happy sunday.
i stare at the heavens.
the heavens stare back.
they say “stop eating rocks.”
i say “no.”

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #UnhingedDog #CertifiedMenace

yes that is MY peanut butter jar.
yes i have my own.
no you may not ask why.
i am building a tiny helmet collection.

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenArmor #NotACat #UnhingedDog

merry christmas from your local golden retriever.
today’s agenda:

1. pant in holy light
2. step directly on your bare foot
3. eat one ornament “by accident.”

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #UnhingedDog #ChristmasMenace

i have evolved.
i have grown a FACE SPEAR.

everyone stay calm. i have become a land narwhal.
i will use it to joust the fridge at dawn.

#TankTheGolden #UnhingedDog #DogsOfBluesky

every time i clench my jaw the ball transmits another instruction:
“eat grass”
“wake up at 3am”
“bark at ghost dust”
i obey.

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #SignalReceived #UnhingedDog

found this crunchy fence noodle.
seemed like a problem.
so i brought the problem directly to management.
i will now hand it to you like a toddler bringing home a live grenade.

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #ProblemDog #UnhingedDog

this is what happens with the cat.
i caught the dot (i did not).
i ate it (i did not).
i am now full of light and cannot be contained.

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #UnhingedDog #TankTheGolden

i was simply resting. thinking about snacks.
then my brain whispered
“what if the mailman is actually 3 raccoons in a trench coat”
and now i can’t unsee it and i’m about to bark myself into a new dimension

#UnhingedDog #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

shhhhh… i’m “asleep.”
not bc i’m tired. no.
i am gathering power.
each nap increases my chaos stats by 12%.
once i reach full charge i will rise from this couch like a golden cryptid and eat an entire throw pillow just to prove i can.

#TankTheGolden #SleepGoblin #UnhingedDog