“They assured us yesterday that they were not doing that." bsky.app/profile/atru...
UN Ambassador to China David Perdue claims China pinky swore to Trump that they will stop helping Iran kill US troops
September 25, 2026 at 2:52 PM
“They assured us yesterday that they were not doing that." bsky.app/profile/atru...
Mutually assured destruction
February 4, 2025 at 3:32 PM
Mutually assured destruction
We are now assured that ICE will not be at World Cup games.
From the same administration that assured us that it would release the Epstein files, get prices under control, and would not start any wars.
From the same administration that assured us that it would release the Epstein files, get prices under control, and would not start any wars.
May 12, 2026 at 11:37 PM
We are now assured that ICE will not be at World Cup games.
From the same administration that assured us that it would release the Epstein files, get prices under control, and would not start any wars.
From the same administration that assured us that it would release the Epstein files, get prices under control, and would not start any wars.
bro waited until the film was out and his check was assured. god bless him
Charlie Day, who plays Luigi in the Mario movies, shouts out alleged United Healthcare CEO killer Luigi Mangione
aftermath.site/charlie-day-ma...
aftermath.site/charlie-day-ma...
April 3, 2026 at 3:05 AM
bro waited until the film was out and his check was assured. god bless him
November 19, 2024 at 3:50 AM
"The criminals assured us there was no crime."
August 6, 2025 at 6:09 PM
"The criminals assured us there was no crime."
mutually assured destruction and chill?
September 25, 2026 at 12:51 AM
mutually assured destruction and chill?
the brand’s safety has never been more assured
May 10, 2025 at 11:27 PM
the brand’s safety has never been more assured
The outcome isn’t inevitable but it’s not at all assured.
February 14, 2025 at 11:17 AM
The outcome isn’t inevitable but it’s not at all assured.
Man Assured Friend’s Tap Water Always Looks Like That theonion.com/man-ass...
July 24, 2025 at 2:00 PM
Man Assured Friend’s Tap Water Always Looks Like That theonion.com/man-ass...
I was assured that people only voted for him because of inflation
Now he wants Greenland too.
So Annex Greenland & Canada… Invade Mexico… Steal the Panama Canal...
Imagine the reaction if any other world leader was regularly saying belligerent stuff like this.
So Annex Greenland & Canada… Invade Mexico… Steal the Panama Canal...
Imagine the reaction if any other world leader was regularly saying belligerent stuff like this.
December 26, 2024 at 2:06 AM
I was assured that people only voted for him because of inflation
Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games https://theonion.com/cam-skattebo-assured-hell-only-be-missing-giants-games/
October 31, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games https://theonion.com/cam-skattebo-assured-hell-only-be-missing-giants-games/
Mutually Assured Destruction?
June 5, 2025 at 7:30 PM
Mutually Assured Destruction?
Weird to see chants of “USA! USA!” at these rallies that I was assured were “Hate America” rallies.
October 18, 2025 at 3:43 PM
Weird to see chants of “USA! USA!” at these rallies that I was assured were “Hate America” rallies.
Mutual Assured Democracy.
February 7, 2026 at 3:16 PM
Mutual Assured Democracy.
HEGSETH YOU STUPID FUCK THEY'RE NOT RUNNING OUT OF BALLISTIC MISSILES
YOU ASSURED ME WE HAD ENOUGH PAC-3 INTERCEPTORS HEGSETH. I WAS ASSURED OF THIS
YOU ASSURED ME WE HAD ENOUGH PAC-3 INTERCEPTORS HEGSETH. I WAS ASSURED OF THIS
July 30, 2026 at 2:56 AM
HEGSETH YOU STUPID FUCK THEY'RE NOT RUNNING OUT OF BALLISTIC MISSILES
YOU ASSURED ME WE HAD ENOUGH PAC-3 INTERCEPTORS HEGSETH. I WAS ASSURED OF THIS
YOU ASSURED ME WE HAD ENOUGH PAC-3 INTERCEPTORS HEGSETH. I WAS ASSURED OF THIS
Every fucking MAGA cultist who fucking assured me that Trump had no fucking plans whatsoever to implement fucking Project 2025 can go fuck themselves.
January 24, 2025 at 2:54 PM
Every fucking MAGA cultist who fucking assured me that Trump had no fucking plans whatsoever to implement fucking Project 2025 can go fuck themselves.
Leavitt: "Rest assured, there is a plan"
March 18, 2026 at 1:28 PM
Leavitt: "Rest assured, there is a plan"
Republicans in Congress assured us that Trump was only joking about this.
April 2, 2025 at 1:14 AM
Republicans in Congress assured us that Trump was only joking about this.
excuse me i was assured this wasn't the case
The cost of groceries and shelter have both risen by over 30% since 2020.
www.cnbc.com/2026/02/18/b...
www.cnbc.com/2026/02/18/b...
The 'boomcession': Why Americans feel left behind by a growing economy
A combination of the words "boom" and "recession" can help explain why Americans feel so sour about a growing economy.
www.cnbc.com
February 18, 2026 at 3:48 PM
excuse me i was assured this wasn't the case
But they assured me that cats are "less needy."
March 6, 2026 at 3:38 PM
But they assured me that cats are "less needy."
Wait. I was assured this was new.
August 2, 2025 at 10:08 PM
Wait. I was assured this was new.
Your billionaire oligarch overlords are experiencing fear for the first time in their lives.
Rest assured, they are plotting their revenge.
Rest assured, they are plotting their revenge.
December 6, 2024 at 10:16 PM
Your billionaire oligarch overlords are experiencing fear for the first time in their lives.
Rest assured, they are plotting their revenge.
Rest assured, they are plotting their revenge.
Whatever you thought about Pam Bondi, rest assured Todd Blanche will be worse.
April 2, 2026 at 8:00 PM
Whatever you thought about Pam Bondi, rest assured Todd Blanche will be worse.
Hope John Roberts, who assured us that absolute immunity would prevent presidents from going after their predecessors, sees this
Pressed by Laura Ingraham about "folks on the right" who want to see Barack Obama investigated, Acting AG Todd Blanche says "these investigations have to be done in secret"
April 22, 2026 at 1:25 PM
Hope John Roberts, who assured us that absolute immunity would prevent presidents from going after their predecessors, sees this