Simon bumped into one of the Cusack sisters the other day. "It could have been Sinead, Sorsha or Niamh. I'll never be sure."
Mam asked, "Was she with Jeremy?"
"Jeremy?"
"Sinead's husband Jeremy Irons."
"Does he do the washing as well?"
A week of silence has ensued.
#NewAlanBennett
Mam asked, "Was she with Jeremy?"
"Jeremy?"
"Sinead's husband Jeremy Irons."
"Does he do the washing as well?"
A week of silence has ensued.
#NewAlanBennett
August 7, 2025 at 12:31 PM
Simon bumped into one of the Cusack sisters the other day. "It could have been Sinead, Sorsha or Niamh. I'll never be sure."
Mam asked, "Was she with Jeremy?"
"Jeremy?"
"Sinead's husband Jeremy Irons."
"Does he do the washing as well?"
A week of silence has ensued.
#NewAlanBennett
Mam asked, "Was she with Jeremy?"
"Jeremy?"
"Sinead's husband Jeremy Irons."
"Does he do the washing as well?"
A week of silence has ensued.
#NewAlanBennett
"So he turned up to work with a piece of men's hosiery on his penis, which as we all know is a red rag to a bull for middle-class women of a certain age..."
#newalanbennett
#newalanbennett
December 1, 2024 at 1:59 PM
"So he turned up to work with a piece of men's hosiery on his penis, which as we all know is a red rag to a bull for middle-class women of a certain age..."
#newalanbennett
#newalanbennett
Brexiteer Barry is disgusted at these men who were born in foreign climes that go around exploiting the good will of the British people and having countless children.
Maureen said, "Boris Johnson is awful, isn't he?" #NewAlanBennett
Maureen said, "Boris Johnson is awful, isn't he?" #NewAlanBennett
May 25, 2025 at 7:08 AM
Brexiteer Barry is disgusted at these men who were born in foreign climes that go around exploiting the good will of the British people and having countless children.
Maureen said, "Boris Johnson is awful, isn't he?" #NewAlanBennett
Maureen said, "Boris Johnson is awful, isn't he?" #NewAlanBennett
Next door, said to mam “I hear your Neville is one of those Champagne Socialists."
Mam admitted Neville did once vote Labour, but he was more Babycham than Champagne.
#NewAlanBennett
Mam admitted Neville did once vote Labour, but he was more Babycham than Champagne.
#NewAlanBennett
November 21, 2024 at 12:15 AM
Next door, said to mam “I hear your Neville is one of those Champagne Socialists."
Mam admitted Neville did once vote Labour, but he was more Babycham than Champagne.
#NewAlanBennett
Mam admitted Neville did once vote Labour, but he was more Babycham than Champagne.
#NewAlanBennett
A tear came to Roger's eye as he heard the late, great Sandy Denny sing 'Who Knows Where the Time Goes?' on the wireless.
Maude had no sympathy as she muttered, "You spent most of it down the Dog and Duck so don't start crying now as time runs out!"
#NewAlanBennett
Maude had no sympathy as she muttered, "You spent most of it down the Dog and Duck so don't start crying now as time runs out!"
#NewAlanBennett
October 19, 2025 at 5:05 AM
A tear came to Roger's eye as he heard the late, great Sandy Denny sing 'Who Knows Where the Time Goes?' on the wireless.
Maude had no sympathy as she muttered, "You spent most of it down the Dog and Duck so don't start crying now as time runs out!"
#NewAlanBennett
Maude had no sympathy as she muttered, "You spent most of it down the Dog and Duck so don't start crying now as time runs out!"
#NewAlanBennett
Over on the other place, we had a great community posting #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
November 10, 2024 at 6:21 PM
Over on the other place, we had a great community posting #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
Thrilled to find they are alive and well and coming back to life here!
#NewAlanBennett
Gran glared with disgust at the grey sky and rain. “It’s all Mavis’s fault” she declared flatly
“How come?” asked Mam
“It’s obvious! A bit o’ sun for a few days, and the daft girl only goes and buys a sundress and then makes it worse getting garden seats. Asking for trouble…”
#NewAlanBennett
“How come?” asked Mam
“It’s obvious! A bit o’ sun for a few days, and the daft girl only goes and buys a sundress and then makes it worse getting garden seats. Asking for trouble…”
#NewAlanBennett
June 24, 2025 at 11:45 AM
Gran glared with disgust at the grey sky and rain. “It’s all Mavis’s fault” she declared flatly
“How come?” asked Mam
“It’s obvious! A bit o’ sun for a few days, and the daft girl only goes and buys a sundress and then makes it worse getting garden seats. Asking for trouble…”
#NewAlanBennett
“How come?” asked Mam
“It’s obvious! A bit o’ sun for a few days, and the daft girl only goes and buys a sundress and then makes it worse getting garden seats. Asking for trouble…”
#NewAlanBennett
Len would never take Gina to the theatre again. In the midst of a subtle, understated drama of marital infidelity, her repeated cries of 'he's behind you!' ruined the complex, emotional undercurrent of the piece.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
December 4, 2024 at 8:21 AM
Len would never take Gina to the theatre again. In the midst of a subtle, understated drama of marital infidelity, her repeated cries of 'he's behind you!' ruined the complex, emotional undercurrent of the piece.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
Neville suddenly squatted down, clenched both fists eyes bulging, tongue poking out he screamed in Miss Honeydew’s face. “No Neville it’s haiku not Haka”, explained Miss Honeydew patiently.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
December 21, 2024 at 11:21 AM
Neville suddenly squatted down, clenched both fists eyes bulging, tongue poking out he screamed in Miss Honeydew’s face. “No Neville it’s haiku not Haka”, explained Miss Honeydew patiently.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
Joan is infuriated by the names of the cocktails on the menu. "Filth! Filth! Filth! In my day, it was Sex the Beach and you got pregnant."
Maude quietly ordered a Flirt Fizz, a French Kiss & a Love Affair. How she dreamed of the day of when she could toast Joan's death. #NewAlanBennett
Maude quietly ordered a Flirt Fizz, a French Kiss & a Love Affair. How she dreamed of the day of when she could toast Joan's death. #NewAlanBennett
November 26, 2024 at 6:18 AM
Joan is infuriated by the names of the cocktails on the menu. "Filth! Filth! Filth! In my day, it was Sex the Beach and you got pregnant."
Maude quietly ordered a Flirt Fizz, a French Kiss & a Love Affair. How she dreamed of the day of when she could toast Joan's death. #NewAlanBennett
Maude quietly ordered a Flirt Fizz, a French Kiss & a Love Affair. How she dreamed of the day of when she could toast Joan's death. #NewAlanBennett
For breakfast, Tony is having a turkey, cranberry, sausage & bacon, sprout, carrot, bread sauce, roast potato, mashed potato, parsnip and stuffing baguette. After all, it's the bread that makes a sandwich. #NewAlanBennett
December 26, 2024 at 9:58 AM
For breakfast, Tony is having a turkey, cranberry, sausage & bacon, sprout, carrot, bread sauce, roast potato, mashed potato, parsnip and stuffing baguette. After all, it's the bread that makes a sandwich. #NewAlanBennett
To Dilys, the kitchen was a culinary utopia where miracles of taste and distinction were regularly unveiled. To Bill, it was a biohazard testing area creating weaponry on a fork.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
December 2, 2024 at 5:56 AM
To Dilys, the kitchen was a culinary utopia where miracles of taste and distinction were regularly unveiled. To Bill, it was a biohazard testing area creating weaponry on a fork.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
Mam had always liked whimbling, churches, and the seaside. Combining all three, however, proved disappointing.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
May 1, 2026 at 6:10 AM
Mam had always liked whimbling, churches, and the seaside. Combining all three, however, proved disappointing.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
Frank did a quick scan and has become so very disconcerted. "Evidently there are two!" he said out loud. "Two what?" asked his wife from her corner of the settee. "#Bennetts!" he replied "Look!" Sure enough there they were, "Spot the typo!" #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennet
February 4, 2025 at 10:18 AM
Frank did a quick scan and has become so very disconcerted. "Evidently there are two!" he said out loud. "Two what?" asked his wife from her corner of the settee. "#Bennetts!" he replied "Look!" Sure enough there they were, "Spot the typo!" #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennet
Neville turned the pages of the Littlewood's catalogue. He studied each page, making a mental note of each item.
Letting out a long sigh, mam hadn’t the heart to tell him that the catalogue was the Littlewood’s 1972 Christmas edition—the Christmas he lost his father.
#NewAlanBennett
November 18, 2024 at 7:23 PM
Neville turned the pages of the Littlewood's catalogue. He studied each page, making a mental note of each item.
Letting out a long sigh, mam hadn’t the heart to tell him that the catalogue was the Littlewood’s 1972 Christmas edition—the Christmas he lost his father.
#NewAlanBennett
Eloise was in her pj's as Kitty entered the kitchen "Ah, good, I've lost the end of the cord, come and help fish it out would you." With that she stepped out and declared "My fox is scratching...." Unable to finish her statement as Kitty couldn't contain herself. #NewAlanBennett
December 4, 2024 at 6:21 PM
Eloise was in her pj's as Kitty entered the kitchen "Ah, good, I've lost the end of the cord, come and help fish it out would you." With that she stepped out and declared "My fox is scratching...." Unable to finish her statement as Kitty couldn't contain herself. #NewAlanBennett
Gary has gone into the toilet to scream 'Not Matt Hancock!'
2 tours of Iraq have left Gary relatively unscathed. It is, however, the former Secretary of Health that flashes back into Gary's nightmares. #NewAlanBennett
2 tours of Iraq have left Gary relatively unscathed. It is, however, the former Secretary of Health that flashes back into Gary's nightmares. #NewAlanBennett
November 21, 2024 at 5:09 PM
Gary has gone into the toilet to scream 'Not Matt Hancock!'
2 tours of Iraq have left Gary relatively unscathed. It is, however, the former Secretary of Health that flashes back into Gary's nightmares. #NewAlanBennett
2 tours of Iraq have left Gary relatively unscathed. It is, however, the former Secretary of Health that flashes back into Gary's nightmares. #NewAlanBennett
“Some artist in America tapes a banana to t’wall & gets 6 million dollars for it”, Muriel mused. “When I do it, it’s just to keep mice from pinching it out of t’fruit bowl”… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
November 23, 2024 at 9:48 PM
“Some artist in America tapes a banana to t’wall & gets 6 million dollars for it”, Muriel mused. “When I do it, it’s just to keep mice from pinching it out of t’fruit bowl”… #NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
"Fuck!" exploded Frank waving his tablet around "There's another. Look!" #NewAlanBennettMonologues He was right as usual which, as usual, pissed Marjory off every time. "It will have to be shortened.", but to whom should he complain? #NABM should do it he declared. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennet
February 4, 2025 at 10:32 AM
"Fuck!" exploded Frank waving his tablet around "There's another. Look!" #NewAlanBennettMonologues He was right as usual which, as usual, pissed Marjory off every time. "It will have to be shortened.", but to whom should he complain? #NABM should do it he declared. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennet
Jeremy kicked the snow of his shoes before stepping over the threshold. Gwen greeted him at the door, broom in hand "I don't know, turn round and finish the job."thrusting the handle straight at his nose. #NewAlanBennett
November 22, 2024 at 7:31 PM
Jeremy kicked the snow of his shoes before stepping over the threshold. Gwen greeted him at the door, broom in hand "I don't know, turn round and finish the job."thrusting the handle straight at his nose. #NewAlanBennett
The front door opened and the sound of wellington boots being decanted could be heard right in the back lobby where Francesca turned to David "Sounds like the Beast from the East is back." With immaculate timing Pa swung round the door. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues
February 7, 2025 at 6:08 PM
The front door opened and the sound of wellington boots being decanted could be heard right in the back lobby where Francesca turned to David "Sounds like the Beast from the East is back." With immaculate timing Pa swung round the door. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues
Uncle Bert had to remonstrate with Aunty Gwen and he has sewn the curtains together in the front room. They aren't speaking at the moment, evidently he was worried that Gwen's waving to Mildred might be misconstrued as it was a bit Musk. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues #MABM
February 4, 2025 at 7:18 PM
Uncle Bert had to remonstrate with Aunty Gwen and he has sewn the curtains together in the front room. They aren't speaking at the moment, evidently he was worried that Gwen's waving to Mildred might be misconstrued as it was a bit Musk. #NewAlanBennett #NewAlanBennettMonologues #MABM
A more sedate Black Friday prototype was invited 50 years ago in the local corner store where old ladies of a certain sensibility jostled good naturedly with others for the last packs of bourbon creams and pan-scourers. No casualties, lots of suppressed giggling.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
December 16, 2024 at 11:08 AM
A more sedate Black Friday prototype was invited 50 years ago in the local corner store where old ladies of a certain sensibility jostled good naturedly with others for the last packs of bourbon creams and pan-scourers. No casualties, lots of suppressed giggling.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
Mam arranged to meet Neville after the Feathers closed to go to midnight mass. She arranges it every year, every year Neville is in bed fast asleep by midnight. Mam thought this year will be different, knowing it wouldn’t.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
December 24, 2024 at 9:28 PM
Mam arranged to meet Neville after the Feathers closed to go to midnight mass. She arranges it every year, every year Neville is in bed fast asleep by midnight. Mam thought this year will be different, knowing it wouldn’t.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
Mam wasn’t sure how Donald Trump will make America great again, but was sure it wouldn’t be as great as that night in Swaffham with Brad, the GI from New Jersey.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett
December 17, 2024 at 4:26 PM
Mam wasn’t sure how Donald Trump will make America great again, but was sure it wouldn’t be as great as that night in Swaffham with Brad, the GI from New Jersey.
#NewAlanBennett
#NewAlanBennett