo and Michael Bay are holding space for an Adrian Tchaikovsky feature adaptation, and no it isn't the Space Spiders:
reactormag.com/cynthia-eriv...
reactormag.com/cynthia-eriv...
Cynthia Erivo & Michael Bay to Adapt Adrian Tchaikovsky’s Saturation Point - Reactor
Universal Pictures will be adapting the novella from The Children of Time author.
reactormag.com
June 30, 2025 at 9:14 PM
Delighted to announce:
Excited to announce that I have de-extincted the Dire Doodle.
April 9, 2025 at 6:39 PM
Excited to announce that I have de-extincted the Dire Doodle.
Nation’s Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country https://theonion.com/nations-quiet-gangly-kids-in-cargo-pants-announce-plans-to-be-freakishly-good-at-cross-country/
August 31, 2026 at 3:00 PM
Nation’s Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country https://theonion.com/nations-quiet-gangly-kids-in-cargo-pants-announce-plans-to-be-freakishly-good-at-cross-country/
Republicans in Congress get very brave after they announce their retirement.
January 31, 2026 at 11:55 AM
Republicans in Congress get very brave after they announce their retirement.
Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams https://theonion.com/biologists-announce-there-absolutely-nothing-we-can-learn-from-clams/
October 16, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams https://theonion.com/biologists-announce-there-absolutely-nothing-we-can-learn-from-clams/
He’s going to announce Iran strikes during SOTU, isn’t he
February 24, 2026 at 6:41 PM
He’s going to announce Iran strikes during SOTU, isn’t he
*NY ACCUSES POLYMARKET OF RUNNING ILLEGAL GAMBLING OPERATION
*NY GOV. HOCHUL, AG JAMES ANNOUNCE POLYMARKET SUIT IN STATEMENT
*NY GOV. HOCHUL, AG JAMES ANNOUNCE POLYMARKET SUIT IN STATEMENT
September 24, 2026 at 2:21 PM
*NY ACCUSES POLYMARKET OF RUNNING ILLEGAL GAMBLING OPERATION
*NY GOV. HOCHUL, AG JAMES ANNOUNCE POLYMARKET SUIT IN STATEMENT
*NY GOV. HOCHUL, AG JAMES ANNOUNCE POLYMARKET SUIT IN STATEMENT
Bob Uecker passed away, the Brewers announce.
January 16, 2025 at 3:48 PM
Bob Uecker passed away, the Brewers announce.
When your massive ego gets you to announce something a more careful person would have kept quiet.
June 5, 2025 at 6:20 PM
When your massive ego gets you to announce something a more careful person would have kept quiet.
Source: Pete Hegseth is about to announce his resignation via Signal group chat.
April 21, 2025 at 7:46 PM
Source: Pete Hegseth is about to announce his resignation via Signal group chat.