Mam is boycotting JD Sports after the way he spoke to the nice Ukrainian President. #NewAlanBennetts
March 1, 2025 at 6:40 AM
Mam is boycotting JD Sports after the way he spoke to the nice Ukrainian President. #NewAlanBennetts
Joan remembers when the stock market was a choice between Bovril and Bisto. #NewAlanBennetts
April 8, 2025 at 7:07 AM
Joan remembers when the stock market was a choice between Bovril and Bisto. #NewAlanBennetts
My socks are on inside out which is baffling because I'm sure I turned them the right way round this morning before I put them on
November 13, 2024 at 5:43 PM
The UK is full of Bell Ends! We've got one just around the corner. #NewAlanBennetts
February 15, 2025 at 8:01 AM
The UK is full of Bell Ends! We've got one just around the corner. #NewAlanBennetts
Maureen asked if Tescos was the Greek god of shopping.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts
December 13, 2024 at 5:06 PM
Maureen asked if Tescos was the Greek god of shopping.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts
Eric has checked the fridge and discovered that his cheese is less than entertaining. #NewAlanBennetts
November 30, 2024 at 2:26 PM
Eric has checked the fridge and discovered that his cheese is less than entertaining. #NewAlanBennetts
After an extensive search, Audrey's cat is still missing. #NewAlanBennetts
November 30, 2024 at 2:29 PM
After an extensive search, Audrey's cat is still missing. #NewAlanBennetts
Maude wonders if the minerals deal in Ukraine means that Lithium by Nirvana will become a valuable commodity again. #NewAlanBennetts
May 1, 2025 at 5:17 AM
Maude wonders if the minerals deal in Ukraine means that Lithium by Nirvana will become a valuable commodity again. #NewAlanBennetts
Bought ducks and chickens. Children ecstatic. Looked up life expectancy. Ducks can live for 24 years. TWENTY FOUR YEARS. The bastards will outlive me.
#newalanbennetts
#newalanbennetts
October 26, 2024 at 9:59 AM
Bought ducks and chickens. Children ecstatic. Looked up life expectancy. Ducks can live for 24 years. TWENTY FOUR YEARS. The bastards will outlive me.
#newalanbennetts
#newalanbennetts
As it's Ash Wednesday, Mam will be smoking 40 Woodbines. #NewAlanBennetts
March 5, 2025 at 5:59 AM
As it's Ash Wednesday, Mam will be smoking 40 Woodbines. #NewAlanBennetts
Mam said because it's been so cold, her clematis needs attention. Ted might have misheard but he’s on his way round to lend a hand.
#newalanbennetts
#newalanbennetts
February 6, 2025 at 5:05 PM
Mam said because it's been so cold, her clematis needs attention. Ted might have misheard but he’s on his way round to lend a hand.
#newalanbennetts
#newalanbennetts
Mam is shocked to find out that The T.S. Eliot Prize is not 2 tickets to Cats.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts
January 8, 2025 at 5:08 PM
Mam is shocked to find out that The T.S. Eliot Prize is not 2 tickets to Cats.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts
Sid wonders if Kenny Loggins is always on-line. #NewAlanBennetts
February 27, 2025 at 6:27 AM
Sid wonders if Kenny Loggins is always on-line. #NewAlanBennetts
Mam's booked for The Edinburgh Fringe.
Audrey wants to know why she's travelling so far for a haircut.
#NewAlanBennetts
Audrey wants to know why she's travelling so far for a haircut.
#NewAlanBennetts
November 22, 2024 at 5:36 AM
Mam's booked for The Edinburgh Fringe.
Audrey wants to know why she's travelling so far for a haircut.
#NewAlanBennetts
Audrey wants to know why she's travelling so far for a haircut.
#NewAlanBennetts
Dad has had the wax syringed out of his ears, but after an afternoon at home with Mam & her sister he’s thinking of asking the nurse to put it back in. #NewAlanBennetts
February 3, 2025 at 4:54 PM
Dad has had the wax syringed out of his ears, but after an afternoon at home with Mam & her sister he’s thinking of asking the nurse to put it back in. #NewAlanBennetts
Mam is watching Taskmaster.
"What's Happened to Art Garfunkel?"
I explained that it was Andy Zaltzman, the man from the cricket.
"I thought that was Buddy Holly."
We are now sat in silence. #NewAlanBennetts
"What's Happened to Art Garfunkel?"
I explained that it was Andy Zaltzman, the man from the cricket.
"I thought that was Buddy Holly."
We are now sat in silence. #NewAlanBennetts
October 31, 2024 at 9:08 PM
Mam is watching Taskmaster.
"What's Happened to Art Garfunkel?"
I explained that it was Andy Zaltzman, the man from the cricket.
"I thought that was Buddy Holly."
We are now sat in silence. #NewAlanBennetts
"What's Happened to Art Garfunkel?"
I explained that it was Andy Zaltzman, the man from the cricket.
"I thought that was Buddy Holly."
We are now sat in silence. #NewAlanBennetts
8 years ago, I started sending these to people who wrote #NewAlanBennettMonologues on Twitter. The revival of #NewAlanBennetts has brought me great pleasure as I get to use words like forlorn, Mam and sou'wester once more.
October 29, 2024 at 10:18 AM
8 years ago, I started sending these to people who wrote #NewAlanBennettMonologues on Twitter. The revival of #NewAlanBennetts has brought me great pleasure as I get to use words like forlorn, Mam and sou'wester once more.
Mavis has been complaining that since she’s been laid up, she has a ‘neglected inbox.’ Ted has offered to go round and give her a hand.
#newAlanBennetts
#newAlanBennetts
April 8, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Mavis has been complaining that since she’s been laid up, she has a ‘neglected inbox.’ Ted has offered to go round and give her a hand.
#newAlanBennetts
#newAlanBennetts
February 9, 2025 at 4:12 PM
Woke up thinking about religion. I imagine I’m an atheist but can’t be sure.
#newalanbennetts
#newalanbennetts
October 29, 2024 at 7:58 AM
Woke up thinking about religion. I imagine I’m an atheist but can’t be sure.
#newalanbennetts
#newalanbennetts
"Rod is 80!" remarked Enid.
"Why doesn't he do that thing with the emu anymore?" asked Brenda.
A sullen silence fell over the dining table. #NewAlanBennetts
"Why doesn't he do that thing with the emu anymore?" asked Brenda.
A sullen silence fell over the dining table. #NewAlanBennetts
January 11, 2025 at 9:48 AM
"Rod is 80!" remarked Enid.
"Why doesn't he do that thing with the emu anymore?" asked Brenda.
A sullen silence fell over the dining table. #NewAlanBennetts
"Why doesn't he do that thing with the emu anymore?" asked Brenda.
A sullen silence fell over the dining table. #NewAlanBennetts
As it's NOT bin day tomorrow, Roger has put out all his bins just to see if he can't create panic in the close.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts
November 26, 2024 at 4:41 PM
As it's NOT bin day tomorrow, Roger has put out all his bins just to see if he can't create panic in the close.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts
A fresh tomato from the garden was all that Alf needed to be happy. That and his £2 million lottery win. #NewAlanBennetts
August 5, 2025 at 6:52 AM
A fresh tomato from the garden was all that Alf needed to be happy. That and his £2 million lottery win. #NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennetts Joan complained about the clocks going back again. She hadn't finished using hers.
October 27, 2024 at 8:18 AM
#NewAlanBennetts Joan complained about the clocks going back again. She hadn't finished using hers.
December 15, 2024 at 8:13 AM