If humans could fly, I think some of us would. But it probably takes the same amount of energy as running. So realistically, I think most of us would end up like pigeons & loiter outside of convenience stores instead of flying across the country.

[sex ed class]

[kid raises hand] how will I use this in the real world?

TEACHER: tbh, you probably won't Kyle

Angel on my shoulder: If you leave that spoon in the bowl, it will slip and slide beneath the liquid.

Devil on my shoulder: Let the spoon go.

Me: hello, I'd like to withdraw $50,000 please

Bank teller: you don't have that much in your account...

Me: oh it's cool, you can take it from any account, I don't mind

Prescription strength peanut butter

oh, so a ceasefire is like when i say i’m going to stop eating cheese

i’m paying the government to make everyone’s life worse

*returning to work after a week-long break*

that was great. im refreshed and recharged. ive spilled coffee on myself three times today. whats an emial

I tried to make a joke (non-offensive) on Threads. That was my mistake, I should have known that implying 72°F is not a dangerously high temp in the Northern Hemisphere in the middle of summer was gravely offensive and insensitive. I will reflect inwards and save that shit for Bluesky in the future.

I'm a pretty good multitasker if you don't mind things half done and all wrong.

i see a horse has won the kentucky derby again. this is beginning to feel rigged

ME: Did you know that koalas have fingerprints almost identical to humans?

COP: We also have footage of you crawling through the window.

Evergreen

Checking in on the status of the U.S. government:

Life moves so fast. Take a breath and slow things down, like a group of people walking five abreast at the airport.

Why do I have to pretend that I'm going to print something in order to save it as a PDF. Why do I have to engage in a little ruse.

I just said the most insanely idiotic thing you've ever heard. If you don't engage me in a serious debate about it, you're admitting I'm right

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

gofund.me/07782260f