Today I learned that the Onion has horoscopes. 🤩
theonion.com/horoscopes/
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Remember: Always be thankful for all you have. And vengeful for all you’ve lost.
Yes. Yes, I shall.
theonion.com/horoscopes/
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Remember: Always be thankful for all you have. And vengeful for all you’ve lost.
Yes. Yes, I shall.
Horoscopes Archive
theonion.com
April 20, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Today I learned that the Onion has horoscopes. 🤩
theonion.com/horoscopes/
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Remember: Always be thankful for all you have. And vengeful for all you’ve lost.
Yes. Yes, I shall.
theonion.com/horoscopes/
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Remember: Always be thankful for all you have. And vengeful for all you’ve lost.
Yes. Yes, I shall.
forget horoscopes, which Adonis are you today?
August 1, 2026 at 3:47 PM
forget horoscopes, which Adonis are you today?
Chris is absolutely right. They’re basically just horoscopes!
Pet peeve: talk of millennials, gen X etc is silly. A better qn (if you want one) is Napoleon's: how did the world look to someone aged 20? One born in 65 saw mass unemployment at 20; one in 1980 had a boom, internet & mobile phones. Yet both are called gen X. This is daft.
May 11, 2026 at 8:30 AM
Chris is absolutely right. They’re basically just horoscopes!
Does horoscopes work on japanese people?
October 11, 2025 at 5:38 AM
Does horoscopes work on japanese people?
It's horoscopes for social scientists.
I find pointing out they are lumping 44 year olds through to 29 year olds in one big amorphous category clarifying. Think of it another way. 1 year olds and 16 year olds. 80 year olds and 65 year olds. Ludicrous nonsense.
May 8, 2025 at 8:41 AM
It's horoscopes for social scientists.
Horoscopes: Virgo
August 23, 2025 at 4:01 PM
Horoscopes: Virgo
![tumblr post by user "normal-horoscopes" that says "THIS IS WHAT GOOD PUSSY SOUNDS LIKE: [GEIGER COUNTER GOES WILD]"](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:6huq2rg576tfhczarucvmxzi/bafkreievhmutd2znclrvukmx7uoxumjqbbg4yl37o5tlsomy2dkr6qozdq)
We have always made delightful little guys.
July 26, 2025 at 11:35 PM
We have always made delightful little guys.
Horoscopes: Gemini
May 22, 2025 at 4:04 PM
Horoscopes: Gemini
Scorpio: No, you can’t wish for more horoscopes.
May 24, 2026 at 6:53 PM
Scorpio: No, you can’t wish for more horoscopes.
April 10, 2026 at 3:30 PM
February 12, 2026 at 8:03 PM
August 20, 2025 at 7:05 PM
Local woman wakes up, designs oatmeal horoscopes that are similarly silly to personal and business horoscopes but predict that you’ll eat a lot of oatmeal and that part is legit, makes oatmeal.
August 11, 2025 at 1:30 PM
Local woman wakes up, designs oatmeal horoscopes that are similarly silly to personal and business horoscopes but predict that you’ll eat a lot of oatmeal and that part is legit, makes oatmeal.
i don’t believe in horoscopes
January 6, 2025 at 6:46 AM
i don’t believe in horoscopes
fake trades are just boy horoscopes
May 2, 2025 at 7:13 PM
fake trades are just boy horoscopes
this is fascinating and sort of tracks with what I expected here - basically, if you believe in astrology (or at least pay regular attention to horoscopes), it seems like you start to mold your personality to those horoscopes
if you don’t, there’s no correlation
if you don’t, there’s no correlation
We cross-referenced the psychometric personality data of ~ 1 million people with their zodiac astrological signs:
1) There is a small but statistically significant effect of zodiac sign on personality controlling for demographic and attitudinal variables
1) There is a small but statistically significant effect of zodiac sign on personality controlling for demographic and attitudinal variables
September 10, 2026 at 7:38 PM
this is fascinating and sort of tracks with what I expected here - basically, if you believe in astrology (or at least pay regular attention to horoscopes), it seems like you start to mold your personality to those horoscopes
if you don’t, there’s no correlation
if you don’t, there’s no correlation
Hour-long debate on horoscopes?
March 17, 2026 at 11:13 AM
Hour-long debate on horoscopes?
things that are objectively bullshit:
-horoscopes/astrology
-chiropractors
-“traditional medicine”
-crystals
-tarot cards
-horoscopes/astrology
-chiropractors
-“traditional medicine”
-crystals
-tarot cards
November 23, 2025 at 4:56 AM
things that are objectively bullshit:
-horoscopes/astrology
-chiropractors
-“traditional medicine”
-crystals
-tarot cards
-horoscopes/astrology
-chiropractors
-“traditional medicine”
-crystals
-tarot cards
Exactly.
Never mind the fact that polygraphs are only slightly more accurate than horoscopes.
Never mind the fact that polygraphs are only slightly more accurate than horoscopes.
September 6, 2026 at 3:27 AM
Exactly.
Never mind the fact that polygraphs are only slightly more accurate than horoscopes.
Never mind the fact that polygraphs are only slightly more accurate than horoscopes.
People working in this space vastly underestimate the power of cold reading, horoscopes, and our ability to fool ourselves.
February 11, 2026 at 3:50 PM
People working in this space vastly underestimate the power of cold reading, horoscopes, and our ability to fool ourselves.
Do you like horoscopes
Is there anything in this publication for the CFB fans who don’t care about the B1G/SEC conglomerates?
August 12, 2026 at 6:08 PM
Do you like horoscopes
have you poured one out for dick cheney
November 6, 2025 at 11:44 PM
have you poured one out for dick cheney
Horoscopes should have cool names like karate, Chevrolet, or Dan
January 17, 2025 at 2:47 PM
Horoscopes should have cool names like karate, Chevrolet, or Dan
Horoscopes are nonsense except for Leos being insufferable egotistical twats, signed, a Leo.
July 7, 2026 at 8:56 PM
Horoscopes are nonsense except for Leos being insufferable egotistical twats, signed, a Leo.