8 years ago, I started sending these to people who wrote #NewAlanBennettMonologues on Twitter. The revival of #NewAlanBennetts has brought me great pleasure as I get to use words like forlorn, Mam and sou'wester once more.
October 29, 2024 at 10:18 AM
8 years ago, I started sending these to people who wrote #NewAlanBennettMonologues on Twitter. The revival of #NewAlanBennetts has brought me great pleasure as I get to use words like forlorn, Mam and sou'wester once more.
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#Heatwave
"I must admit," said Dad, "that young lad at Co-op wasn't as green as he was cabbage-looking when he told me to put me cap in't fridge when I weren't wearing it. Keeps me brain cool when I tek it out."
@imcmillan.bsky.social
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#Heatwave
"I must admit," said Dad, "that young lad at Co-op wasn't as green as he was cabbage-looking when he told me to put me cap in't fridge when I weren't wearing it. Keeps me brain cool when I tek it out."
@imcmillan.bsky.social
June 23, 2026 at 6:20 PM
#NewAlanBennetts
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#Heatwave
"I must admit," said Dad, "that young lad at Co-op wasn't as green as he was cabbage-looking when he told me to put me cap in't fridge when I weren't wearing it. Keeps me brain cool when I tek it out."
@imcmillan.bsky.social
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#Heatwave
"I must admit," said Dad, "that young lad at Co-op wasn't as green as he was cabbage-looking when he told me to put me cap in't fridge when I weren't wearing it. Keeps me brain cool when I tek it out."
@imcmillan.bsky.social
Over on the other place, we had a great community posting #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
November 10, 2024 at 6:21 PM
Over on the other place, we had a great community posting #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennettMonologues and I said "It's not a real hashtag until someone mentions Dude Where's My Car."
He said "There you go then!"
He said "There you go then!"
November 17, 2024 at 7:34 PM
#NewAlanBennettMonologues and I said "It's not a real hashtag until someone mentions Dude Where's My Car."
He said "There you go then!"
He said "There you go then!"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues ..and of course that's when I realised that 2 girls and 1 cup wasn't really going to save on the washing up!
November 17, 2024 at 7:36 PM
#NewAlanBennettMonologues ..and of course that's when I realised that 2 girls and 1 cup wasn't really going to save on the washing up!
"Where have all those minions gone that were trickortreating?" Nan wondered. "Dad told them there was an old witch living here that would bite their heads off", Teddy offered #NewAlanBennettMonologues
October 31, 2024 at 6:12 PM
"Where have all those minions gone that were trickortreating?" Nan wondered. "Dad told them there was an old witch living here that would bite their heads off", Teddy offered #NewAlanBennettMonologues
“ The 5th day of Christmas, saw Mam come up with her final turkey dish of the year. Neville proposed a toast , to both Mam and the turkey, everyone cheered and with the promise of tomorrow’s sausage and mash make short work of Mam’s final creation of the year”.
#NewAlanBennettmonologues
#NewAlanBennettmonologues
December 29, 2025 at 7:31 PM
“ The 5th day of Christmas, saw Mam come up with her final turkey dish of the year. Neville proposed a toast , to both Mam and the turkey, everyone cheered and with the promise of tomorrow’s sausage and mash make short work of Mam’s final creation of the year”.
#NewAlanBennettmonologues
#NewAlanBennettmonologues
Muriel was disappointed to hear the news of Trent Alexander Armstrong’s imminent departure. “Pointless just won’t be t’same without him & that Donny Osmond”…
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
May 6, 2025 at 5:57 PM
Muriel was disappointed to hear the news of Trent Alexander Armstrong’s imminent departure. “Pointless just won’t be t’same without him & that Donny Osmond”…
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
Barbara was worried the neighbours would think she'd gone so European of she hung her new duvet on they line
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
January 17, 2025 at 5:36 PM
Barbara was worried the neighbours would think she'd gone so European of she hung her new duvet on they line
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
“I hear that that Kerry Badenough wants to scrap stamp duty,” Muriel mused. “I’m all for it. ‘Appen it’ll make letters & cards cheaper to send through t’post, especially with Crimbo coming up. Not that I get any back, mind”… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
October 18, 2025 at 7:51 AM
“I hear that that Kerry Badenough wants to scrap stamp duty,” Muriel mused. “I’m all for it. ‘Appen it’ll make letters & cards cheaper to send through t’post, especially with Crimbo coming up. Not that I get any back, mind”… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
“Some artist in America tapes a banana to t’wall & gets 6 million dollars for it”, Muriel mused. “When I do it, it’s just to keep mice from pinching it out of t’fruit bowl”… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
November 23, 2024 at 9:48 PM
“Some artist in America tapes a banana to t’wall & gets 6 million dollars for it”, Muriel mused. “When I do it, it’s just to keep mice from pinching it out of t’fruit bowl”… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
"Fuck!" exploded Frank waving his tablet around "There's another. Look!" #NewAlanBennettMonologues He was right as usual which, as usual, pissed Marjory off every time. "It will have to be shortened.", but to whom should he complain? #NABM should do it he declared. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennet
February 4, 2025 at 10:32 AM
"Fuck!" exploded Frank waving his tablet around "There's another. Look!" #NewAlanBennettMonologues He was right as usual which, as usual, pissed Marjory off every time. "It will have to be shortened.", but to whom should he complain? #NABM should do it he declared. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennet
The front door opened and the sound of wellington boots being decanted could be heard right in the back lobby where Francesca turned to David "Sounds like the Beast from the East is back." With immaculate timing Pa swung round the door. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues
February 7, 2025 at 6:08 PM
The front door opened and the sound of wellington boots being decanted could be heard right in the back lobby where Francesca turned to David "Sounds like the Beast from the East is back." With immaculate timing Pa swung round the door. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Uncle Bert had to remonstrate with Aunty Gwen and he has sewn the curtains together in the front room. They aren't speaking at the moment, evidently he was worried that Gwen's waving to Mildred might be misconstrued as it was a bit Musk. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues #MABM
February 4, 2025 at 7:18 PM
Uncle Bert had to remonstrate with Aunty Gwen and he has sewn the curtains together in the front room. They aren't speaking at the moment, evidently he was worried that Gwen's waving to Mildred might be misconstrued as it was a bit Musk. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues #MABM
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
Mam was taking down the Christmas decorations as Malcolm walked in.
She was gently wrapping her ceramic reindeer.
"So," said Malcolm, "Putting Rudolph to bed?"
"I've renamed it Olive."
"Olive??"
"Aye," said Mam. "That one that used to laugh and call him names."
Mam was taking down the Christmas decorations as Malcolm walked in.
She was gently wrapping her ceramic reindeer.
"So," said Malcolm, "Putting Rudolph to bed?"
"I've renamed it Olive."
"Olive??"
"Aye," said Mam. "That one that used to laugh and call him names."
a cartoon reindeer wearing a scarf and antlers
ALT: a cartoon reindeer wearing a scarf and antlers
media.tenor.com
December 29, 2025 at 7:49 PM
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
Mam was taking down the Christmas decorations as Malcolm walked in.
She was gently wrapping her ceramic reindeer.
"So," said Malcolm, "Putting Rudolph to bed?"
"I've renamed it Olive."
"Olive??"
"Aye," said Mam. "That one that used to laugh and call him names."
Mam was taking down the Christmas decorations as Malcolm walked in.
She was gently wrapping her ceramic reindeer.
"So," said Malcolm, "Putting Rudolph to bed?"
"I've renamed it Olive."
"Olive??"
"Aye," said Mam. "That one that used to laugh and call him names."
Muriel began to suspect that she had misunderstood the advice about how to look at the eclipse as she stared at the sun through her Cliff Richard calendar… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
August 12, 2026 at 5:43 PM
Muriel began to suspect that she had misunderstood the advice about how to look at the eclipse as she stared at the sun through her Cliff Richard calendar… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Nana was very proud of her new internet skills, "I'm what's known as a NILF" she explained to everyone on the bus.
January 21, 2025 at 10:47 PM
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Nana was very proud of her new internet skills, "I'm what's known as a NILF" she explained to everyone on the bus.
"No I'm not doing #BlackFriday!" said Nana, "Last year was like a warzone in Asda - it's a no nans land!" #NewAlanBennettMonologues
8:22 PM · Nov 26, 2015
8:22 PM · Nov 26, 2015
January 21, 2025 at 10:46 PM
"No I'm not doing #BlackFriday!" said Nana, "Last year was like a warzone in Asda - it's a no nans land!" #NewAlanBennettMonologues
8:22 PM · Nov 26, 2015
8:22 PM · Nov 26, 2015
30th November 2015:
"Grandad never wore underpants," said Nana wistfully, "He preferred to go Columbo." #NewAlanBennettMonologues
"Grandad never wore underpants," said Nana wistfully, "He preferred to go Columbo." #NewAlanBennettMonologues
January 20, 2025 at 11:19 PM
30th November 2015:
"Grandad never wore underpants," said Nana wistfully, "He preferred to go Columbo." #NewAlanBennettMonologues
"Grandad never wore underpants," said Nana wistfully, "He preferred to go Columbo." #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Jan 1st 2017:
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not making any UN resolutions this year," said Nana. "They always end in disappointment."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not making any UN resolutions this year," said Nana. "They always end in disappointment."
January 20, 2025 at 11:14 PM
Jan 1st 2017:
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not making any UN resolutions this year," said Nana. "They always end in disappointment."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not making any UN resolutions this year," said Nana. "They always end in disappointment."
I'm deleting my tweets one by one...Here's one from 2017 that is as fresh as a daisy, unlike #Trump's diaper:
Nana was back on the prunes; the ubiquitous news coverage of Donald Trump had put her right off easy peel satsumas. #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Nana was back on the prunes; the ubiquitous news coverage of Donald Trump had put her right off easy peel satsumas. #NewAlanBennettMonologues
January 20, 2025 at 11:11 PM
I'm deleting my tweets one by one...Here's one from 2017 that is as fresh as a daisy, unlike #Trump's diaper:
Nana was back on the prunes; the ubiquitous news coverage of Donald Trump had put her right off easy peel satsumas. #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Nana was back on the prunes; the ubiquitous news coverage of Donald Trump had put her right off easy peel satsumas. #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Muriel‘s Uncle Arnold was a man of few words. In fact, she had only ever heard him saying five of them. Those being “Aye”, “Nay”, “Eh?”, “Oh” - & “Ko-ala”, t‘last of them would always reduce him to a terrible fit of t‘giggles… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
February 17, 2026 at 7:38 PM
Muriel‘s Uncle Arnold was a man of few words. In fact, she had only ever heard him saying five of them. Those being “Aye”, “Nay”, “Eh?”, “Oh” - & “Ko-ala”, t‘last of them would always reduce him to a terrible fit of t‘giggles… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
“Do you think it’s just coincidence that t’protests on t’streets of that South Korea started happening a few hours after t’BBC cancelled t’Masterchef Xmas specials?”, Muriel mused…
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
December 3, 2024 at 10:43 PM
“Do you think it’s just coincidence that t’protests on t’streets of that South Korea started happening a few hours after t’BBC cancelled t’Masterchef Xmas specials?”, Muriel mused…
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett